Thursday, December 07, 2006

insecure, confused, misled - all of the above

Today was the kind of day where as soon as I got to work, all I wanted to do was go home, get in bed, and be all alone. I was slightly hungover and very tired, which explains the bed part. The all alone (and I will add wanting to just cry) was my confusion/frustration with A. There was just something in my mind all day keeping me from focusing on work; understanding the situation was all I could think about. Which is why being in my bed, alone, would have been preferable.

Not to get into to many details as I haven't really had a chance to talk to A yet, but I feel like I've been betrayed. I feel foolish. Naive. Insecure.

And this is after I thought things were going so well just 48 hours ago. You see, we didn't get to hang out all weekend because he was at his mom's house in the suburbs. But because he was bored in the 'burbs, we spent a lot of hours chatting on the phone. This is something we used to do all the time when we started dating, but haven't really done much of lately. It was nice, just talking about random things (we call these conversations "5th Grade Sleepovers" - sometimes we have them in bed). After our chat on Sunday night, I thought things were going well. We were both booked solid for the week so there was no chance we were getting together before the weekend. No sweat. We even had a cute chat via text message Wednesday night when I was out for work. I was happy.

Then I got these feelings of betrayal. This sense that something wasn't right. To make matters worse, I was drunk and it was 2am. To make it further frustrating, A hasn't returned my calls or texts today. Is it because he forgot or lost his phone or it isn't working? Or maybe he doesn't want to talk to me? But in less than 12 hours, could he have really changed his mind about me?

It hurts thinking about it; I was halfway in tears when walking home from the bus tonight (refraining from full crying because my face would probably freeze). I'm calling it a night because I've got a looooong day ahead of me tomorrow, but I'm hoping this can be resolved soon.

3 comments:

Ripe for Reading said...

oh no! don't be sad. it's only been one day that he hasn't been in touch and there could be a very good reason for that. hang in there! i'm sure you'll get to the bottom of it.

Clink said...

(I just left a comment but it didn't show up. Here's round two.)

Erin, reading about your relationship with A is like reading about my relationship with my boyfriend during the early months. So similar it's scary. The truth is, I would be caught in the exact same limbo that you're currently in - not thinking something was right, feeling that he didn't want to be with me anymore, etc. However, a lot of my gut instints turned out to be wrong. So, while I don't have all the details, I will say that you will probably feel better once you talk to him. I'm fairly certain of it. Until you have solid proof that he has betrayed or duped you, give him the benefit of the doubt. He sounds like a good guy.

The beginning of relationships are, unfortunately, rocky as hell.

Chin up.

Bev said...

Ugh. I will never understand guys. One minute they're all over you, calling/texting you up a storm, and the next they're MIA. What the hell?