disconnected

Oh dear. I am freaking out and doing everything in a frenzy as I get ready to leave the office. Why? Because I am about to go home for 3 days, a place where there is a sketchy internet connection and no cable.

This is not easy for a media girl like me to digest. I'm used to hundreds of channels, VOD, Tivo, and wireless internet. Yes, I am bringing my laptop home to get some schoolwork done, but I will most likely be making a trip to Panera or Starbucks for Wi-Fi (probably Panera - it's free).

So I'm trying to do everything online that I possibly can right now, knowing that I won't be able to hop on whenever I need to until sometime on Saturday. And this is a perfect excuse for why I will need to return ASAP.

Happy Thanksgiving!

thanks grandma

My grandma has a way of making me feel like a rejected 7th grader whenever I talk to her. I called my grandparents yesterday to wish my grandfather a happy 75th (apparently I have young g-parents). After speaking with Opa about their recent trip to Nashville, he put Oma on the phone. As usual, the first thing out of her mouth was, "Do you have a boyfriend?"

Most of my friends have heard the stories about Oma and how she picks on me for not being attached. She was married by age 21. And then she had a son soon after. She also fled Germany with her future husband following WW2. These were different times, I remind her. I only graduated college at 22. And I'm only 24. I've been at my job less than two years. The last thing on my mind is starting a family. There is no way I am ready for that.

It's hard for her to understand, I think, just as it is hard for me to imagine what her life was like when she arrived in Canada barely speaking English. It's also hard for her to understand seeing as some of her friends have great-grandchildren. And she wants some too. But would she rather have a granddaughter who finished college, is currently enrolled in an MBA program while also working in her desired field OR a granddaughter who maybe didn't do all that but has a child already?

Children aside, Oma wants me to have a boyfriend. She told me last night that she could not have lived without a man at age 20. I thought of a variety of ways to respond to this, but said nothing. I am nothing like my grandmother. I don't ever want to feel like I cannot live without a man. Living without the person I love is one thing; not having a man around is quite another. I get by very well, thank you.

And even though she says she's just kidding around, her words always get to me. No matter how many times I have this conversation with her, I leave feeling like there's something wrong with me. On top of all this, the Nice Guy has totally pulled the Stop Calling And She'll Get the Hint trick and, well, stopped calling. Huh.

In spite of all this, I'll give you my list of 5 for today:

1. I make people earn my trust.
2. I approach problems with enthusiasm.
3. I try to make the most out of every day.
4. I'm punctual.
5. I have a beautiful smile.

Home

This was one of the only times I've gone home and didn't mind being there. I would have stayed another day or two if I hadn't planned on coming back this evening. But when I packed my bag on Saturday morning, I assumed I would be ready to leave within four days. I usually am.

My parents have been "having problems" since 1997. Eight, almost nine years. That time has changed me; I've become harder, more cynical, and more fearful of my own future. I've grown cooler toward my father, once the man I so longed to be near at all times. My mother and I have grown close, sometimes so close that she relies on me as a confidante in matters that should not concern a daughter.

According to my grandmother recently, I was "born old". I think most only children grow up quickly. You find yourself among adults often, mimicking them and putting on so that you might appear to be one of them sooner than you should. You may become close to one or both of your parents since they have no other children on whom they can depend. You have to be responsible because there is no older sibling there to look after you and no one younger for you to place blame. And when your parents fight, you are stuck in the middle. The child becomes the messenger, shuttling questions or demands between mother and father. You become an ally to one parent, and you are then used in negotiations and power plays. Or you find yourself drifting to one parent's side because it looks like the "right" place to be.

Having problems at home changed my attitude about being there. I was more reluctant to have friends over at our house during high school and college. Few of my college friends have even been to my house. And only a handful of my closest friends really understand what is going on between my parents. Sometimes I am embarrassed. Or angry. Or jealous of my friends' parents. It has made me not want to go home, to stay in my sorority house or at my apartment rather than visit my parents. People tend to see me as someone who dislikes or doesn't believe in the meaning of family. Holidays are not anticipated. Because I don't elaborate, my friends just think I'm a Scrooge.

I wish that I could look forward to visits home or Christmas at my grandparents' house. I wish I could feel the same adoration for my father that I did as a child. I wish that my mom didn't turn to me for guidance. But as I get older and these problems evolve instead of disappear, I've managed to make the best of it. I enjoyed my time at home this year because I didn't let myself worry or become sad over how strange the situation is. Instead, I spent hours baking with my mom on Saturday and laughing with my family on Sunday. I went to the movies twice with my mom and, as the only grandchild on my mom's side, I made sure to spend time with my grandma.

I kept feeling myself get emotional this weekend, tears welling up at unexpected times. Some of these feeling probably have nothing to do with my family, but I'm confident that some of the tears meant that I was just happy to have them around.