Friday, December 29, 2006

so here's what happened

For a week I tried getting in touch with A. I heard nothing. No texts, no calls, no emails. I gave up. There was nothing else I could do.

Saturday night I came home from a Christmas party, checked my email, and saw that A had sent me a MySpace message. At the time, I was in a good mood. I hadn't been thinking about him much all day and didn't really want to make myself upset by reading whatever he had sent. So I ignored it. Until I returned to my apartment on Wednesday night. In summary, he claimed to recognize his cowardice, but he had done some thinking and reorganized things (huh? what is that supposed to mean?).

I was angry. I tried calling him after I read it but, of course, no answer. Sent a text. No response. Then, after a bit of further reading, I saw that he had told his friend Jo that "things were going really well with the new chick". Are you kidding me? Now I was pissed. I sent a snarky response to his message and called my mom. After talking to her for 2 1/2 hours, I was done being sad and upset. I got it all out on the phone with her: why I was sad, why I was frustrated, why I need new friends. I realize that this has nothing to do with me; he is just an asshole. He has an ego, and the last thing I need to do is feed it by continuing to try and get in touch with him.

What frustrates me most is thinking about what's next. I have trouble meeting guys, and don't seem to meet anyone anywhere. Before A, I hadn't really dated anyone for about 2 years. A and I met in school. Now that I am finishing school, I don't really have that as an outlet (and he was the only cute guy I ever met in class). My closest friends and roommates all have serious boyfriends, which means that they often spend their time with significant others and not going out with the girls. And their boyfriends' friends? No way. Not interested.

When I woke up this morning, I saw that A had left a comment on my MySpace page (seriously, how old is he? is this how he chooses to communicate with his friends for real?). The comment? Not so nice. Basically wondering why I had been so snarky in my response to him. I told my roommate and just got angry. I balled up my hand in a fist and tried to think of what I should do. Respond? Ignore? I chose to respond with a simple "excuse me?" since that was the first thing that popped into my head when I read his comment. I can't believe this is how he is choosing to communicate with me, rather than just getting some balls and calling me. At this point, I have nothing to say to him, and I know that nothing he says is going to make me feel any better. For some reason, he thinks it's cool for us to immediately just be friends right away. But that won't work, not right away and not given these circumstances. He still hasn't fully explained himself or apologized. He hasn't given me the respect I deserve by actually speaking to me. And he doesn't seem to get it.

Wednesday, December 27, 2006


It's over with A.

He went about things in a very mature way (message on myspace? really?). I still have yet to actually speak to him, which is starting not to bother me so much.

More later.

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

cried out, at least for tonight

You'll be happy to know that there's been no crying tonight. There was a bit of tearing up and whimpering at one point, but that's subsided.

I am so busy at work, I don't have time to think about anything except cereal and the Internet. After a busy day at work, I took my mom out for a fabulous dinner for her birthday. On my way home, I got a little sad. It was the first time I'd really been alone all day and my feet were killing me. When I got to my apartment...surprise, alone again. I was actually kind of happy about it tonight. Just pulled on some much more comfortable clothes, watched a documentary on the History Channel about opium (and subsequently wondered why I didn't continue to minor in History but then thought about all the extra work I would have done and just enjoyed the show instead).

Now it is bed time, blog time, and general "waste time on myspace until I feel like I should turn off the computer and get to sleep" time. I'm not crying tonight, because crying won't get me anywhere. (I have quite a mound of Kleenex surrounding my garbage can, and I don't really want to add to that.)

Monday, December 18, 2006

reaching for the kleenex...again

I think I have cried myself to sleep every night since last Wednesday. Well, give or take Friday night when I came home wasted and devoured greasy french fries, and Saturday where I spent the entire day in bed or in the bathroom regurgitating aforementioned fries. So that's still four nights' worth of crying.

It sucks. I have NO IDEA what A is doing. Where he is. Why he hasn't returned a phone call or text since we spoke late Wednesday night. Part of me is worried about him, thinking that there is something seriously wrong and that is the reason for him not getting back to me. The other part of me thinks this is somehow all my fault, that I've done something to make him not want to speak to me. I can't understand it.

And it's got me so upset.

One of the things I've learned recently is that I need some new friends. Not that the friends I currently have are bad or anything. It's just that they aren't really around for me. My roommates, which includes my BFF 4-EVA (joke, but seriously, it's been over 13 years of friendship), are never around. While they often have valid excuses for not being here, it's just made it hard when I'm upset. And seeing as I hate being emotional in front of people, it makes it that much harder to just let it all out when they are around. My other close friends are either busy like me or living out of state. As a result, I've found myself crying to no one but the mirror. Having no one to whine to or to express my utter confusion to than the small audience reading this blog. I apologize that every time you read this, I'm confused or sad about the boy. But lately I can't help. With school and work and family being crazy, having issues with him makes me want to crawl under a rock until January. And seeing as A has been one of the few people who has been there when I want to whine or complain about something, it sucks that he is totally MIA.

Sunday, December 17, 2006

10 questions

Per Max's request, I am completing these questions....most recognized as the final questions James Lipton asks at the end of each Inside the Actor's Studio.

01. What is your favorite word?
embouteillage (french for traffic jam)

02. What is your least favorite word?

03. What turns you on creatively, spiritually or emotionally?
quiet and solitude

04. What turns you off?
feeling controlled

05. What is your favorite curse word?

06. What sound or noise do you love?
the fan in my room when it is the only thing i can hear

07. What sound or noise do you hate?
the phone ringing

08. What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?
fashion designer

09. What profession would you not like to do?
tax accountant

10. If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?
See, they told you it existed.

Monday, December 11, 2006

boob tube

During Thanksgiving weekend, I bought the 1st season of Beverly Hills, 90210 on DVD. Even though I was much too young to watch this show when it originally aired, I snuck in viewings when my parents weren't paying attention. I became a huge fan of the show, watching until the first year the kids from West Beverly were in college. Then, it stopped working for me. Shannen Doherty was gone. That was enough to get me to stop watching. (I had the Brenda doll, that's how much I loved her.)

So I've been watching the 1st season, reliving all those early episodes and even catching a few I had never seen before (Brandon was on a TV show?). I find myself connecting with Brenda all over again, and I'm even falling in love with Dylan McKay again too (I had the Dylan doll too). But this evening, while waiting for the Bears game to start, I found myself tearing up over an episode of 90210.

It was the one where Brenda finds a lump in her breast. And the whole scene was eerily similar to when I found a lump in my breast five years ago. It was even in the same spot! As I watched Brenda deal with the lump, not knowing if it was benign and having to undergo surgery to remove it, I started thinking about my own experience all over again. The day that I found the lump was the same day my sorority sister died of leukemia. I was terrified of what I might have. Like Brenda, I talked to my mom first before telling anyone else. But I was nowhere near as scared or worried as the folks on 90210. I'm not sure why. Maybe I was totally in denial that it could be something serious. My mom had had plenty of cysts in her breasts before; there was no reason why this couldn't be the same sort of thing.

An ultrasound revealed that the lump was nothing more than a fibroid adenoma, common among young women. I had it removed a few months later in a very simple surgery and, aside from a faint pink scar on the side of my left breast, I rarely think about it. I remind my friends to do self-exams and try to remember to do my own. But until that episode I watched today, I didn't realize how worried I (maybe) should have been.

*I apologize for the totally inappropriate title of this post, but I couldn't help myself.

Thursday, December 07, 2006

insecure, confused, misled - all of the above

Today was the kind of day where as soon as I got to work, all I wanted to do was go home, get in bed, and be all alone. I was slightly hungover and very tired, which explains the bed part. The all alone (and I will add wanting to just cry) was my confusion/frustration with A. There was just something in my mind all day keeping me from focusing on work; understanding the situation was all I could think about. Which is why being in my bed, alone, would have been preferable.

Not to get into to many details as I haven't really had a chance to talk to A yet, but I feel like I've been betrayed. I feel foolish. Naive. Insecure.

And this is after I thought things were going so well just 48 hours ago. You see, we didn't get to hang out all weekend because he was at his mom's house in the suburbs. But because he was bored in the 'burbs, we spent a lot of hours chatting on the phone. This is something we used to do all the time when we started dating, but haven't really done much of lately. It was nice, just talking about random things (we call these conversations "5th Grade Sleepovers" - sometimes we have them in bed). After our chat on Sunday night, I thought things were going well. We were both booked solid for the week so there was no chance we were getting together before the weekend. No sweat. We even had a cute chat via text message Wednesday night when I was out for work. I was happy.

Then I got these feelings of betrayal. This sense that something wasn't right. To make matters worse, I was drunk and it was 2am. To make it further frustrating, A hasn't returned my calls or texts today. Is it because he forgot or lost his phone or it isn't working? Or maybe he doesn't want to talk to me? But in less than 12 hours, could he have really changed his mind about me?

It hurts thinking about it; I was halfway in tears when walking home from the bus tonight (refraining from full crying because my face would probably freeze). I'm calling it a night because I've got a looooong day ahead of me tomorrow, but I'm hoping this can be resolved soon.

SAD or just sad?

I am feeling foolish. And kind of sad. It's the kind of day when I just want to crawl back into bed.

More later.

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

just see it

I had a four-weekend which I spent doing absolutely nothing. I barely left the house on Friday and Sunday. It snowed and was cold. There was no need to leave the house.

That said, I had severe cabin fever on Monday and, despite a very chilly and windy day, I went out to run errands and see a movie I had been longing to see. It was totally worth it.

Now, somehow, I am in love with Penelope Cruz. Or maybe just Raimunda.

Thursday, November 30, 2006

24 days left

Every year I say the same thing: I don't like Christmas. And every year I get called Grinch or Scrooge or whatever.

This year is no different. But I am trying to be a little more open to the idea of liking the holiday season. I try not to cringe when I hear White Christmas or Jingle Bell Rock for the 12th time. I'm getting excited about my long list of upcoming holiday parties and trying to decide what appetizers to make for our own party in a few weeks. I'm not thinking about gifts or the bad stuff about being at home on the holidays; I'm trying to focus on the good. The focus shouldn't be on the obligations and feeling like you have to get into the spirit. Some of us just don't. And I shouldn't feel forced into going anywhere or doing anything I don't really want to do. I'll like Christmas and holiday cheer when I feel like it, and be a Scrooge when I feel like it, too.

Tonight, after class and a very long day, I rode home on the Christmas Bus. I'm not joking. I had just read about this bus earlier today on CTA Tattler and, surprise, it pulled up after I had stood freezing on Madison for 10 minutes. The bus is completely decorated in Christmas stuff: candy cane lights, presents, flashing lights. Holiday music plays over the PA system. Even I smiled when I got on. I kept my headphones off so I could just enjoy the ride, something that I never do on the bus. Usually, there are some weird people and annoying phone conversations. But tonight, it was like riding on the Polar Express (actually, I didn't see the movie but I am imagining maybe it was like this). It put me in a good mood on an otherwise crappy day.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

social networking is a curse

So I never had a problem trusting A until recently. Before, I never worried that when he wasn't with me, he was out with some other girl. I never freaked out if I didn't hear from him because I thought he was with some girl. And I never imagined what some girl would even look like. Sure, he's a good-looking guy and probably gets approached by girls at bars when he's with his friends. But I never really imagined him acting on it. Also, A was so busy with work and school during the past few months that he barely had time to see me. Therefore, he barely had time to see anyone else. Problem solved, worries averted.

Not that he has done anything. He has given me absolutely no reason for me not to trust him after five months of dating. Yet, here I am, wondering why I haven't heard from him today. It's not because I am imagining him hooking up with another girl. It's because I'm imagining him not thinking about me. (Pathetic? Yes.)

It all started when he joined MySpace. A month ago, social networking was my domain. Facebook and MySpace were all mine, and he was not part of my little online world. I could do what I wanted: post any pictures, stalk people, be my crazy social networking self. But then he joined and I got excited (at first). How fun! We could be friends for the online world to see! We could post funny messages on each other's pages!

And then, of course, the stalking began. And when I mean stalking, I mean looking at his other friends' profiles and overanalyzing wall postings and taking the whole thing way too seriously. He has many female friends. Female friends with "sexy" type profile pictures. I am a funny/wacky/stupid profile picture person. Of course, this is what I think he likes about me, but maybe I am wrong? Sexy picture girls leaving cutesy messages. Wacky picture girl (me) starts overanalyzing comments. Starts checking out Sexy pictures girls' profiles. Are they "In a relationship"? Do they have pictures with other guys and not him? Did he make their Top 8? Am I a total loser?

Seriously, just writing this makes me feel sort of foolish. But at the same time, I never really had a glimpse into his world until now. Sure, I'd met some of his friends, but it wasn't this way. I was there. I was the girl he came with, the girl he had his arm around. On MySpace, he's just A and I'm just one of his friends (but his top friend at that).

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

boy crazy

After three weeks of not seeing each other, I was ready to pounce on A. We made plans for Monday night (Football and dinner? was his text), but when we actually got finished with long work days, we didn't really want to do much. A was exhausted; he hadn't slept much the night before. I almost expected him to cancel our plans, and then I was slightly disappointed when he said he wanted a sort of "early" night because he was so tired. I had been looking forward to spooning with him, because that was probably what I was missing most. So I went over to his place, prepared for him to fall asleep within an hour and for me to be going home before 11.

However, my cleavage-baring shirt seemed to wake him up. (Oh, the tricks we ladies pull on our men.)

He was tired. When I got to his place, he was laying on top of his bed still in his work clothes. Once his roommate left on her date, we made our way upstairs to order food and watch tv (neither of us really wanted to go out despite the 60 degree evening we were enjoying in late November). Once we ordered falafel and couscous and schwarma, and turned on the game, he was awake. It didn't take long for me to realize that I wasn't going home anytime before dawn, and that if anyone was pouncing, it was going to be him.

We still don't sleep well together (I had his elbow in my face half of the night), but there was something about last night that restored my faith in him and put to bed (at least for a bit) those frustrations and worries that always seem to creep up sometime during the week. I'm still not 100% satisfied with the situation, more or less because I feel like it has become more work than it used to be (maybe that's what happens after 5 months?). And even though last night was lovely and he said all sorts of cutesy things, it still doesn't indicate where I stand with him. So I leave the conversation for yet another day.

Wednesday, November 22, 2006


Oh dear. I am freaking out and doing everything in a frenzy as I get ready to leave the office. Why? Because I am about to go home for 3 days, a place where there is a sketchy internet connection and no cable.

This is not easy for a media girl like me to digest. I'm used to hundreds of channels, VOD, Tivo, and wireless internet. Yes, I am bringing my laptop home to get some schoolwork done, but I will most likely be making a trip to Panera or Starbucks for Wi-Fi (probably Panera - it's free).

So I'm trying to do everything online that I possibly can right now, knowing that I won't be able to hop on whenever I need to until sometime on Saturday. And this is a perfect excuse for why I will need to return ASAP.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Monday, November 20, 2006

a form of escapism, i guess

Next time I am in a bad mood, I know what I need to do........LEAVE.

It's remarkable how three days out of the city can drastically improve my mood. I went from being flustered and frustrated to being content with the way things are. I owe this to finally getting out of Chicago for a change because I pretty much forgot all about my concerns here while I was gone. I didn't bring my laptop (brilliant decision) so schoolwork couldn't bother me. I had no time to get frustrated with A since we were hundreds of miles apart (and he left me cute messages totally out of the blue). Basically, any stress that I associate with my life in Chicago just disappeared.

Secondly, I missed my MN friends. Especially Ames. I knew I missed her, but I had no idea how much until she picked me up at the airport. We talked and talked and talked all weekend (this is something we do quite well when we aren't watching Law & Order or Nip/Tuck). We didn't really do much of anything in Minneapolis except eat and hang out together, but that was really all I wanted to do. Just three months ago, she was just a $7 cab ride away. And now, she is much too far. Being with Amy reminded me of what I love about my friends and why I am so lucky to have them. I tend to take people for granted when they are so accessible, but once they move away, I value their friendship even more.

So I came back last night somewhat sad to be home (looming homework deadlines, a short and furious work week, and no Amy in Chicago anymore). But, more importantly, I felt like something had been lifted in my mood. No longer was I feeling quite as irritable and nasty as I was just a week ago. Now I know....when the going gets tough, I need to get the hell out of here.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

going to the north country

I can't believe I haven't been on a trip anywhere since March 2005. No wonder I can't use up my vacation days (and to think, I get an extra week next year). Since most of my friends and family live in the Chicagoland area, I really have little reason to travel outside of Illinois. And I have little money to get me very far. But this weekend, I am getting Minneapolis.

Sure, it might not sound like the most glamorous of destinations (especially in mid-November), but I've never been there and I have some pretty awesome friends that I want to see. I have no expectations for the weekend (I love that), because I really have no idea what my friends have planned. We could just sit around, eat and drink, and check out the city, and I would be pleased.

I could barely look forward to this trip because my week has been so chaotic. Work has consisted of back-to-back-to-back meetings and I've been overwhelmed thinking about my new position on this brand new team. It freaks me out a bit. Besides that, I've been busy with classes and frustrated with A. I haven't seen him since we went to the movies last week and I won't see him again until the weekend after Thanksgiving, at the earliest. There are a lot of things on my mind lately, things that I really think I need to get off my chest and let him know how I'm feeling. Neither of us are big talkers when it comes to this kind of stuff, but it has to be done.

He was, however, one of the somewhat bright spots of my week. After whining a bit on the phone last night to him, he suggested meeting for lunch today (seeing as there would be no other time to see each other before I left). I got excited for about five minutes, until I consulted my mental calendar and realized that, of course, I had a meeting at 2 which would conflict with our potential 1:30 lunch date.

Alas, no lunch. But I'm already thinking about how I am going to attack him when we see each other after this long hiatus.

Monday, November 13, 2006

my no good, very bad, terrible day

Today....was....awful. It was the kind of bad day that you see in movies where the main character is all but dragged through the mud and you feel horrible for him or her, but it's also kind of funny how these bad things just keep happening concurrently.

That's how I felt all day....and I'm just feeling sorry for myself at this point because I've had no one to whine to about my horrible day. And if someone is willing to just read this (or at least I think someone might be willing to read this), it's almost like I'm whining and you're listening.

5:45am: Alarm.

5:50am: Actually get out of bed, thinking that going to the gym isn't such a hot idea but are another 45 minutes of sleep going to help anything?

6:20am: Finally leave the house.

6:21am: Regret deciding to wear heels during my commute. However, decide not to turn around.

6:25am: Regret wearing blazer and coat over blazer because I thought I would be cold. Turns out I am dying of heat exhaustion. Stupid heels.

6:34am: Stare at people on the el. Feel sick.

6:44am: Arrive at the gym and feel crappy already. Decide I will probably take it easy today as I have cramps and that is a good enough excuse.

7:05am: Get off the treadmill. I feel like shit. Lift weights for a few minutes and then determine that I really just want to be in the shower.

7:25am: Why won't the water get hot?

8:02am: Why am I at work already? Feeling overwhelmed.

8:45am: Leave for offsite training. A FIVE hour offsite training. At least they're giving us breakfast and lunch.

10:05am: Almost fall asleep during training. This coffee is weak.

12:20pm: Hooray for lunch! Hooray for potato wedges and chocolate and Diet Coke.

2:15pm: Walk back to the office and buy a vanilla latte because I have cramps. And arrive at my desk shortly after to find my inbox flooded with emails. Overwhelmed again.

2:45pm: I am OVERHEATING. Blazer off. Tank top and bra straps exposed. It's November. I don't care.

3:07pm: I'm cold.

5:30pm: Time for some cookies.

6:30pm: Leave work in blazer and coat ensemble again. Probably a bad idea. Feet are starting to really hurt and I am dreading the walk home. Don't want to make myself dinner or do anything.

6:35pm: Pick up prescription from Walgreens. Receive text from A. Smile a bit. It's about Taco Bell. Stop smiling.

6:40pm: Decide to stop at Cosi because I don't want to put any thought into making dinner and I am just feeling like crap and want to feel more like crap by eating a fatty TBM sandwich. Yum. Consider buying a brownie but resist.

6:55pm: Where is the damn train? My feet are killing me. Can't wait to sit down.

7:01pm: There are no seats on this train. I am about to tip over. And I am wiping (yes, wiping) sweat off my face. Probably look sickly to fellow el riders. Want to go home.

7:12pm: Walk home slowly because these damn heels don't let me walk any faster. Am still hot and listening to Berlin on my iPod.

7:35pm: Comfortable now in sweats and flip flops, I sit down in front of a CSI rerun and devour my sandwich.

7:45pm: A calls. Brief chat because I really want to get back to my sandwich. His day sucked too. But I'm smiling again (food and A).

8:00pm: Call A, but no answer. Boo. Why don't we have any chocolate in the house? Think about walking to the convenience store on the corner, but then see myself as pathetic. Damn hormones.

9:20pm: Give up on doing homework for the night. Try calling A again. No answer. I think he fell asleep.

9:30pm: Watch an episode of Da Ali G Show. This is the happiest I've been all day. Laugh out loud even though I've heard the jokes before.

10:15pm: Maybe I should just end this bad day.

Tomorrow....well, tomorrow is Tuesday (already bad news) and my work schedule is heinous and I have a group meeting for my class project after work and I am already feeling like it can top today as being awful. I think I'm gonna need a drink soon.

Thursday, November 09, 2006

they start earlier every year

Upon going to grab my morning coffee at 8, I was greeted with the most unpleasant site.

Holiday cups at Starbucks already?!?

It's November 9th!

And my friends wonder why I'm such a Scrooge...let's start celebrating the Christmas holiday slightly closer to its actual date. Maybe I would like it a bit more.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

holding my hand would have been nice

I've been unexplainably irrational lately. I pride myself on being practical, but when it comes to my love life, all rational thought disappears. Combined with potentially PMS-induced moodiness, it's becoming troublesom.....

Monday night was terrific. For our date A had chosen a cute wine bar which, when I looked it up on Metromix, had multiple reviews about its romantic setting. Perfect! Dinner was excellent. We ordered too much food (as usual) and I had one too many glasses of wine (as usual). Conversation was excellent. We ordered dessert (or rather, he ordered dessert because there was a raspberry/dark chocolate item and he knows that those are two of my favorite things in the world and even though I wasn't hungry for dessert and he doesn't really like raspberries or dark chocolate, he ordered it for us to share). After dinner, we went back to his place and watched TV before finally falling asleep some time around 3 am. It was a struggle for both of us to wake up Tuesday morning.

During dinner I mentioned that I had two free passes to a screening of Stranger Than Fiction for Tuesday night. He looked at me as if he were shocked that I hadn't already invited him. So we made plans for Tuesday night to meet after work and, again, I was really looking forward to it.

But then this is where he got weird and I started being irrational.....

The entire night - no touching, no handholding, no kissing until our goodbye. Not saying that I'm a PDA kind of girl (I'm not. I'm very non-touchy. I don't cuddle, I don't really do hugs, and kissing in public has always been awkward for me). Even so, I would have liked some showing of affection at some point during the night. It was as though we hadn't ever dated and he was a boy I liked and he was totally giving me the "let's just be friends" vibe. After the movie, we grabbed drinks and some dinner and, again, totally weird. He walked me to my bus stop, giving me a quick kiss before I boarded, and then continued walking down Chicago Avenue, checking his phone messages (I could see him from the bus).

Twenty minutes later when I stepped off the bus and started walking home, I started to feel really sad. Confused. Two nights, two completely different vibes. It's not that I started to doubt A's interest in me, but I did begin questioning where I stand with him. And this isn't really a conversation I want to have.

Monday, November 06, 2006

dinner and....

A is taking me on a date tonight.

You would think that after almost five months together, this wouldn't be so exciting. But because we've been so busy for most of those five months, real dates have been few and far between. (Don't get me wrong - cuddling on the couch for 12 hours watching football is fantastic, but sometimes a girl wants to be taken out).

I am looking so forward to this, you would think it was our first date all over again.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

tis the season

With Halloween comes the dreaded influx of candy. It's everywhere. At home (my mom donated and my roommate brought some home from work) and at work (everywhere! candy! sweets! parties! food!). Yesterday was one of the first days of snacking on sugary treats all day: cookies, puppy chow, individually wrapped chocolates. And this is just as I am resolving to eat healthier, snack less, and reduce the amount of sugary goodies I eat each day.

Good timing, Erin.

Friday, October 20, 2006

an easy way to blog

(Stolen from Clink, adjusted for location)

Name: Erin

Age: 24

Job: Advertising

Neighborhood: Wicker Park

Who's your favorite Chicagoan, living or dead, real or fictional?
Ferris Bueller, Kanye West

What's the best meal you've eaten in Chicago?
sushi at Japonais

In one sentence, what do you actually do all day in your job?
study kids, kids cereal, and media

Where do you get your coffee?

What's the last thing you saw at the theater?
King Lear at the Goodman....incredibly good

Do you give money to panhandlers?

What's your drink?
Lately I've been drinking a lot of wine, usually red. Usually making me get really goofy drunk, causing me to send weird confusing text messages, and giving me a nasty headache the next day (i.e., last night).

How often do you prepare your own meals?
Once or twice during the week, but usually depends on my schedule. My meals, however, are not usually difficult to prepare. Think pasta, think frozen fish, think homemade pizza.

What's your favorite medication?
I don't like medicine. Except aspirin. For those post-red wine binge headaches or when my knee acts all crazy.

What's hanging above your sofa?
Two evil eye paintings my roommate made. They aren't really my style.

How much is too much to spend on a haircut?
I don't spend more than $50. And I think that is too much.

When's bedtime?
Generally around 11, but lately it hasn't been so easy to fall asleep.

Brunch: pro or con?
Indifferent. There are a few brunch places in my hood, but I don't really do brunch.

What's your thread count?
Strangely enough, I have no idea.

What do you hate most about living in Chicago?
The poorly designed public transportation system. And the weather.

What's your brand of jeans?
I don't think I have one favorite. I love how my Rock & Republic's make my butt look.

When's the last time you drove a car?
A few weeks ago when I had to drive to Indiana for a career fair.

Who should be the next president?
If Barack Obama runs.....

Tribune or Sun-Times?
I read both, online. Actually, if I had to pick one, I'd choose the New York Times.

Cubs or Sox?
Sox, of course. Despite their poor performance this fall, I'm a South Side girl at heart and prefer the good guys in black.

What makes someone a Chicagoan?
They say pop, dislike the suburbs, and complain about the CTA/the mayor/the weather at all times. Oh, and they've got an awesome, undefeated football team.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006


It's a good thing baseball in Chicago turned out the way it did this fall. I don't think this city could handle two winning teams....someone might expect Michael Jordan to start playing basketball again.....

Now, do we think Brian Urlacher can sing? I think the team might have to start working on their song in time for February.

Monday, October 16, 2006

I'm stuffing my face and watching football. it's been the theme of the weekend. tonight, i'm consoling myself with a gigantic fudgy brownie and milk while I watch the Bears struggle against Arizona. (Rex Grossman, what are you doing?)

Yesterday, it was pure sloth. A and I didn't get out of bed all day. I didn't go further than upstairs to the kitchen to grab the leftover pizza from the night before which we ended up eating in bed. Sleep, football, sleep, football, talked to my mom, TBS, sleep, more TBS, some random late night tv, sleep. That was my Sunday.

At some point last night, I asked A if he was sick of me yet. it had been almost 36 straight hours together, just us - no one else around. No, he wasn't sick of me. And, in return, I wasn't sick of him. After drinking too much on Friday night, neither of us wanted to go out. We holed up in his apartment with movies and pizza, cuddling on the couch before moving to his bed. (Oh, I'm not supposed to tell anyone he cuddles.....he has a reputation to uphold, he says.)

We're taking things slowly, especially since both of us are so busy that we can't really get too serious now. I like the slowness, it gives me more time to fully enjoy our time together without getting too scared of what might go wrong. (And if taking it slow means spending 30+ hours in bed together, I can't complain).

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

the s-word

I couldn't have said it better myself:

"We don't like the sound of this. is reporting SNOW for Thursday and Friday, and we're pretty sure it isn't going to be any pretty soft and fluffy snowman-making snow either. Get ready for the slushy October snow. You know how it likes to play. It doesn't start falling from the sky until you have that five-block hike from the train to your apartment. Or it's sunny outside all morning, and as soon as you step out for lunch, bam! Snow comes out of nowhere. Or what about when you were in fourth grade and had a sleeveless Cleopatra costume all planned out for Halloween? But then fuckin' snow had to come in and make you wear a coat and hat on top of your gold satin dress.

December snow, you're cool. But October snow, screw you." (Chicagoist)

Sunday, October 08, 2006

Study Buddies

School has taken over my life this past term. Taking more than one class a week is proving to be far more difficult than I expected, especially since one of those courses is Finance, something I have come to despise. I think I was predisposed to hating the class since I am not a math/numbers/accounting fan, but I hate it even more because there is so much work involved and the professor is kind of a jerk. Only three weeks to go until it's over (and I probably bomb the final). I've pretty much determined that this is the term when I break my all-A streak. Oh well.

My other class isn't so bad. It's about Leadership and it's primarily discussion based. There isn't that much work to do for the course and the best part of it is A is in the class with me. He is determined to graduate at the end of this term (in four weeks) so he is taking three classes right now. I have no idea how he is doing it. (Okay, I do know. He doesn't really sleep much. He stays up late writing papers and taking quizzes and turns assignments in a few days late). But since we are both so overwhelmed with school this term, we're finding it very difficult to spend any time together (and our class doesn't count).

So we've managed to be like college kids and study together. And I think it's working. I'm the disciplined one. I sit down and focus and get my assignment done. I manage my time effectively so that I can play when the work is over. A is not quite so disciplined. He procrastinates. He half-asses his work. But he also takes time to relax and step away from school when he needs to. Our studying together is effective since I can be the good influence on him, and we know that when our work is done we can really spend time together.

This weekend was no exception. We had to complete a midterm quiz online before our class on Saturday afternoon. A and I are sharing the book for the course so we had to do the quiz together. And since he has missed a couple classes for personal reasons, I am a lot closer to the material and have all the notes. A, who was housesitting for his friend for a few days this past week, picked me up Friday night and we went back to his friend's place to start the quiz. We started the quizzes late in the night (around 11pm) and didn't finish both of them until almost 4 (with a small break in between). Housesitting meant dogsitting as well so we had to keep taking the dog out and entertaining him so he wouldn't disturb the person taking the quiz. After we finished, we refilled our wine glasses and just talked in between bites of pita chips and artichoke dip. We talked a lot, and he even brought up the fact that he wants to take things slowly. He and I agree that going too fast can make the relationship fizzle out too fast; both of us have had this happen before. But then I lost my chance. He mentioned that his friend Amy asked about us, what our status was, and that she was surprised I hadn't brought it up to A. He said he was surprised as well. It's my awkwardness, my fear, that has caused me not to say anything and I lost my chance during the conversation to really ask him because we started talking about something else and it was gone.

But I've been thinking about it a lot, about what I want A and I to be. Now that it's on the table, I'm not really afraid to bring it up again and really have the conversation.

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

of course, it's tuesday

-I feel like I'm getting sick. I hate being sick. I hate thinking I'm about to be sick. I woke up this morning a bit stuffed up and not wanting to go to the gym. I made myself go. I felt better afterwards. But all day I was sneezing and sanitizing and sneezing. I treated myself to a Jamba Juice because those Berry Fulfillings always make me feel better when I'm sick. And I wanted an excuse to go outside. It was a beautiful 80+ degrees in Chicago on the third day of October. (And I attribute this oncoming sickness to the unseasonable weather. Bah).

-I am having to deal with a very abrasive coworker. I avoid her at all costs. But she needs something from me and I was gently forced into setting up a meeting with her tomorrow. Not looking forward to this....

-It's been three weeks since I found out about my promotion. And I still have NO idea where I'm going and what team I'll be on and I can't tell anyone at work and my raise still isn't effective and I totally need the money.

-I lost my keys. I'm hoping that I left them in my locker at the gym (because I made myself go). Unfortunately, I didn't discover they were missing until I was checking out at the grocery store and the cashier asked me for my Preferred Card. I dug and dug and dug until half my bag was emptied onto the floor and no keys. I gave up. Walked home, arms heavy with groceries yet fingers crossed that one of the roomies would be home. No such luck. I waited 25 minutes before a neighbor let me in and another 40 minutes until one of my roommates let me in. All this with six bags of groceries, almost entirely perishable. I felt like an idiot.

So it was a crummy day, made even crummier when all I wanted to do was go home, lounge around, make dinner, and watch Nip/Tuck. The whole lost key thing, however, totally soured my attitude and put me in a nasty mood. It took food and reality tv to get me out of my funk.

It was nothing like Monday. An uneventful day, for the most part, that began by waking up next to A. I need more of those....

Friday, September 29, 2006

go back to the bootyshakin'

did someone tell beyonce that she can dance? i mean, aside from that butt-shake-hip-jiggle she did in the "crazy in love" video? because these jerky, awkward moves she does in her most recent videos look more like jazzy seizures to me.

Sunday, September 24, 2006

football in bed

It was one of my laziest days in a long, long time. I did not get out of bed until 4pm. And that's after going to sleep sometime around 5:30 am. And in the words of A, sometimes you just need to be lazy.

And it's so much better being lazy with him.

He came over last night to just hang out since neither of us wanted to go out. We ordered food, watched some bad movies on Oxygen as well as a few episodes of The Cosby Show, and managed to stay up until the early morning hours talking in my bed. We haven't had a night like that....ever.

He told me stories (he has a so many) and prodded me to tell stories. I finally started talking about my family, a sore subject that I rarely discuss even with my closest friends. But I started telling him everything, albeit in the most unemotional way because I didn't want to start crying. Few people ever see me cry because I can't stand exposing my vulnerability. So the only people who see me cry are usually the people who have seen it before. And I am not ready to cry in front of A yet. So I withheld some emotion and tried to tell the story as best I could, stopping myself when I heard my voice waver on the brink of tears.

This morning, when we both semi-woke up around 11:50, we turned on the Bears game and didn't move. There would be no food, drink, or (damn) kissing today because it is the first day of Ramadan and that's what I get for dating a Muslim guy. I managed not to eat or drink anything until he left later in the afternoon, but I'd be a liar if I said the no kissing (or other inappropriate behavior) didn't bother me. I don't think I've ever felt so horny in my life.

When he did finally leave I was happy only because I had homework to do and needed to be somewhat productive with my beautiful fall day. Otherwise, my thoughts drifted to when we would get to spend time together again (damn us for both being so busy all the time), especially a time after sundown.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

the uh oh factor (pt 2)

as in "uh oh, i really like A." as in, "uh oh, how do i bring up the 'where is this going' conversation?"

i didn't sleep all that well last night: woke up early and throughout the night due to snoring (his) and cramps (mine). it was the first time we'd slept together in a month and a half. and when i say sleep, i mean sleep/spoon/lay next to each other in some awkward position.

aside from the snoring, i'd missed it. we went out last night to watch some football and just be together. it was me and four of his friends so it's not like there was any alone time at the bar, but i had a great time getting to know his friends better and just hang out. it had been too damn long. as the night wore on, i was sleepy and my buzz was wearing off. i knew i wasn't going to go all the way back to my place when his was a much closer cab ride away. besides, i just wanted to sleep next to him again. it was just like i'd remembered, and it put a smile on my face on this otherwise bland tuesday.

did i mention that i am head over heels for him?

Monday, September 18, 2006


there is something about fall.

something a little clearer in the air.

it's a more serious season than summer, but not nearly as mean as winter. it starts out quietly, with days like today: sunny, breezy, mid-60s temperatures. there is football to watch and the last rounds of cookouts to attend. there are layers.

and then the leaves start to fall, slowly and unnoticeable at first because they haven't dried out enough to become crunchy. once the crunchiness starts the leaves, it seems, are everywhere. covering the sidewalks, clinging to shoes and jackets and hair. but most importantly, it's the glow that those leaves give off on a sunny afternoon. the way everything looks golden in late September/early October if you catch the day at the right time.

and it becomes cooler. layers include heavier jackets and summery items get stuffed into drawers or boxes or the back of closets. out come the sweaters, sleeves pulled down around the hands to keep them warm. out comes the cider, the pumpkins, and the costumes (for my favorite holiday).

then, just as november makes its way in, some crazies start talking about winter and snow and white christmases and don't remember to enjoy those last beautiful days of fall.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

better days

all of those things that were stressing me out not too long ago? not so much of a problem.

just this week i got the promotion i've been waiting for. i couldn't believe it! although i knew it would be coming soon, i was still surprised when my boss told me. however, it's been somewhat anti-climactic. i'm not allowed to tell anyone at work yet and my friends really haven't been able to celebrate with me. bummer. i won't know what account i will be working on until everything is formally announced. now i'm just anxious for that (and the accompanying raise).

things are better with A. we talked about the fact that he was ignoring me (actually he brought it up). we're taking a class together on saturdays which sort of sucks and is sort of nice. i feel like i'm in high school again because we just sit in the back and flirt. and i make him buy me lunch during the break.

i also figured out that i can be done with my mba by february! i thought it was going to be at least april before i graduated and, to do so, i would have to pay for some of my classes (i currently attend gratis). but no reimbursement will be needed as my mom's faculty position ensures that i can take all my courses for free. this means that i will have to push myelf a bit more, but i think it's totally worth it.

otherwise, things are pretty good. work is slow and socially things have slowed down from their summer crazyness. i like knowing that i can stay in on a friday night if i really want to while not worrying about missing someone's event.

Friday, September 01, 2006

what was britney thinking?

i think it's clear who she should have stayed with....

maybe it's my love of public trans

I was told last night that I am a real Chicago girl. Still trying to figure out what that means, but I'll take it as a compliment.

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

i'm hoping it's a chemical imbalance

I am in pull-my-hair-out stressed/depressed/anxious mode this week. The kind of mood where I want to cry at multiple times throughout the day for almost no reason. When all I want is to eat chocolate and have the calories disappear into thin air. When I just want my roommates to go away so I can be all by myself and mope in peace. And sleep, though it's hard to come by, is the best part of the day.

There isn't one specific cause; a number of things could be contributing to my fluctuating, often gloomy mood this week. At first I thought it was A. His say one thing/do another behavior lately has warped my mind. When I think about him, I cannot think clearly nor can I think rationally. It's driving me a bit mad. But he's not the only stressor. Work, which was insanely busy for the past 2 1/2 months, has come to an abrupt halt. I find myself ready for a lunch break at 10:30am. Just a few weeks ago, lunch was that little snack I had around 2:15. You'd think this would make me happy, but instead it's got me thinking more. And thinking more always makes me anxious. This, coupled with the fact that I am antsy about getting promoted, made each day this week (and I only have a 3-day work week) slightly painful. Or maybe it's the statistics final I have to take tonight. However, I think I am just using that as something to blame this all on. I've got a 97% in the course going into the final exam so I have little to worry about. In fact, studying has been one way of getting my mind off other bothersome things.

This morning when I stepped outside I found another possible cause - the suddenly cool, gloomy weather which started on Sunday. It's difficult to get out of bed in the morning when it's dark and rainy outside, especially when my room is almost always dark (thanks to the small space between our building and our neighbor's). Coming home from work has been wet and cold and crowded. Now that I'm not working hellishly late, I leave with everyone else. Which means everyone else is trying to get on the same train. And all of us don't fit (though there are always those individuals who insist that there is room for one last person and that one last person is them). So I've crowded myself into the el car and braced myself against a pole for the three stop (only 8 minute) ride to my hood. But once I'm off the train, it's piddle-paddle through the puddles on Division in my flip-flops, splatters of mud up and down my calves when I finally get home and try to fish my keys out of my bag without dropping my umbrella. That alone would put any reasonable person on edge.

But my favorite possible cause of this distress is the new birth control I started last week. Potential side effects include depression or sudden mood changes. Sounds about right.

Monday, August 28, 2006

chill out erin

i need to relax.

there is nothing to worry about.

he's still into me.

this is why i don't like getting involved with a guy, all these stupid worries come barreling down for no reason. i was mistaking his one text message a day (a sharp decline from the typical 4-6) for him losing interest. i don't think that's the case. i'm just looking forward to spending some quality time with him soon....

Saturday, August 26, 2006

so many questions

Uh oh. I'm at the point in my relationship with A that I'm starting to wonder. Starting to have doubts. Ask questions. Feel anxious.

Not because I'm not interested. It's pretty clear that I am into him. And he knows it. All along I've been feeling the same things from him. He's honest about everything and it's been pretty obvious that he really likes me. But lately.....I haven't been so sure. Maybe it's because we didn't hang out for three weeks. I finally got to see him yesterday because I'd offered to take him out to lunch (I had the day off). Lunch was good. It was partial reassurance of what I had been doubting. But I'm still not 100% sure that something hasn't changed. I just have this odd feeling that he doesn't want to spend as much time with me as he did just a month ago. I'm trying to be as understanding as possible, knowing that he is really busy and that he just started a new job, etc. So I try to understand. But that doesn't make it any easier.

Sunday, August 20, 2006

just frustrated, that's all

I haven't seen in A in over two weeks. This is when I start to doubt everything. This is when I get a little freaked out. And this is why I get scared when I start to really like someone. Because, inevitably, there will be these feelings of doubt. The feelings that tell me he's no longer interested. That he no longer wants to hang out with me in his bed all day on Sunday. That those wishes to treat me to a lovely dinner were nothing more than empty promises.

I don't really believe this. I don't think he isn't interested. I think we are both insanely busy. I think we are both very loyal to our friends and understand that they often come first. And because we haven't had the whole boyfriend/girlfriend discussion yet, there is no reason to get all bent out of shape. But it doesn't change the fact that I really want to see him. That it has been far too long and I am getting anxious. Especially after Friday night, a night where for 7 hours we sent each other text messages trying to meet up and both of us ending up at home, alone.

So I want to see him. I want to just hang out, the two of us. And it shouldn't have to be this massive effort. Unfortunately, due to our schedules, it often is.

Saturday, August 19, 2006

musical meme

What's a great late night song?
if i'm out at a bar - any 80s hair band rock or captain & tenille

Name 5-10 wistful/bittersweet songs:
Wild Horses - Rolling Stones
I've Been Loving You Too Long - Otis Redding
Hold Me Now - Thompson Twins
Saturday Sun - Nick Drake
Letter to Elise - The Cure

The 4 Best Songs Ever Written:
Astral Weeks - Van Morrison
God Only Knows - Beach Boys
I Believe - Stevie Wonder

Current Favorite Songs:
Transatlanticism - Death Cab for Cutie
SexyBack - Justin Timberlake
Brighter Than Sunshine - Aqualung
Moonlight Mile - Rolling Stones

3 All Time Faves That Never Get Old To You:
Mo Money Mo Problems - Notorious BIG
Sympathy for the Devil - Rolling Stones
Rapture - Blondie

Song You Want (or did) To Play At Your Wedding:
Into the Mystic - Van Morrison

Song You Want to Play At Your Funeral:
no idea

4 Records You Really Dug from 2005
Late Registration - Kanye West
Plans - Death Cab for Cutie
I Am a Bird Now - Antony & the Johnsons

Favorite Records From This Year So Far:
apparently all of my albums are pre-06.....but I am going to add some 05 that I bought this year
Multiply - Jamie Lidell
Speak for Yourself - Imogen Heap

Good Angry Songs:
Fuck Tha Police - NWA
You Oughta Know - Alanis Morissette

One of Your Favorite Lyrics:
I remember thinking
I'll go on forever only know I'll see you again
But I know
the touch of you is hard to remember
But like that touch I know no other
and for sure we'll dance in the risk of each other
would you like to dance around the world with me

Cover Songs Arguably Better Than the Original:
Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds - Elton John
Fly Me to the Moon - Astrud Gilberto
This Woman's Work - Maxwell
Not Fade Away - Rolling Stones

Ironic Song to Brutally Murder Someone to in a movie:
Yesterday - The Beatles

Great Dance Song You Maybe Never Realized Was a Great Dance song Back in the Day:
Blue Monday - New Order (i was just too young to appreciate it)

Good Albums To Workout To:
Speakerboxx/The Love Below - Outkast
Franz Ferdinand - Franz Ferdinand
The Immaculate Collection - Madonna

Good Album to Clean The House To:
I grew up listening to the Best of Earth Wind & Fire whenever we cleaned

Good Dining Music:
Sinatra, Martin, or any of the Great American Songbook

Good Album To Have Sex To:
hmmm not Coldplay. I've tried that.

A Good Album To Put You In the Mood (that is NOT Sade, Marvin Gaye or Barry White):
this is strange, but Sticky Fingers by the Rolling Stones (I think it's just the name....and the opening of Can't You Hear Me Knocking)

Good Album To Sleep To:
Cosmic Game - Thievery Corporation
Pink Moon - Nick Drake

Good Rock Songs That You Can Dance To: (not necessarily good songs....but you can dance to em)
Beautiful People - Marilyn Manson
Are You Gonna Go My Way - Lenny Kravitz
Nookie - Limp Bizkit

Song That Is Too Damn Sad:
Hope There's Someone - Antony & the Johnsons
What Sarah Said - Death Cab for Cutie

Great Love Song:
Have I Told You Lately - Van Morrison

An Album Full of Tenderness:
any Otis Redding

Song To An Ex That Isn't Meanspirited:
Ex Factor - Lauryn Hill

Song To An Ex That Is Kinda Meanspirited:
Walking on Broken Glass - Annie Lennox
Song for the Dumped - Ben Folds Five (obvious, I know, but I love it)

Song to Listen to While in The Country Looking at Stars:
I just think of Dave Matthews or John Mellancamp

Song To Cry In Your Pillow to:
Hold Me Now - Thompson Twins

Songs That Make You Feel Amped and Inspired:
Walking on Sunshine - Katrina & the Waves

Great Semi-Obscure B-side:
She Smiled Sweetly - Rolling Stones

Song That Makes You Miss Your Mom:
Anything from Tapestry - Carole King

That's Baby Makin' Music (No, Really):
How Does It Feel - D'Angelo

Criminally Underrated Band That Didn't Get Attention and Then Broke Up:
Ben Folds Five - I looooved them in high school

Best Fuck You I Am a Teenager in Pain Song:
Fight For Your Right - Beastie Boys

Feel No Shame: Great Current Pop Songs:
Promiscuous - Nelly Furtado
SexyBack - Justin Timberlake
Do It To It - Cherish
SOS - Rihanna

Album No One Would Expect You To Love:
Bob Seger's Greatest Hits

Album No One Would Expect You To Dislike:
I own Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers Greatest Hits, but I don't think I really like Tom Petty very much. And people would probably think I liked him. Maybe?

Album No One Would Expect You To Really Know:
Deja Vu - Crosby, Stills, Nash, & Young

Emo Album You Actually Like:
I don't think I really like any Emo bands.

Good, But Overrated Cause Of Indie Revisionism:
no understand

5 Desert Island Discs off the top of your head (30 sec clock):
Forty Licks - Rolling Stones
Whatever and Ever Amen - Ben Folds Five
The Immaculate Collection - Madonna
Astral Weeks - Van Morrison

3 Contemporary Artists That Were Your Faves 10 Years Ago:
I was 14. I was listening to a lot of crap. And to Alanis Morissette and DMB.

Music That Makes You Feel Sophisticated:
Astrud Gilberto & Stan Getz

Fave Electronic Record You Own:
Multiply (Jamie Lidell) or The Cosmic Game (Thievery Corporation)

Fave Hip-Hop Record You Own:
College Dropout - Kanye West

Hip-Hop Song You Know All the Lyrics Too:
too many. favorite to sing along with - People Everyday by Arrested Development

Random Album You Loved In High School But Are Afraid To Admit It:

Album You May Have Listened To More In Highschool than Any Other Album:
anything by Dave Matthews Band....i was obsessed

If You Could Enter A Wrestling Ring to a Song It Would Be:
Honky Tonk Women - The Rolling Stones
(actually this is the song that i would choose for when i was up to bat in a baseball game)

Album To Clear A Room With:
any boy band

Thursday, August 17, 2006

a year's worth of posting

Happy 1st anniversary to my blog!

(I'd write more but I'm drinking chardonnay with my roommate and watching the wedding equivalent of america's funniest home videos.)

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

random rules

i visit the onion's av club once in awhile, but i didn't know about its random rules feature. basically, they ask the interviewee to set their ipod to shuffle (no skipping allowed), and see what the first 10 songs are. so i am trying this myself, knowing that i can risk quite a bit of embarrassment by displaying a few not so cool tracks that live on my ipod. please note that i have not taken time recently to clean off my ipod (meaning that i haven't deleted some songs that i don't really want on there but somehow managed to get uploaded one day.

(thanks to dan who first blogged about this.)

Down The Road Apiece - The Rolling Stones
Not surprising that the Stones came up as they are my favorite band and probably the most frequently played artist on shuffle. This is a track from The Rolling Stones, Now!, an album from the early 1960s that is heavily influenced by American Rock & Roll and the blues. And this is a great track that I don't listen to enough.

Saturday Night's Alright for Fighting - Elton John
I love Elton John. This is one of those songs that I can sing along to and get into a good mood. And this also pops up on my workout mix, I think. It makes me want to punch someone, but in a good way.

Hold My Hand - Hootie & the Blowfish
First embarrassing track. I don't really like Hootie, but this is a fun song to sing along to in the car with friends. Reminds me of junior high.

All By Myself - Jamie O'Neal
This version is from the Bridget Jones Diary soundtrack and is the kind of song I like to listen to when I am lonely or sad. It's totally cheesy, but that's the kind of crap you want to hear when you're sad, especially over a boy.

I Can Tell - 504 Boyz
Very embarrassing. This reminds me of going to frat parties during my freshman year of college. Which is probably when it got downloaded to my computer and added to some sort of freshman year mix cd. Remember mix cds? I miss those.

Let's Wait a While - Janet Jackson
Janet was my first real concert. Rhythm Nation Tour. I like a lot of her songs, but this is one I typically skip over.

The Name of the Game - ABBA
Similar to the Janet comment, I like ABBA (who doesn't?) but this is one song I have probably never listened to the whole way through.

Somebody Told Me - The Killers
I tried to get into this band last year when they became super popular, but it didn't really happen. This song is okay. I like listening to it when I work out because of the tempo.

Livin' on the Edge - Aerosmith
Get a Grip was the first CD I ever owned. I got it for Christmas with my CD player-boom box (which is going on 10 years old and I currently have in my bedroom).

Man is the Baby - Antony & the Johnsons
Maybe I can redeem myself with this last track. Max introduced me to this band this past winter and the lyrics and vocals on each track of this album (I Am A Bird Now) are so heartbreakingly beautiful. Sometimes I cry when I listen to this album. Sometimes I am in the mood to cry so I turn on this album. This isn't one of my favorites though - I am quite fond of "You Are My Sister".

Sunday, August 13, 2006

sunday funday

last thing you burned while cooking?
i don't think i've burned anything in a really long time. maybe overcooked a quesadilla or two.

describe yourself in 3 words?
witty, introverted, disciplined

how long does it take you to get ready for your day?
about 30 minutes

are you a health freak?
aside from not eating

how many people have thought you were the one?
none that i know of

what turns you off about the opposite sex?
too much testosterone, whistling/catcalling/honking at beautiful women passing by, fighting

what kind of car do you drive?
i take the cta

favourite thing to toast to?
the future

what celebrity would you have coffee with?
Woody Allen

what celebrity would you not have sex with?
Carrot Top

what is the main ringtone on your cell?
vibrate - i hate the ring tones

what were you doing at midnight last night?
watching American Psycho. Christian Bale = super hot and scary.

last tv show you watched?

who is your best friend?
jillian and leslie

who in your family do you get along with?
my mom, my aunt joyce

what is your top 5 hollywood hottie list?
adam brody, joaquin phoenix, matthew mcconaughey, christian bale, robert downey jr

who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone?
A, the new man in my life

when/where was the last place you traveled?
does my biz trip to battle creek, michigan count? this is exactly why i need to go on a vacation. soon.

how many times have you been in love?
a handful - it scares the shit out of me

how old will you be in 10 years?

what did the last text message you received on your cell say?
"Boo. But me too."

what is a saying you say a lot?
wtf. what the eff? effing.....

sinful snacking weakness?
ice cream, cookies, and milkshakes

best clothing style?
not sure i understand the question

ever run out of gas?
there were a few times in college when i came pretty close

ever been to europe?
Yes- France, twice.

worst date ever?
i don't think i have been on any horrible dates. just awkward, no good dates when you know that you are never going to speak to this person again.

personal records?
again, what is the question?

what would you do if you could be the opposite sex for a day?
pee. get a boner. try out guy talk in a sports bar and be all manly/fratty.

total jail time?

have a crush on anyone you work with?
i did a few months ago. we no longer work together, which is a plus.

in your cd player right now?
Kanye West - Late Registration. Although I don't really use my cd player.

what is something you believe in?
my friends

what is something you fear?
dying. being lonely. getting old.

big or small?
no understand question

worst physical pain you ever experienced?
i think i've been pretty lucky. can't think of the absolute worst. although when i had a stomach virus in may, i could barely stand. or sit. i could only lay down. and that was awful. (there were additional symptoms that made this pain even worse).

tell us something about your childhood?
although i was really happy being an only child, there were many times when i got lonely being the only kid around and would have really loved having a brother or sister.

best time to catch you in a good mood?

if you could be anything for a day, what would it be?
a woman who lunches. seriously.

most prized possession?
my laptop

would you ever sell it?
not unless i got a new one

what is one of your pet peeves?
not closing doors/drawers/cabinets when done opening them, leaving lights on after you exit a room, poor spelling, talking during a movie in a movie theater

favourite actor/actress
Diane Keaton/Robert Downey Jr

what song are you listening to right now?
Apologies - James Figurine

if you could sucker punch someone right now who would it be?
oh wow, i have no idea.

any secrets?
not that i'm telling you

unhealthy addictions?
my daily coffee fix, milkshakes

unhealthy fascinations?
not lately

favourite sexual position?
i'd prefer not to get so personal :)

what do you notice first about the opposite sex?
hair, eyes, smile, height

favourite physical part of the opposite sex?
back and mouth

what physical part would you change about yourself?
i hate my knees. but i think i would change my hips/gluteal area.

soft sensual sex or porn star sex?

would you go on a date with someone you met online?
i've done it

work attire?
depends on my mood. sometimes i actually try to dress & impress, other days it's jeans and flip flops. actually it's flip flops most days.

what is your best physical feature?

do you think anyone actually has read this far?
maybe one or two people

(thanks ms. sizzle for giving me something to post...)

Friday, August 11, 2006

my kind of weekend

i've been looking forward to tonight since monday. no exaggerating. the moment i knew i was going to be home alone this weekend, without any other friends (or A) in town, I got slightly sad then really excited. after three busy weekends in a row, i was really looking forward to a few days of absolutely no plans or obligations. i could do whatever i wanted. what made it especially enticing was the long work week i had. i didn't come home before 8:45 once this week. i barely worked out this week since i was so tired every morning. thursday i dragged myself out for a short run in the neighborhood. but even my favorite friday morning yoga class couldn't get me up this morning.

my plan for tonight was crashing on my couch the moment i got home from work. fortunately, i was able to leave right at 5 tonight. stopped off at the convenience store near my place on the way home, grabbed a bottle of wine (which i plan on finishing by myself tonight), watched cartoons on demand, made dinner, watched mr. & mrs. smith, and now i am getting drunk watching bad music videos. and i couldn't be happier doing anything else.

tomorrow? sunday? no idea. i've got running, laundry, groceries, and possibly a solo trip to the movies (it's been four months since i've gone to see a's time). and i know sunday evening is going to come way too fast.

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

lolla photos

just a few of the photos from this past weekend.



what a beautiful place for lollapalooza

my dirty feet sunday night

Monday, August 07, 2006

three days of heat, beats, and dirty feet

lollapalooza is better than christmas.

that was our motto this past weekend as we walked and rocked around grant park. i didn't make it to the concert last summer (i sold my ticket at the last minute), but i am so glad i made the decision to buy one for this year's fest. the lineup was diverse and exciting and almost too jammed with great artists. in fact, i think the biggest complaint from concertgoers was the distance between the two stage areas. with large crowds, it took awhile to get from one end to the other which was frustrating when trying to see bands playing in either area. and because there were so many acts i wanted to see, i had to sacrifice seeing a few to catch others.

complaints aside, it was an amazing weekend. there was good music all around, abundant people watching, and it couldn't have been in a better location. i can only hope that perry ferrell is in love with chicago and keeps the festival here for years to come. i take it for granted that i live just a short train ride from the park.

what i liked best about this festival was that i got to bands i would have never seen otherwise. i coughed up $145 in april for those acts that i knew. but there were plenty of others that i had barely (or never) heard of. i think that's what i liked best about friday; spending most of the day alone allowed me to just enjoy the music around me. saturday i was focused on the evening's lineup of chicago natives common & kanye west so my day was centered around getting a good spot for those two shows. sunday was probably the most relaxed day of all until the melee that was red hot chili peppers.

i regret not seeing panic! at the disco, the raconteurs, the flaming lips, thievery corporation, or of montreal. but no regrets for missing some of those acts because i was standing & waiting near the at&t stage for common and kanye. that last set made my entire weekend. i wish i had seen more of the go team as well. i caught the end of their set and they were so high energy that the entire crowd was bouncing. i haven't seen that since the kelly clarkson concert i attended a few weeks ago (don't ask). best surprise of the weekend goes to mates of state who were incredible. they drew a rather large crowd and everyone was bopping along to their poppy/synth beats. andrew bird and ben kweller are two other artists i would like to get to know better - i saw parts of both sets and really enjoyed them.

all in all i saw aqualung, ohmega watts, stars, mates of state, secret machines, my morning jacket, sleater-kinney, death cab for cutie, the go team, built to spill, calexico, gnarls barkley, common, kanye west, ben kweller, andrew bird, the shins, wilco, and the red hot chili peppers.

Wednesday, August 02, 2006


I know, I know. I haven't been blogging. I apologize. But I haven't had a lot to write and, if I did write, I don't want to bore you with my gushing.

Because I am crazy about A. And he is obviously crazy about me. I just hung out with him for a few hours after class and I am still smiling. He is so honest about how he feels - it's fantastic. I find myself being relatively open with him too, even though (as we discussed tonight) I don't let people in very easily. He met more of my friends last weekend. I met more of his friends soon after that. We passed each other's tests. Our friends are fond of us. My friend Leslie was impressed with the chemistry between A and I, as well as how clearly he was into me. I could tell it made her happy to see me so happy. His friends, including an ex-girlfriend, liked me. It's always hard penetrating the girl group of friends, but it seems like I did very well.

This weekend I will be spending most of my time in Grant Park at Lollapalooza so I might not see A very much. We've basically planned all of our free time around each other. That goes for next week as well when I attend some friend's birthday party with him (this will be the second time). It seems I was invited. And that's pretty damn cool.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

i didn't want to jinx it....

There are a few things that happen when I start dating someone.

1. I try not to get too excited about it. In my history, it's far more likely that the budding relationship with fall flat on its face within a few weeks.

2. So I try not to jinx it. I don't talk about the guy, the feelings, the anything because I'm certain that once I start verbalizing it, it will fall flat on its face. That's what always seems to happen.

3. When I do start talking about it, it's usually with my close friends. And if I really like someone, I can't wait for them to meet my friends. There are two reasons for this. First, my friends know me so well and can verify if I've found a good guy or not. I also want them to see my interaction with the fellow, to judge whether or not this is something I should continue to pursue. Secondly, the new man must see me with my friends. My friends are very important to me, and they are also a reflection of who I am as a person. And if he can't handle me when I'm with my friends, it's all over.

4. I also begin thinking too far into the future. I don't take time to appreciate what is going on at the moment; it's all about what will happen next. As a result, I start imagining a relationship that doesn't really exist. I get my hopes up and the guy doesn't meet my expectations.

5. I try to play the games and I fail miserably. All that game-playing in a relationship frustrates me. I don't understand how to play or what the game even is. As much as try to master these games, I always do something silly or stupid or honest that screws it all up.

So what about this new guy, A?

1. I am very excited about it. But not too excited. I tried to restrain myself at first. However, those days are long gone. My friend Leslie told me today that I'm smitten. It's true.

2. I waited to talk about it for as long as possible. It didn't matter - I haven't seemed to jinx. So now I can spread the word. I'm pretty crazy about A.

3. He's met most of my closest friends, even going so far as to go on a double date with my best friend and her boyfriend. It went splendidly. She is a huge fan of A, telling me that she really likes how we are together. I am very genuine around him, she says. He really likes my friends. And he's introduced me to most of his close friends. And I got good reviews as well.

4. I'm enjoying the moment. It's easy with him. We talk all the time and we are honest with each other. I don't need to start looking into the future because I'm so happy right now.

5. And, as I stated above, it's easy. There have been no games. We're upfront about things and we have no reason to play games with each other. I don't feel as though I have to work at anything with A. He treats me like no man has ever treated me before. I feel like a princess with him, which is something that I've never really felt in a relationship. When my friends tell me that they've never seen me like this, I'm quick to respond that it's because no one has ever treated me so well.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

reasons/excuses for not posting more often

I've been spending all my time at work.

All that time I've been at work, I've actually been doing work. (No fun on the net).

When I'm not at work, I'm probably sleeping.

If I'm not sleeping, I'm doing statistics homework.

There's a cute boy occupying my mind.

This cute boy is also occupying my time.

A cute boy is far better than spending my free time in my room, alone, blogging on my laptop.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

blue tuesday

it is a universal truth that tuesdays are the worst day of the week. mine started with rain after i grudgingly dragged myself out of bed to go to the gym. i haven't been sleeping much lately and i was exhausted. but i still managed to get myself going this morning only to step outside into nasty, drippy rain. at least the train pulled in just as i got down to the platform.

my workday actually went well; no snags to speak of. i really felt great about the entire day until i heard from a coworker that the blue line wasn't working. there had been some sort of fire on the tracks. what started as a bit of a pain turned into a major annoyance when it took me 1.5 hours to get home. first i waited for the bus that is an alternate way of getting to my hood. i joined about 50 other people on the curb, all with the same idea. unfortunately, there were no buses coming. at least not the route we wanted. you would think the cta would dispatch more buses along that route since it is being considered an alternate to the train, but no......

fed up with waiting, i considered just trying to get a cab. i only had about $2 in my wallet so i stopped at a walgreen's for some cash. that's when i found the shuttle pickup. it was taking cta customers to the damen stop on the blue line. perfect! i weaved in between people until i managed to get a spot standing in the aisle hovering over an old man. i turned up the sound on my ipod to drown out the voices around me and tried to not think about how awful this was. it could be worse, right? i could have been on the train that derailed.

eventually, i made it home. a little irritated, sort of tired, ready for a drink. both of my parents called me after seeing the story on the news, just making sure i was okay. and A called too because he heard about it and thought of me.

more on that later....

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

the catastrophe snail

On a recent episode of The Grim Adventures of Billy & Mandy,, Billy experienced a string of bad luck due to a Catastrophe Snail that had crawled inside his ear. The snail set up shop on Billy's brain, plugging in his computer and wreaking havoc on Billy's life. The Snail got great pleasure out of this. Mandy and Grim finally lured the Snail out of Billy's head and squashed it so that Billy's bad luck disappeared.

I think a Catastrophe Snail planted itself in my head last week, and I've yet to have it removed. I woke up late twice last week on two days where it was imperative that I NOT be late. The first day was last Tuesday when my hotel room alarm clock didn't sound and I had about 25 minutes to get down to the lobby to meet my coworkers. On Thursday, I woke up at 8:58 am. I was supposed to be on a client call at 9. My supervisor wasn't happy. Late twice in one week? I am never late. This weekend I didn't really do much so the bad luck had little opportunity to occur. I was supposed to go out with the New Guy (we'll call him A), but he had to cancel on me. Then Monday night the bad luck popped up again when I accidentally found myself caught up in some drama. I let something slip out to a friend which was damaging to a few other people. Needless to say, the night was downhill from there. I found myself outside a bar getting screamed at by an ex's roommate and had to try and sort things out this morning. I don't do drama and this whole thing has been quite unpleasant. That will teach me to keep my mouth shut.

The only good thing that came out of this past week was my date with A on Wednesday night (although it was the reason I woke up late and hungover on Thursday morning). It was a great first date even though I was utterly exhausted after my business trip. He picked me up via cab (totally out of his way, but chivalry is not dead to him) and we had a romantic Mexican dinner. Then he took me to his favorite bar, a small neighborhood place where he knew everyone and showed great pride in introducing me. Somehow I agreed to going to another bar with him and our Wednesday turned into a Friday night. No complaints though - I had a terrific time with A and cannot wait to see him again.

Saturday, July 01, 2006

just asking

Have you ever seen a black minivan? Do they not exist? And why not? I've got my thoughts but I'd like to hear what other people think.

This question came up during our recent road trip to Michigan and we've yet to get a solid answer.....

Friday, June 30, 2006

the meat-loving midwest

It's been four years since I stopped eating red meat and pork, two and a half years since giving up poultry. Whenever I tell people that I don't eat meat, they ask if I find it difficult being a vegetarian (pescaterian actually since I still eat fish occasionally), but after not eating it for so long I really don't even notice. I avoid restaurants where I won't find anything veggie-friendly and I know that I have to be flexible when I'm dining with a group. I make do at work lunches where deli sandwich platters fill the conference room table. It's really not a big deal. However, I take for granted living in Chicago. It's easy to find veggie foods at most restaurants, and my neighborhood even has a few vegetarian restaurants. But when I leave the city, I realize that most of the country is pro-meat. They seem baffled by those of us who claim not to eat meat because we don't want to. The restaurants lining the highways are famous for their cheap, meaty offerings. Road trips can be especially difficult for the vegetarian when every exit showcases McDonald's, Wendy's, and Steak & Shake. Once in awhile I'll get lucky and find a Subway or even a Taco Bell.

Earlier this week I had to travel on business to Michigan. The first night my team had dinner at one of the restaurants in our hotel, a very burgers & steak sort of place. When we walked in my boss asked if I'd be cool with the choice and, after perusing the menu and finding a few things I could eat, we sat down. Upon ordering the portabello burger, I was told that it was just a mushroom and no meat. Was that okay? Yes, I told the waitress, that was exactly what I wanted. She actually confirmed that twice with me before leaving our table because other patrons have been disappointed when they order that item and find no actual burger on the bun.

The rest of the trip was more of the same. I missed out on lunch at our clients' office since it was all meaty sandwiches. I took myself to Subway a few hours later. We also had a happy hour with our clients where I indulged on the veggie tray and the fried mushrooms. I think I accidentally ate a bite of chicken only because the entire tray was full of brown, fried foods which were unidentifiable except by shape. Lunch on the road was more of the same, although we lucked out by stopping at an exit with a Quiznos.

I was happy to get back to Chicago after my two days in Kalamazoo. Veggie enchiladas, deluxe salads, veggie sandwiches....these are just a few of the non-meat meals I've had since I returned. I can stay away from just getting by ordering a side salad or a large fry at Wendy's because I have so many options. I don't think I'd survive in a town of family restaurant chains and fast food strip malls.

Sunday, June 25, 2006

Bobby Flay, stop teasing me.

I am hungry and I have very little food in my apartment. Some Froot Loops, wheat bread, cheese, and granola bars. I made the mistake of turning on Food Network where Bobby Flay is turning up the grill and making some vegetarian food.

Portobello mushrooms stacked with machengo cheese, spinach, and a sherry vinaigrette. Pizza with oregano, olive oil, Parmesan cheese, cracked red pepper, and fresh basil. Grilled apricots drizzled with chocolate sauce and almonds.

Mmmmm.....this isn't fair.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

I'm blogging from the back porch in order to enjoy the longest day of the year. It was such a treat to get out of work on time today (read: not working until after 9pm) and I celebrated by laying around on the couch reading In Style and watching tv. Until I took out the garbage and felt how the humidity had died somewhat and it was actually a very pleasant night. So now I'm outside, where the wifi signal is somewhat low, at least until I finish this post.

I haven't felt this at home in a long time. Not at my old apartment and not in my college apartment. Or even when I came home from college and lived in the house where I grew up. Honestly, I haven't felt this comfortable since my second or third semester living in my sorority house. We've lived in our apartment for three months (time is flying) and since the beginning it has felt more homey than our old digs. It's neat, relaxing, and the kind of place you want to be after working 12 hours everyday of the week. It's taken me longer to get adjusted to the new neighborhood; I haven't felt 100% comfortable here, but it's getting better. After my West Town weekend with Anne, I feel much more at home. It's difficult when the majority of my friends don't live around here, but in Lincoln Park or Lakeview (near where we used to reside). I don't regret moving here, I just wish that more of my friends were closer. But it's officially the first day of summer and I plan on taking more time to relax and enjoy myself at home (or around home) in the coming months....before it becomes too cold to consider crossing Ashland.

Sunday, June 18, 2006

weekends a go-go

My Friday off from work was timed perfectly. Somehow, I always manage to do that.

I worked like crazy Monday through Thursday. 48 hours. In four days. Tuesday was the worst at 16.5 hours. When my boss told me we would be going home close to 5 on Thursday night, I was ecstatic. Leaving that early felt like having a half day. After a few late nights in a row, I was not only exhausted, but also ready to leave the office during daylight. It had gotten to the point where I cared little about the weather because I knew it wouldn't affect me (sitting at my computer all day). Predicting rain or thunderstorms? No need to bring my umbrella - I'll most likely be expensing a cab home at 10:30 pm.

But that's all over, at least until another hellish week in August.

My mom and I planned to spend a day together on Friday and, luckily, my bosses were nice enough not to cancel it even though work was so busy. After the second late night, I really started looking forward to my Friday. Not being at work was enough to keep me happy. And getting off on time Thursday evening made it even better. I came home and napped before going to a late dinner at a new tapas restaurant in my neighborhood.

Friday was perfect. The weather was beautiful, although a bit hot. My mom and I met at 10 and walked straight to the Museum of Contemporary Art. Our primary reason for going was the Andy Warhol/Supernova exhibit (which ends Sunday), but neither of us had been to the MCA since it moved locations. There were other temporary exhibits that were just as interesting, if not more, than the one we planned to see. A photography exhibit on the first floor occupied most of time when we arrived at the MCA. I loved it, but I would have preferred to study the photos of penises without my mom at my side.

After the MCA, we had a long lunch. One of my favorite things about my mom is how we talk. We talk about any and everything, and we are constantly asking each other for advice. So lunch went long, mostly because we just needed some face time with each other. It had been over a month.

I didn't want my perfect day to end there, but I didn't have any evening plans. My roommate Anne and I ended up on the couch watching too many hours of programming on the Style network (I do not recommend this). After hour three, we determined we were better than this and vowed to have a good night out (and not on the couch). My Warhol day came full circle once we got to Sonotheque a few hours later where the theme of the night was Sono-a-gogo. Anne felt like we were at the Factory with the drinks, 60s music, go-go boots, and films on the wall. I ordered a few gin & sodas and was having a great time despite the strange Dutch man with sour breath who wouldn't leave me alone.

After go-going for awhile, we left and went another bar and then to Anne's friend's place. Drinking wine, gin, and beer had made me quite the drowsy girl and I quickly passed out. Waking around 4, I was confused and left without Anne. All the while knowing that I might have to work today.

But there was no work today. Just sun worshipping in the afternoon and random parties (rained-out Taste of Randolph, wine, pizza, & Catchphrase, and a warehouse/gallery party where the temperature was about 95 degrees and we rummaged through the messy kitchen for some booze like we were 17 again) all night. I managed to maintain my three-day weekend and have a great time being a neighborhood whore with Anne.

Photojournal to come.

Monday, June 12, 2006

the baby thing returns

I don't know if it was the marathon session of Domino's Pizza eating yesterday (mmm....555 deal is so worth it), but I had the most terrifying dream last night.

I had a baby.

I didn't actually give birth in the dream; it's just that I suddenly had an infant. That was mine. That had no father. The baby's eyes were just like mine, but there were no other defining characteristics that indicated who the dad might be. Even more frightening.

It was a realistic dream. I recall actually feeling the weight of the baby, physically and emotionally. Thoughts were running through my head about keeping my job, maintaining my social life, and finding a babysitter. I could feel my life changing drastically as this baby was thrust into my arms. In my dream, I kept walking around with the baby held close to my chest while people talked about me. There were coworkers and strangers, and I think my dad made an appearance somewhere. It just all felt so scary.

Then the baby started crying and someone told me that he/she (no sex was revealed that I can remember) must be hungry. Being the inept, dreaming mother that I was, I started to give her solid food (I think it was cereal). But then it clicked. I should be breastfeeding her. And this was all in the dream.

When I woke up, I couldn't shake the feeling of overwhelming responsibility that this baby dream brought. It's not like I'm thinking of having a child any time soon, but I know for sure after last night that I'm nowhere near prepared for one.

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

so what do you do when you can't stop thinking about someone? when he fills up spare thoughts? when you like being super occupied at work because you can't think about him? or when you wish he was curled up on the couch next to you when you come home from work and just want to relax? you see couples on the street or in restaurants, grabbing coffee or heading to the beach, and you want it to be you and him doing all these things. it hurts, all these thoughts and feelings, because you don't know if they will ever materialize. and it hurts because you can't help it; you can't stop the feelings and random acts of crying that come from thinking about him one minute too long. you're sure it would be love if it could just happen, and so you dismiss other potential possibilities because they don't measure up to whatever it is you've built inside your mind. it's not that it's fake; it's just not completely real. you're not pretending or inventing, but maybe you are making more out of what currently exists. and you can't tell him, at least not now or not yet. you want to. in fact, your mind has already imagined all the scenarios of how you'll tell him (of course, they all turn out great). but still, you wait. you let it go like it means so little to you when, in truth, it means so much.