you choo-choo-choose me?

Flowers? Nope. Candy? Just whatever my coworkers gave me. Sexy evening plans? Nope. Do I care? Nope.

I'm not a Valentine's Day person, nor do I ever think I will be. I'm in the camp that believes this is a fake holiday dreamed up by marketing professionals looking to make some money on cards, flowers, chocolate, jewelry, and whatever else we are "supposed" to buy for our significant other.
So far, I've celebrated VDay loving myself, indulging in the things I love and not getting down on myself about anything. My new office has a lovely view of the Chicago River and, after the snow stopped falling this morning, I got to enjoy a beautifully sunny afternoon. I'm wearing one of my favorite outfits - all black from head to heels. On my feet are my ab fab favorite shoes, a pair of shiny green patent leather stilettos. They'd look like stripper shoes if I wasn't wearing them with black dress pants. I went to the gym this morning, even after completing yet another snowy hike through my neighborhood to the El stop.

Now, as the workday comes to a close, I reach a dilemma. Or maybe it's not a dilemma, but a problem. A sticky situation, perhaps. Ideally, I would leave work and go to my empty apartment (the benefit of having roommates with serious boyfriends and, therefore, VDay plans). I would lounge around, eat, and probably watch a movie or some generally bad television. Finally, around 10pm, I'd get into bed with my new issue of Real Simple and read until I was tired.

But....I've got plans.

Remember how I told you about my guy friend and the potential awkwardness? Yep, it's gotten more awkward. Emails and phone calls from him during the week last week. We made plans to hang out Saturday night at a party at a bar (happened to be A's favorite bar - lucky he wasn't there). After the drink special ended, we wound up just going to his place to hang out and have some beers. Nothing more. Being late, cold, and at least an $11 cab ride from my place, he suggested I just crash there and he would drive me home the next morning. I was game (although slightly skeptical). I slept in sweats and kept my distance when I crawled into bed. Nothing happened. Totally platonic sleepover. The next day I ended up hanging out at his place all day. By the time we woke up with our mini-hangovers, we didn't want to do anything except watch college basketball or anything else we found on TV. Before I knew it, it was 10:30 and the Grammys were over. Oops. The Friend drove me home and, as we got to my place, asked what I was doing Wednesday night (notice the lack of holiday mention).

At the time I thought it would be nice to have plans for VDay. I didn't want to spend it alone. But as the reality of what this might indicate to him sunk in, I began regretting my decision. Stupid Erin.

So now we've got plans to hang out, most likely just at his place (he offered to make me dinner since reservations and weather make going out a bit tricky). And while I appreciate all of this, I'm nervous as hell about what he is thinking and where this evening might go.

this time of year

What a way to start 2007: an eleven-hour workday. I just knew before I went to sleep last night that today was going to be one of those Tuesdays. Work, while usually slow this time of year, is absolutely nuts. So much to do, so many little pieces to keep track of, and so many emails/conference calls/spreadsheets. After finishing my vacation, I already need another one.

But I like the beginning of a new year, the way you feel like you can wipe the slate clean and start fresh. And seeing how the end of 06 went, I am definitely in the market for a new slate.

If there is anything that I do hate this time of year, it's NY Eve. Surprisingly, this one was pretty decent. The bar we went to was a blast. The drinks and food were incredible for the price. And our tables were in the best location at the bar. But there was no kiss at midnight, and that was right around the time I got sad. Since things ended with A, I hadn't really been out around couples (except my roommate and her bf). As we got closer to 12, I started wondering what he was doing and where he was celebrating (and with whom, of course). When the clock struck and the partygoers locked lips, I thought about how great it would have been to have spent New Year's with him. I ended up calling it a night rather early because 1) I was just ready to go home and 2) I wanted to be able to be sad and not ruin everyone else's night. A few times in the night, people came up to me and reminded me to smile. Of course, those were the moments when I had A on the brain. Most of the night, though, I was shaking my booty and having a blast.

24 days left

Every year I say the same thing: I don't like Christmas. And every year I get called Grinch or Scrooge or whatever.

This year is no different. But I am trying to be a little more open to the idea of liking the holiday season. I try not to cringe when I hear White Christmas or Jingle Bell Rock for the 12th time. I'm getting excited about my long list of upcoming holiday parties and trying to decide what appetizers to make for our own party in a few weeks. I'm not thinking about gifts or the bad stuff about being at home on the holidays; I'm trying to focus on the good. The focus shouldn't be on the obligations and feeling like you have to get into the spirit. Some of us just don't. And I shouldn't feel forced into going anywhere or doing anything I don't really want to do. I'll like Christmas and holiday cheer when I feel like it, and be a Scrooge when I feel like it, too.

Tonight, after class and a very long day, I rode home on the Christmas Bus. I'm not joking. I had just read about this bus earlier today on CTA Tattler and, surprise, it pulled up after I had stood freezing on Madison for 10 minutes. The bus is completely decorated in Christmas stuff: candy cane lights, presents, flashing lights. Holiday music plays over the PA system. Even I smiled when I got on. I kept my headphones off so I could just enjoy the ride, something that I never do on the bus. Usually, there are some weird people and annoying phone conversations. But tonight, it was like riding on the Polar Express (actually, I didn't see the movie but I am imagining maybe it was like this). It put me in a good mood on an otherwise crappy day.

they start earlier every year

Upon going to grab my morning coffee at 8, I was greeted with the most unpleasant site.

Holiday cups at Starbucks already?!?

It's November 9th!

And my friends wonder why I'm such a Scrooge...let's start celebrating the Christmas holiday slightly closer to its actual date. Maybe I would like it a bit more.

Stay with me/Let lovin' start

I've renamed today Singles Awareness Day. Actually, I think I stole this from the comment section in another blog, but it fits. I was sitting on the bus, coming home from class tonight and just couldn't help but notice all the couples. Now there probably weren't any more twosomes on the CTA today than yesterday, but today I was AWARE of them. I was watching them. Observing them. Actually, I was doing this all afternoon.

This year Valentine's Day snuck up on me. I kinda forgot about it for a few reasons. First, I have been so busy with work and school and other activities that I didn't really notice. Secondly, I had plans for the day which were not centered around the holiday. Third, I don't have a valentine. I felt fortunate to be out of the office today because, and this probably stems from adolescence, but I don't like being at work on this day. Why? Well, I start overhearing my coworkers' Valentine's plans. I see flowers delivered to their desk. I eat too much candy. And I generally feel pretty down on myself. I start remembering junior high (ewww) and high school. Those were some pathetic Valentine's Days. Students delivered roses or candy during class periods. I never got any unless a friend and I sent them to each other. Girls swooned at their lockers when they opened the present from their 16-year-old boyfriend. And as crappy as the gifts usually were, I still wanted one.

I don't think I ever liked this day. I can't remember a time when I was excited for Valentine's Day. Because I've NEVER had a boyfriend on Valentine's Day. I've never been dating anyone at this time of year. And so I've never had any expectations for February 14th (aside from the abnormally high proportion of individuals who will be wearing red clothing).

So tonight, on the crowded bus, I almost lost it. I felt the tears stuck in my eyes, just at the verge of slipping out and down my cheek. Perhaps it was The Thompson Twins on my iPod ("Hold Me Now" always gets me). Perhaps it's because I am in love with someone who doesn't reciprocate those feelings. But lately (not only today) I've realized that I'm not happy. Something's missing and I just feel alone.

In case you didn't know

Not everyone likes Valentine's Day.

Can I just sleep through midnight?

New Year's Eve is at the top of my Overrated list. Every year, I become concerned about what I will be doing in the hours leading up to midnight, and every year whatever plans I've made turn out to be pathetic. This year was no different. My roommates didn't want to think about plans and were just waiting for some cheap (aka free) option to drop into their laps. I had an offer for a party at a Lincoln Park bar, $80 for food, drink, and some music. One of FFG's roommates was organizing a large group to go to the bar. And I thought, why not? I didn't know what my roommates were planning and was afraid they might want to go to Indy (god forbid). The day after I committed my credit card to the bar, Jill told me her boyfriend was planning on having a party. Damn! This meant that they would not be joining me at the bar and I would not be able to convince them to do so. Also meaning that I was basically going to a NYE party by myself where I knew FFG would be.

I didn't really want to go to Jill's boyfriend's party, but the options were limited. I saw myself showing up at the bar feeling awkwardly alone and paying way too much attention to FFG. What if is quasi-girlfriend was there too? Even worse, I'd be trying to pretend it didn't bother me while I got hammered with fellow alums that I didn't even like. So I called the bar, got a refund, and am going to the low key party. I'm happy with this decision and proud that I am not following FFG around. I'm trying to keep my distance from him, at least when possible. And since I haven't talked to him or seen him since our early morning encounter on the bus, I'm doing pretty well. The last thing I need to do is get drunk and worry about who I'm going to kiss at midnight with him around.

This is like an early start on my Resolutions.