six months later

My apartment smells like a flower shop. Random flowers my roommate picked up at Jewel yesterday, my other roommate's bouquet from her sister's wedding, and two dozen roses from my parents. Because I graduated today!

I finished my MBA back in February, but the official ceremony was today. At first I wasn't sure that I wanted to participate, but I am glad I did it. Yet another cap & gown (and gold honor cords - to toot my own horn). The one thing I wasn't looking forward to was seeing A. If you recall, he and I met just over a year ago in class. When I got the text message from him back in April that he would be at graduation, I wasn't really surprised. I knew his mom was probably making him go through it. It had been over 6 months since we'd seen each other, which is weird since I see everyone in Chicago all the time. You would have thought that our paths would have crossed at some point by now.

The minute I walked into the check-in area, I saw him. Since we were both waiting in the A-F line, we waited together and caught up. We haven't really talked over the past few months, aside from some random texts and MySpace messages. It was good to see him, especially in that context. Limited time to talk, no drinking (so no Erin being stupid). And I didn't really know anyone else at graduation so it was nice having someone to hang out with.

I did get the chance to see his girlfriend (the one he started seeing before ending things with me). And this is not meant to be a catty comment, but she. is. not. cute. Seriously. Plain. Bleh. Nothing special. Probably just a bit shorter than me, not by much. Her style, from the outfit she was wearing today, was boring. Boo. All the while I was getting compliments on my sassy shoes.

So now it's weird since I saw him and am thinking about him just because I saw him. That's what I was least looking forward to, the feeling I would have after I saw him.

I told my friends about The Friend Saturday night. I'd been keeping it a secret from everyone but those who read my blog (isn't it strange how it's totally easy to divulge personal information to complete strangers but not to your best friends?). But Saturday night was: drinks, girls night with my best friends who I hadn't gone out with in ages, more drinks, dancing, more drinks, blabbing.

I believe the confessing/explaining started when The Friend texted me for the 2nd time that night. Because I'd been drinking, my censor was off and I exclaimed to my friend Leslie that I thought The Friend had a thing for me. She knew we had hung out recently just from casual conversation, but didn't know the extent of it. Neither did my best friend/roommate. So I let them in on the dinner, the sleeping over, the Valentine's Day dinner. I told them how I was feeling strange about everything since I'm not really interested in The Friend BUT he is SO nice and such a good guy and don't I finally deserve a guy who doesn't treat me like crap? (Reference: A or FFG). Of course they both agreed, especially Leslie, that I need someone to treat me the way I deserve to be treated. But does that mean I should date The Friend? Not necessarily says my best friend Jill. So what is a girl to do? Just keep being confused.

At this point, I feel like I've totally blown The Friend off, but I haven't really. There have just been other plans or no plans/staying in, so I've gone out with him in a couple weeks. And the next 2 weekends I will be out of town/very busy so I won't have to feel confused until at least St Patrick's Day is over.

over it

I mentioned that A dumped for someone else, right?

Thanks to the power of MySpace, I've seen a photo of the new girl.

My initial reaction? Totally not what I expected. But then, I don't really know what I expected. From what he told me about his "type", she just doesn't seem to fit.

What I also learned from his profile is that he is totally cool calling this new lady his girlfriend just a month after they started dating. Part of me was upset about this at first: What was the hold-up with me? Why couldn't he do the same? But I realized this is not about me - it's about him. And it's really not important for me to care anymore.

so here's what happened

For a week I tried getting in touch with A. I heard nothing. No texts, no calls, no emails. I gave up. There was nothing else I could do.

Saturday night I came home from a Christmas party, checked my email, and saw that A had sent me a MySpace message. At the time, I was in a good mood. I hadn't been thinking about him much all day and didn't really want to make myself upset by reading whatever he had sent. So I ignored it. Until I returned to my apartment on Wednesday night. In summary, he claimed to recognize his cowardice, but he had done some thinking and reorganized things (huh? what is that supposed to mean?).

I was angry. I tried calling him after I read it but, of course, no answer. Sent a text. No response. Then, after a bit of further reading, I saw that he had told his friend Jo that "things were going really well with the new chick". Are you kidding me? Now I was pissed. I sent a snarky response to his message and called my mom. After talking to her for 2 1/2 hours, I was done being sad and upset. I got it all out on the phone with her: why I was sad, why I was frustrated, why I need new friends. I realize that this has nothing to do with me; he is just an asshole. He has an ego, and the last thing I need to do is feed it by continuing to try and get in touch with him.

What frustrates me most is thinking about what's next. I have trouble meeting guys, and don't seem to meet anyone anywhere. Before A, I hadn't really dated anyone for about 2 years. A and I met in school. Now that I am finishing school, I don't really have that as an outlet (and he was the only cute guy I ever met in class). My closest friends and roommates all have serious boyfriends, which means that they often spend their time with significant others and not going out with the girls. And their boyfriends' friends? No way. Not interested.

When I woke up this morning, I saw that A had left a comment on my MySpace page (seriously, how old is he? is this how he chooses to communicate with his friends for real?). The comment? Not so nice. Basically wondering why I had been so snarky in my response to him. I told my roommate and just got angry. I balled up my hand in a fist and tried to think of what I should do. Respond? Ignore? I chose to respond with a simple "excuse me?" since that was the first thing that popped into my head when I read his comment. I can't believe this is how he is choosing to communicate with me, rather than just getting some balls and calling me. At this point, I have nothing to say to him, and I know that nothing he says is going to make me feel any better. For some reason, he thinks it's cool for us to immediately just be friends right away. But that won't work, not right away and not given these circumstances. He still hasn't fully explained himself or apologized. He hasn't given me the respect I deserve by actually speaking to me. And he doesn't seem to get it.

done

It's over with A.

He went about things in a very mature way (message on myspace? really?). I still have yet to actually speak to him, which is starting not to bother me so much.

More later.

reaching for the kleenex...again

I think I have cried myself to sleep every night since last Wednesday. Well, give or take Friday night when I came home wasted and devoured greasy french fries, and Saturday where I spent the entire day in bed or in the bathroom regurgitating aforementioned fries. So that's still four nights' worth of crying.

It sucks. I have NO IDEA what A is doing. Where he is. Why he hasn't returned a phone call or text since we spoke late Wednesday night. Part of me is worried about him, thinking that there is something seriously wrong and that is the reason for him not getting back to me. The other part of me thinks this is somehow all my fault, that I've done something to make him not want to speak to me. I can't understand it.

And it's got me so upset.

One of the things I've learned recently is that I need some new friends. Not that the friends I currently have are bad or anything. It's just that they aren't really around for me. My roommates, which includes my BFF 4-EVA (joke, but seriously, it's been over 13 years of friendship), are never around. While they often have valid excuses for not being here, it's just made it hard when I'm upset. And seeing as I hate being emotional in front of people, it makes it that much harder to just let it all out when they are around. My other close friends are either busy like me or living out of state. As a result, I've found myself crying to no one but the mirror. Having no one to whine to or to express my utter confusion to than the small audience reading this blog. I apologize that every time you read this, I'm confused or sad about the boy. But lately I can't help. With school and work and family being crazy, having issues with him makes me want to crawl under a rock until January. And seeing as A has been one of the few people who has been there when I want to whine or complain about something, it sucks that he is totally MIA.

insecure, confused, misled - all of the above

Today was the kind of day where as soon as I got to work, all I wanted to do was go home, get in bed, and be all alone. I was slightly hungover and very tired, which explains the bed part. The all alone (and I will add wanting to just cry) was my confusion/frustration with A. There was just something in my mind all day keeping me from focusing on work; understanding the situation was all I could think about. Which is why being in my bed, alone, would have been preferable.

Not to get into to many details as I haven't really had a chance to talk to A yet, but I feel like I've been betrayed. I feel foolish. Naive. Insecure.

And this is after I thought things were going so well just 48 hours ago. You see, we didn't get to hang out all weekend because he was at his mom's house in the suburbs. But because he was bored in the 'burbs, we spent a lot of hours chatting on the phone. This is something we used to do all the time when we started dating, but haven't really done much of lately. It was nice, just talking about random things (we call these conversations "5th Grade Sleepovers" - sometimes we have them in bed). After our chat on Sunday night, I thought things were going well. We were both booked solid for the week so there was no chance we were getting together before the weekend. No sweat. We even had a cute chat via text message Wednesday night when I was out for work. I was happy.

Then I got these feelings of betrayal. This sense that something wasn't right. To make matters worse, I was drunk and it was 2am. To make it further frustrating, A hasn't returned my calls or texts today. Is it because he forgot or lost his phone or it isn't working? Or maybe he doesn't want to talk to me? But in less than 12 hours, could he have really changed his mind about me?

It hurts thinking about it; I was halfway in tears when walking home from the bus tonight (refraining from full crying because my face would probably freeze). I'm calling it a night because I've got a looooong day ahead of me tomorrow, but I'm hoping this can be resolved soon.

social networking is a curse

So I never had a problem trusting A until recently. Before, I never worried that when he wasn't with me, he was out with some other girl. I never freaked out if I didn't hear from him because I thought he was with some girl. And I never imagined what some girl would even look like. Sure, he's a good-looking guy and probably gets approached by girls at bars when he's with his friends. But I never really imagined him acting on it. Also, A was so busy with work and school during the past few months that he barely had time to see me. Therefore, he barely had time to see anyone else. Problem solved, worries averted.

Not that he has done anything. He has given me absolutely no reason for me not to trust him after five months of dating. Yet, here I am, wondering why I haven't heard from him today. It's not because I am imagining him hooking up with another girl. It's because I'm imagining him not thinking about me. (Pathetic? Yes.)

It all started when he joined MySpace. A month ago, social networking was my domain. Facebook and MySpace were all mine, and he was not part of my little online world. I could do what I wanted: post any pictures, stalk people, be my crazy social networking self. But then he joined and I got excited (at first). How fun! We could be friends for the online world to see! We could post funny messages on each other's pages!

And then, of course, the stalking began. And when I mean stalking, I mean looking at his other friends' profiles and overanalyzing wall postings and taking the whole thing way too seriously. He has many female friends. Female friends with "sexy" type profile pictures. I am a funny/wacky/stupid profile picture person. Of course, this is what I think he likes about me, but maybe I am wrong? Sexy picture girls leaving cutesy messages. Wacky picture girl (me) starts overanalyzing comments. Starts checking out Sexy pictures girls' profiles. Are they "In a relationship"? Do they have pictures with other guys and not him? Did he make their Top 8? Am I a total loser?

Seriously, just writing this makes me feel sort of foolish. But at the same time, I never really had a glimpse into his world until now. Sure, I'd met some of his friends, but it wasn't this way. I was there. I was the girl he came with, the girl he had his arm around. On MySpace, he's just A and I'm just one of his friends (but his top friend at that).

boy crazy

After three weeks of not seeing each other, I was ready to pounce on A. We made plans for Monday night (Football and dinner? was his text), but when we actually got finished with long work days, we didn't really want to do much. A was exhausted; he hadn't slept much the night before. I almost expected him to cancel our plans, and then I was slightly disappointed when he said he wanted a sort of "early" night because he was so tired. I had been looking forward to spooning with him, because that was probably what I was missing most. So I went over to his place, prepared for him to fall asleep within an hour and for me to be going home before 11.

However, my cleavage-baring shirt seemed to wake him up. (Oh, the tricks we ladies pull on our men.)

He was tired. When I got to his place, he was laying on top of his bed still in his work clothes. Once his roommate left on her date, we made our way upstairs to order food and watch tv (neither of us really wanted to go out despite the 60 degree evening we were enjoying in late November). Once we ordered falafel and couscous and schwarma, and turned on the game, he was awake. It didn't take long for me to realize that I wasn't going home anytime before dawn, and that if anyone was pouncing, it was going to be him.

We still don't sleep well together (I had his elbow in my face half of the night), but there was something about last night that restored my faith in him and put to bed (at least for a bit) those frustrations and worries that always seem to creep up sometime during the week. I'm still not 100% satisfied with the situation, more or less because I feel like it has become more work than it used to be (maybe that's what happens after 5 months?). And even though last night was lovely and he said all sorts of cutesy things, it still doesn't indicate where I stand with him. So I leave the conversation for yet another day.

going to the north country

I can't believe I haven't been on a trip anywhere since March 2005. No wonder I can't use up my vacation days (and to think, I get an extra week next year). Since most of my friends and family live in the Chicagoland area, I really have little reason to travel outside of Illinois. And I have little money to get me very far. But this weekend, I am getting away...to Minneapolis.

Sure, it might not sound like the most glamorous of destinations (especially in mid-November), but I've never been there and I have some pretty awesome friends that I want to see. I have no expectations for the weekend (I love that), because I really have no idea what my friends have planned. We could just sit around, eat and drink, and check out the city, and I would be pleased.

I could barely look forward to this trip because my week has been so chaotic. Work has consisted of back-to-back-to-back meetings and I've been overwhelmed thinking about my new position on this brand new team. It freaks me out a bit. Besides that, I've been busy with classes and frustrated with A. I haven't seen him since we went to the movies last week and I won't see him again until the weekend after Thanksgiving, at the earliest. There are a lot of things on my mind lately, things that I really think I need to get off my chest and let him know how I'm feeling. Neither of us are big talkers when it comes to this kind of stuff, but it has to be done.

He was, however, one of the somewhat bright spots of my week. After whining a bit on the phone last night to him, he suggested meeting for lunch today (seeing as there would be no other time to see each other before I left). I got excited for about five minutes, until I consulted my mental calendar and realized that, of course, I had a meeting at 2 which would conflict with our potential 1:30 lunch date.

Alas, no lunch. But I'm already thinking about how I am going to attack him when we see each other after this long hiatus.

holding my hand would have been nice

I've been unexplainably irrational lately. I pride myself on being practical, but when it comes to my love life, all rational thought disappears. Combined with potentially PMS-induced moodiness, it's becoming troublesom.....

Monday night was terrific. For our date A had chosen a cute wine bar which, when I looked it up on Metromix, had multiple reviews about its romantic setting. Perfect! Dinner was excellent. We ordered too much food (as usual) and I had one too many glasses of wine (as usual). Conversation was excellent. We ordered dessert (or rather, he ordered dessert because there was a raspberry/dark chocolate item and he knows that those are two of my favorite things in the world and even though I wasn't hungry for dessert and he doesn't really like raspberries or dark chocolate, he ordered it for us to share). After dinner, we went back to his place and watched TV before finally falling asleep some time around 3 am. It was a struggle for both of us to wake up Tuesday morning.

During dinner I mentioned that I had two free passes to a screening of Stranger Than Fiction for Tuesday night. He looked at me as if he were shocked that I hadn't already invited him. So we made plans for Tuesday night to meet after work and, again, I was really looking forward to it.

But then this is where he got weird and I started being irrational.....

The entire night - no touching, no handholding, no kissing until our goodbye. Not saying that I'm a PDA kind of girl (I'm not. I'm very non-touchy. I don't cuddle, I don't really do hugs, and kissing in public has always been awkward for me). Even so, I would have liked some showing of affection at some point during the night. It was as though we hadn't ever dated and he was a boy I liked and he was totally giving me the "let's just be friends" vibe. After the movie, we grabbed drinks and some dinner and, again, totally weird. He walked me to my bus stop, giving me a quick kiss before I boarded, and then continued walking down Chicago Avenue, checking his phone messages (I could see him from the bus).

Twenty minutes later when I stepped off the bus and started walking home, I started to feel really sad. Confused. Two nights, two completely different vibes. It's not that I started to doubt A's interest in me, but I did begin questioning where I stand with him. And this isn't really a conversation I want to have.

dinner and....

A is taking me on a date tonight.

You would think that after almost five months together, this wouldn't be so exciting. But because we've been so busy for most of those five months, real dates have been few and far between. (Don't get me wrong - cuddling on the couch for 12 hours watching football is fantastic, but sometimes a girl wants to be taken out).

I am looking so forward to this, you would think it was our first date all over again.

I'm stuffing my face and watching football. it's been the theme of the weekend. tonight, i'm consoling myself with a gigantic fudgy brownie and milk while I watch the Bears struggle against Arizona. (Rex Grossman, what are you doing?)

Yesterday, it was pure sloth. A and I didn't get out of bed all day. I didn't go further than upstairs to the kitchen to grab the leftover pizza from the night before which we ended up eating in bed. Sleep, football, sleep, football, talked to my mom, TBS, sleep, more TBS, some random late night tv, sleep. That was my Sunday.

At some point last night, I asked A if he was sick of me yet. it had been almost 36 straight hours together, just us - no one else around. No, he wasn't sick of me. And, in return, I wasn't sick of him. After drinking too much on Friday night, neither of us wanted to go out. We holed up in his apartment with movies and pizza, cuddling on the couch before moving to his bed. (Oh, I'm not supposed to tell anyone he cuddles.....he has a reputation to uphold, he says.)

We're taking things slowly, especially since both of us are so busy that we can't really get too serious now. I like the slowness, it gives me more time to fully enjoy our time together without getting too scared of what might go wrong. (And if taking it slow means spending 30+ hours in bed together, I can't complain).

Study Buddies

School has taken over my life this past term. Taking more than one class a week is proving to be far more difficult than I expected, especially since one of those courses is Finance, something I have come to despise. I think I was predisposed to hating the class since I am not a math/numbers/accounting fan, but I hate it even more because there is so much work involved and the professor is kind of a jerk. Only three weeks to go until it's over (and I probably bomb the final). I've pretty much determined that this is the term when I break my all-A streak. Oh well.

My other class isn't so bad. It's about Leadership and it's primarily discussion based. There isn't that much work to do for the course and the best part of it is A is in the class with me. He is determined to graduate at the end of this term (in four weeks) so he is taking three classes right now. I have no idea how he is doing it. (Okay, I do know. He doesn't really sleep much. He stays up late writing papers and taking quizzes and turns assignments in a few days late). But since we are both so overwhelmed with school this term, we're finding it very difficult to spend any time together (and our class doesn't count).

So we've managed to be like college kids and study together. And I think it's working. I'm the disciplined one. I sit down and focus and get my assignment done. I manage my time effectively so that I can play when the work is over. A is not quite so disciplined. He procrastinates. He half-asses his work. But he also takes time to relax and step away from school when he needs to. Our studying together is effective since I can be the good influence on him, and we know that when our work is done we can really spend time together.

This weekend was no exception. We had to complete a midterm quiz online before our class on Saturday afternoon. A and I are sharing the book for the course so we had to do the quiz together. And since he has missed a couple classes for personal reasons, I am a lot closer to the material and have all the notes. A, who was housesitting for his friend for a few days this past week, picked me up Friday night and we went back to his friend's place to start the quiz. We started the quizzes late in the night (around 11pm) and didn't finish both of them until almost 4 (with a small break in between). Housesitting meant dogsitting as well so we had to keep taking the dog out and entertaining him so he wouldn't disturb the person taking the quiz. After we finished, we refilled our wine glasses and just talked in between bites of pita chips and artichoke dip. We talked a lot, and he even brought up the fact that he wants to take things slowly. He and I agree that going too fast can make the relationship fizzle out too fast; both of us have had this happen before. But then I lost my chance. He mentioned that his friend Amy asked about us, what our status was, and that she was surprised I hadn't brought it up to A. He said he was surprised as well. It's my awkwardness, my fear, that has caused me not to say anything and I lost my chance during the conversation to really ask him because we started talking about something else and it was gone.

But I've been thinking about it a lot, about what I want A and I to be. Now that it's on the table, I'm not really afraid to bring it up again and really have the conversation.

football in bed

It was one of my laziest days in a long, long time. I did not get out of bed until 4pm. And that's after going to sleep sometime around 5:30 am. And in the words of A, sometimes you just need to be lazy.

And it's so much better being lazy with him.

He came over last night to just hang out since neither of us wanted to go out. We ordered food, watched some bad movies on Oxygen as well as a few episodes of The Cosby Show, and managed to stay up until the early morning hours talking in my bed. We haven't had a night like that....ever.

He told me stories (he has a so many) and prodded me to tell stories. I finally started talking about my family, a sore subject that I rarely discuss even with my closest friends. But I started telling him everything, albeit in the most unemotional way because I didn't want to start crying. Few people ever see me cry because I can't stand exposing my vulnerability. So the only people who see me cry are usually the people who have seen it before. And I am not ready to cry in front of A yet. So I withheld some emotion and tried to tell the story as best I could, stopping myself when I heard my voice waver on the brink of tears.

This morning, when we both semi-woke up around 11:50, we turned on the Bears game and didn't move. There would be no food, drink, or (damn) kissing today because it is the first day of Ramadan and that's what I get for dating a Muslim guy. I managed not to eat or drink anything until he left later in the afternoon, but I'd be a liar if I said the no kissing (or other inappropriate behavior) didn't bother me. I don't think I've ever felt so horny in my life.

When he did finally leave I was happy only because I had homework to do and needed to be somewhat productive with my beautiful fall day. Otherwise, my thoughts drifted to when we would get to spend time together again (damn us for both being so busy all the time), especially a time after sundown.

the uh oh factor (pt 2)

as in "uh oh, i really like A." as in, "uh oh, how do i bring up the 'where is this going' conversation?"

i didn't sleep all that well last night: woke up early and throughout the night due to snoring (his) and cramps (mine). it was the first time we'd slept together in a month and a half. and when i say sleep, i mean sleep/spoon/lay next to each other in some awkward position.

aside from the snoring, i'd missed it. we went out last night to watch some football and just be together. it was me and four of his friends so it's not like there was any alone time at the bar, but i had a great time getting to know his friends better and just hang out. it had been too damn long. as the night wore on, i was sleepy and my buzz was wearing off. i knew i wasn't going to go all the way back to my place when his was a much closer cab ride away. besides, i just wanted to sleep next to him again. it was just like i'd remembered, and it put a smile on my face on this otherwise bland tuesday.

did i mention that i am head over heels for him?

better days

all of those things that were stressing me out not too long ago? not so much of a problem.

just this week i got the promotion i've been waiting for. i couldn't believe it! although i knew it would be coming soon, i was still surprised when my boss told me. however, it's been somewhat anti-climactic. i'm not allowed to tell anyone at work yet and my friends really haven't been able to celebrate with me. bummer. i won't know what account i will be working on until everything is formally announced. now i'm just anxious for that (and the accompanying raise).

things are better with A. we talked about the fact that he was ignoring me (actually he brought it up). we're taking a class together on saturdays which sort of sucks and is sort of nice. i feel like i'm in high school again because we just sit in the back and flirt. and i make him buy me lunch during the break.

i also figured out that i can be done with my mba by february! i thought it was going to be at least april before i graduated and, to do so, i would have to pay for some of my classes (i currently attend gratis). but no reimbursement will be needed as my mom's faculty position ensures that i can take all my courses for free. this means that i will have to push myelf a bit more, but i think it's totally worth it.

otherwise, things are pretty good. work is slow and socially things have slowed down from their summer crazyness. i like knowing that i can stay in on a friday night if i really want to while not worrying about missing someone's event.

i'm hoping it's a chemical imbalance

I am in pull-my-hair-out stressed/depressed/anxious mode this week. The kind of mood where I want to cry at multiple times throughout the day for almost no reason. When all I want is to eat chocolate and have the calories disappear into thin air. When I just want my roommates to go away so I can be all by myself and mope in peace. And sleep, though it's hard to come by, is the best part of the day.

There isn't one specific cause; a number of things could be contributing to my fluctuating, often gloomy mood this week. At first I thought it was A. His say one thing/do another behavior lately has warped my mind. When I think about him, I cannot think clearly nor can I think rationally. It's driving me a bit mad. But he's not the only stressor. Work, which was insanely busy for the past 2 1/2 months, has come to an abrupt halt. I find myself ready for a lunch break at 10:30am. Just a few weeks ago, lunch was that little snack I had around 2:15. You'd think this would make me happy, but instead it's got me thinking more. And thinking more always makes me anxious. This, coupled with the fact that I am antsy about getting promoted, made each day this week (and I only have a 3-day work week) slightly painful. Or maybe it's the statistics final I have to take tonight. However, I think I am just using that as something to blame this all on. I've got a 97% in the course going into the final exam so I have little to worry about. In fact, studying has been one way of getting my mind off other bothersome things.

This morning when I stepped outside I found another possible cause - the suddenly cool, gloomy weather which started on Sunday. It's difficult to get out of bed in the morning when it's dark and rainy outside, especially when my room is almost always dark (thanks to the small space between our building and our neighbor's). Coming home from work has been wet and cold and crowded. Now that I'm not working hellishly late, I leave with everyone else. Which means everyone else is trying to get on the same train. And all of us don't fit (though there are always those individuals who insist that there is room for one last person and that one last person is them). So I've crowded myself into the el car and braced myself against a pole for the three stop (only 8 minute) ride to my hood. But once I'm off the train, it's piddle-paddle through the puddles on Division in my flip-flops, splatters of mud up and down my calves when I finally get home and try to fish my keys out of my bag without dropping my umbrella. That alone would put any reasonable person on edge.

But my favorite possible cause of this distress is the new birth control I started last week. Potential side effects include depression or sudden mood changes. Sounds about right.

chill out erin

i need to relax.

there is nothing to worry about.

he's still into me.

this is why i don't like getting involved with a guy, all these stupid worries come barreling down for no reason. i was mistaking his one text message a day (a sharp decline from the typical 4-6) for him losing interest. i don't think that's the case. i'm just looking forward to spending some quality time with him soon....

so many questions

Uh oh. I'm at the point in my relationship with A that I'm starting to wonder. Starting to have doubts. Ask questions. Feel anxious.

Not because I'm not interested. It's pretty clear that I am into him. And he knows it. All along I've been feeling the same things from him. He's honest about everything and it's been pretty obvious that he really likes me. But lately.....I haven't been so sure. Maybe it's because we didn't hang out for three weeks. I finally got to see him yesterday because I'd offered to take him out to lunch (I had the day off). Lunch was good. It was partial reassurance of what I had been doubting. But I'm still not 100% sure that something hasn't changed. I just have this odd feeling that he doesn't want to spend as much time with me as he did just a month ago. I'm trying to be as understanding as possible, knowing that he is really busy and that he just started a new job, etc. So I try to understand. But that doesn't make it any easier.