i'm hoping it's a chemical imbalance

I am in pull-my-hair-out stressed/depressed/anxious mode this week. The kind of mood where I want to cry at multiple times throughout the day for almost no reason. When all I want is to eat chocolate and have the calories disappear into thin air. When I just want my roommates to go away so I can be all by myself and mope in peace. And sleep, though it's hard to come by, is the best part of the day.

There isn't one specific cause; a number of things could be contributing to my fluctuating, often gloomy mood this week. At first I thought it was A. His say one thing/do another behavior lately has warped my mind. When I think about him, I cannot think clearly nor can I think rationally. It's driving me a bit mad. But he's not the only stressor. Work, which was insanely busy for the past 2 1/2 months, has come to an abrupt halt. I find myself ready for a lunch break at 10:30am. Just a few weeks ago, lunch was that little snack I had around 2:15. You'd think this would make me happy, but instead it's got me thinking more. And thinking more always makes me anxious. This, coupled with the fact that I am antsy about getting promoted, made each day this week (and I only have a 3-day work week) slightly painful. Or maybe it's the statistics final I have to take tonight. However, I think I am just using that as something to blame this all on. I've got a 97% in the course going into the final exam so I have little to worry about. In fact, studying has been one way of getting my mind off other bothersome things.

This morning when I stepped outside I found another possible cause - the suddenly cool, gloomy weather which started on Sunday. It's difficult to get out of bed in the morning when it's dark and rainy outside, especially when my room is almost always dark (thanks to the small space between our building and our neighbor's). Coming home from work has been wet and cold and crowded. Now that I'm not working hellishly late, I leave with everyone else. Which means everyone else is trying to get on the same train. And all of us don't fit (though there are always those individuals who insist that there is room for one last person and that one last person is them). So I've crowded myself into the el car and braced myself against a pole for the three stop (only 8 minute) ride to my hood. But once I'm off the train, it's piddle-paddle through the puddles on Division in my flip-flops, splatters of mud up and down my calves when I finally get home and try to fish my keys out of my bag without dropping my umbrella. That alone would put any reasonable person on edge.

But my favorite possible cause of this distress is the new birth control I started last week. Potential side effects include depression or sudden mood changes. Sounds about right.

chill out erin

i need to relax.

there is nothing to worry about.

he's still into me.

this is why i don't like getting involved with a guy, all these stupid worries come barreling down for no reason. i was mistaking his one text message a day (a sharp decline from the typical 4-6) for him losing interest. i don't think that's the case. i'm just looking forward to spending some quality time with him soon....

so many questions

Uh oh. I'm at the point in my relationship with A that I'm starting to wonder. Starting to have doubts. Ask questions. Feel anxious.

Not because I'm not interested. It's pretty clear that I am into him. And he knows it. All along I've been feeling the same things from him. He's honest about everything and it's been pretty obvious that he really likes me. But lately.....I haven't been so sure. Maybe it's because we didn't hang out for three weeks. I finally got to see him yesterday because I'd offered to take him out to lunch (I had the day off). Lunch was good. It was partial reassurance of what I had been doubting. But I'm still not 100% sure that something hasn't changed. I just have this odd feeling that he doesn't want to spend as much time with me as he did just a month ago. I'm trying to be as understanding as possible, knowing that he is really busy and that he just started a new job, etc. So I try to understand. But that doesn't make it any easier.

just frustrated, that's all

I haven't seen in A in over two weeks. This is when I start to doubt everything. This is when I get a little freaked out. And this is why I get scared when I start to really like someone. Because, inevitably, there will be these feelings of doubt. The feelings that tell me he's no longer interested. That he no longer wants to hang out with me in his bed all day on Sunday. That those wishes to treat me to a lovely dinner were nothing more than empty promises.

I don't really believe this. I don't think he isn't interested. I think we are both insanely busy. I think we are both very loyal to our friends and understand that they often come first. And because we haven't had the whole boyfriend/girlfriend discussion yet, there is no reason to get all bent out of shape. But it doesn't change the fact that I really want to see him. That it has been far too long and I am getting anxious. Especially after Friday night, a night where for 7 hours we sent each other text messages trying to meet up and both of us ending up at home, alone.

So I want to see him. I want to just hang out, the two of us. And it shouldn't have to be this massive effort. Unfortunately, due to our schedules, it often is.

musical meme

What's a great late night song?
if i'm out at a bar - any 80s hair band rock or captain & tenille

Name 5-10 wistful/bittersweet songs:
Wild Horses - Rolling Stones
I've Been Loving You Too Long - Otis Redding
Hold Me Now - Thompson Twins
Saturday Sun - Nick Drake
Letter to Elise - The Cure


The 4 Best Songs Ever Written:
Astral Weeks - Van Morrison
God Only Knows - Beach Boys
I Believe - Stevie Wonder


Current Favorite Songs:
Transatlanticism - Death Cab for Cutie
SexyBack - Justin Timberlake
Brighter Than Sunshine - Aqualung
Moonlight Mile - Rolling Stones


3 All Time Faves That Never Get Old To You:
Mo Money Mo Problems - Notorious BIG
Sympathy for the Devil - Rolling Stones
Rapture - Blondie

Song You Want (or did) To Play At Your Wedding:
Into the Mystic - Van Morrison


Song You Want to Play At Your Funeral:
no idea

4 Records You Really Dug from 2005
Late Registration - Kanye West
Plans - Death Cab for Cutie
I Am a Bird Now - Antony & the Johnsons

Favorite Records From This Year So Far:
apparently all of my albums are pre-06.....but I am going to add some 05 that I bought this year
Multiply - Jamie Lidell
Speak for Yourself - Imogen Heap

Good Angry Songs:
Fuck Tha Police - NWA
You Oughta Know - Alanis Morissette

One of Your Favorite Lyrics:
I remember thinking
I'll go on forever only know I'll see you again
But I know
the touch of you is hard to remember
But like that touch I know no other
and for sure we'll dance in the risk of each other
would you like to dance around the world with me


Cover Songs Arguably Better Than the Original:
Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds - Elton John
Fly Me to the Moon - Astrud Gilberto
This Woman's Work - Maxwell
Not Fade Away - Rolling Stones

Ironic Song to Brutally Murder Someone to in a movie:
Yesterday - The Beatles

Great Dance Song You Maybe Never Realized Was a Great Dance song Back in the Day:
Blue Monday - New Order (i was just too young to appreciate it)

Good Albums To Workout To:
Speakerboxx/The Love Below - Outkast
Franz Ferdinand - Franz Ferdinand
The Immaculate Collection - Madonna

Good Album to Clean The House To:
I grew up listening to the Best of Earth Wind & Fire whenever we cleaned

Good Dining Music:
Sinatra, Martin, or any of the Great American Songbook

Good Album To Have Sex To:
hmmm not Coldplay. I've tried that.

A Good Album To Put You In the Mood (that is NOT Sade, Marvin Gaye or Barry White):
this is strange, but Sticky Fingers by the Rolling Stones (I think it's just the name....and the opening of Can't You Hear Me Knocking)


Good Album To Sleep To:
Cosmic Game - Thievery Corporation
Pink Moon - Nick Drake

Good Rock Songs That You Can Dance To: (not necessarily good songs....but you can dance to em)
Beautiful People - Marilyn Manson
Are You Gonna Go My Way - Lenny Kravitz
Nookie - Limp Bizkit


Song That Is Too Damn Sad:
Hope There's Someone - Antony & the Johnsons
What Sarah Said - Death Cab for Cutie

Great Love Song:
Have I Told You Lately - Van Morrison

An Album Full of Tenderness:
any Otis Redding

Song To An Ex That Isn't Meanspirited:
Ex Factor - Lauryn Hill

Song To An Ex That Is Kinda Meanspirited:
Walking on Broken Glass - Annie Lennox
Song for the Dumped - Ben Folds Five (obvious, I know, but I love it)

Song to Listen to While in The Country Looking at Stars:
I just think of Dave Matthews or John Mellancamp


Song To Cry In Your Pillow to:
Hold Me Now - Thompson Twins

Songs That Make You Feel Amped and Inspired:
Walking on Sunshine - Katrina & the Waves

Great Semi-Obscure B-side:
She Smiled Sweetly - Rolling Stones

Song That Makes You Miss Your Mom:
Anything from Tapestry - Carole King

That's Baby Makin' Music (No, Really):
How Does It Feel - D'Angelo

Criminally Underrated Band That Didn't Get Attention and Then Broke Up:
Ben Folds Five - I looooved them in high school

Best Fuck You I Am a Teenager in Pain Song:
Fight For Your Right - Beastie Boys

Feel No Shame: Great Current Pop Songs:
Promiscuous - Nelly Furtado
SexyBack - Justin Timberlake
Do It To It - Cherish
SOS - Rihanna

Album No One Would Expect You To Love:
Bob Seger's Greatest Hits

Album No One Would Expect You To Dislike:
I own Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers Greatest Hits, but I don't think I really like Tom Petty very much. And people would probably think I liked him. Maybe?

Album No One Would Expect You To Really Know:
Deja Vu - Crosby, Stills, Nash, & Young

Emo Album You Actually Like:
I don't think I really like any Emo bands.

Good, But Overrated Cause Of Indie Revisionism:
no understand

5 Desert Island Discs off the top of your head (30 sec clock):
Forty Licks - Rolling Stones
Whatever and Ever Amen - Ben Folds Five
The Immaculate Collection - Madonna
Astral Weeks - Van Morrison

3 Contemporary Artists That Were Your Faves 10 Years Ago:
I was 14. I was listening to a lot of crap. And to Alanis Morissette and DMB.

Music That Makes You Feel Sophisticated:
Astrud Gilberto & Stan Getz


Fave Electronic Record You Own:
Multiply (Jamie Lidell) or The Cosmic Game (Thievery Corporation)

Fave Hip-Hop Record You Own:
College Dropout - Kanye West

Hip-Hop Song You Know All the Lyrics Too:
too many. favorite to sing along with - People Everyday by Arrested Development

Random Album You Loved In High School But Are Afraid To Admit It:
SpiceWorld


Album You May Have Listened To More In Highschool than Any Other Album:
anything by Dave Matthews Band....i was obsessed

If You Could Enter A Wrestling Ring to a Song It Would Be:
Honky Tonk Women - The Rolling Stones
(actually this is the song that i would choose for when i was up to bat in a baseball game)

Album To Clear A Room With:
any boy band

a year's worth of posting

Happy 1st anniversary to my blog!

(I'd write more but I'm drinking chardonnay with my roommate and watching the wedding equivalent of america's funniest home videos.)

random rules

i visit the onion's av club once in awhile, but i didn't know about its random rules feature. basically, they ask the interviewee to set their ipod to shuffle (no skipping allowed), and see what the first 10 songs are. so i am trying this myself, knowing that i can risk quite a bit of embarrassment by displaying a few not so cool tracks that live on my ipod. please note that i have not taken time recently to clean off my ipod (meaning that i haven't deleted some songs that i don't really want on there but somehow managed to get uploaded one day.

(thanks to dan who first blogged about this.)

Down The Road Apiece - The Rolling Stones
Not surprising that the Stones came up as they are my favorite band and probably the most frequently played artist on shuffle. This is a track from The Rolling Stones, Now!, an album from the early 1960s that is heavily influenced by American Rock & Roll and the blues. And this is a great track that I don't listen to enough.

Saturday Night's Alright for Fighting - Elton John
I love Elton John. This is one of those songs that I can sing along to and get into a good mood. And this also pops up on my workout mix, I think. It makes me want to punch someone, but in a good way.

Hold My Hand - Hootie & the Blowfish
First embarrassing track. I don't really like Hootie, but this is a fun song to sing along to in the car with friends. Reminds me of junior high.

All By Myself - Jamie O'Neal
This version is from the Bridget Jones Diary soundtrack and is the kind of song I like to listen to when I am lonely or sad. It's totally cheesy, but that's the kind of crap you want to hear when you're sad, especially over a boy.

I Can Tell - 504 Boyz
Very embarrassing. This reminds me of going to frat parties during my freshman year of college. Which is probably when it got downloaded to my computer and added to some sort of freshman year mix cd. Remember mix cds? I miss those.

Let's Wait a While - Janet Jackson
Janet was my first real concert. Rhythm Nation Tour. I like a lot of her songs, but this is one I typically skip over.

The Name of the Game - ABBA
Similar to the Janet comment, I like ABBA (who doesn't?) but this is one song I have probably never listened to the whole way through.

Somebody Told Me - The Killers
I tried to get into this band last year when they became super popular, but it didn't really happen. This song is okay. I like listening to it when I work out because of the tempo.

Livin' on the Edge - Aerosmith
Get a Grip was the first CD I ever owned. I got it for Christmas with my CD player-boom box (which is going on 10 years old and I currently have in my bedroom).

Man is the Baby - Antony & the Johnsons
Maybe I can redeem myself with this last track. Max introduced me to this band this past winter and the lyrics and vocals on each track of this album (I Am A Bird Now) are so heartbreakingly beautiful. Sometimes I cry when I listen to this album. Sometimes I am in the mood to cry so I turn on this album. This isn't one of my favorites though - I am quite fond of "You Are My Sister".

sunday funday

last thing you burned while cooking?
i don't think i've burned anything in a really long time. maybe overcooked a quesadilla or two.

describe yourself in 3 words?
witty, introverted, disciplined

how long does it take you to get ready for your day?
about 30 minutes

are you a health freak?
aside from not eating meat...no.

how many people have thought you were the one?
none that i know of

what turns you off about the opposite sex?
too much testosterone, whistling/catcalling/honking at beautiful women passing by, fighting

what kind of car do you drive?
i take the cta

favourite thing to toast to?
the future

what celebrity would you have coffee with?
Woody Allen

what celebrity would you not have sex with?
Carrot Top

what is the main ringtone on your cell?
vibrate - i hate the ring tones

what were you doing at midnight last night?
watching American Psycho. Christian Bale = super hot and scary.

last tv show you watched?
Entourage

who is your best friend?
jillian and leslie

who in your family do you get along with?
my mom, my aunt joyce

what is your top 5 hollywood hottie list?
adam brody, joaquin phoenix, matthew mcconaughey, christian bale, robert downey jr

who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone?
A, the new man in my life

when/where was the last place you traveled?
does my biz trip to battle creek, michigan count? this is exactly why i need to go on a vacation. soon.

how many times have you been in love?
a handful - it scares the shit out of me

how old will you be in 10 years?
34

what did the last text message you received on your cell say?
"Boo. But me too."

what is a saying you say a lot?
wtf. what the eff? effing.....

sinful snacking weakness?
ice cream, cookies, and milkshakes

best clothing style?
not sure i understand the question

ever run out of gas?
there were a few times in college when i came pretty close

ever been to europe?
Yes- France, twice.

worst date ever?
i don't think i have been on any horrible dates. just awkward, no good dates when you know that you are never going to speak to this person again.

personal records?
again, what is the question?

what would you do if you could be the opposite sex for a day?
pee. get a boner. try out guy talk in a sports bar and be all manly/fratty.

total jail time?
never

have a crush on anyone you work with?
i did a few months ago. we no longer work together, which is a plus.

in your cd player right now?
Kanye West - Late Registration. Although I don't really use my cd player.

what is something you believe in?
my friends

what is something you fear?
dying. being lonely. getting old.

big or small?
no understand question

worst physical pain you ever experienced?
i think i've been pretty lucky. can't think of the absolute worst. although when i had a stomach virus in may, i could barely stand. or sit. i could only lay down. and that was awful. (there were additional symptoms that made this pain even worse).

tell us something about your childhood?
although i was really happy being an only child, there were many times when i got lonely being the only kid around and would have really loved having a brother or sister.

best time to catch you in a good mood?
mid-afternoon.

if you could be anything for a day, what would it be?
a woman who lunches. seriously.

most prized possession?
my laptop

would you ever sell it?
not unless i got a new one

what is one of your pet peeves?
not closing doors/drawers/cabinets when done opening them, leaving lights on after you exit a room, poor spelling, talking during a movie in a movie theater

favourite actor/actress
Diane Keaton/Robert Downey Jr

what song are you listening to right now?
Apologies - James Figurine

if you could sucker punch someone right now who would it be?
oh wow, i have no idea.

any secrets?
not that i'm telling you

unhealthy addictions?
my daily coffee fix, milkshakes

unhealthy fascinations?
not lately

favourite sexual position?
i'd prefer not to get so personal :)

what do you notice first about the opposite sex?
hair, eyes, smile, height

favourite physical part of the opposite sex?
back and mouth

what physical part would you change about yourself?
i hate my knees. but i think i would change my hips/gluteal area.

soft sensual sex or porn star sex?
depends

would you go on a date with someone you met online?
i've done it

work attire?
depends on my mood. sometimes i actually try to dress & impress, other days it's jeans and flip flops. actually it's flip flops most days.

what is your best physical feature?
eyes

do you think anyone actually has read this far?
maybe one or two people

(thanks ms. sizzle for giving me something to post...)

my kind of weekend

i've been looking forward to tonight since monday. no exaggerating. the moment i knew i was going to be home alone this weekend, without any other friends (or A) in town, I got slightly sad then really excited. after three busy weekends in a row, i was really looking forward to a few days of absolutely no plans or obligations. i could do whatever i wanted. what made it especially enticing was the long work week i had. i didn't come home before 8:45 once this week. i barely worked out this week since i was so tired every morning. thursday i dragged myself out for a short run in the neighborhood. but even my favorite friday morning yoga class couldn't get me up this morning.

my plan for tonight was crashing on my couch the moment i got home from work. fortunately, i was able to leave right at 5 tonight. stopped off at the convenience store near my place on the way home, grabbed a bottle of wine (which i plan on finishing by myself tonight), watched cartoons on demand, made dinner, watched mr. & mrs. smith, and now i am getting drunk watching bad music videos. and i couldn't be happier doing anything else.

tomorrow? sunday? no idea. i've got running, laundry, groceries, and possibly a solo trip to the movies (it's been four months since i've gone to see a movie.....it's time). and i know sunday evening is going to come way too fast.

lolla photos

just a few of the photos from this past weekend.

Common

Kanye

what a beautiful place for lollapalooza

my dirty feet sunday night

three days of heat, beats, and dirty feet

lollapalooza is better than christmas.

that was our motto this past weekend as we walked and rocked around grant park. i didn't make it to the concert last summer (i sold my ticket at the last minute), but i am so glad i made the decision to buy one for this year's fest. the lineup was diverse and exciting and almost too jammed with great artists. in fact, i think the biggest complaint from concertgoers was the distance between the two stage areas. with large crowds, it took awhile to get from one end to the other which was frustrating when trying to see bands playing in either area. and because there were so many acts i wanted to see, i had to sacrifice seeing a few to catch others.

complaints aside, it was an amazing weekend. there was good music all around, abundant people watching, and it couldn't have been in a better location. i can only hope that perry ferrell is in love with chicago and keeps the festival here for years to come. i take it for granted that i live just a short train ride from the park.

what i liked best about this festival was that i got to bands i would have never seen otherwise. i coughed up $145 in april for those acts that i knew. but there were plenty of others that i had barely (or never) heard of. i think that's what i liked best about friday; spending most of the day alone allowed me to just enjoy the music around me. saturday i was focused on the evening's lineup of chicago natives common & kanye west so my day was centered around getting a good spot for those two shows. sunday was probably the most relaxed day of all until the melee that was red hot chili peppers.

i regret not seeing panic! at the disco, the raconteurs, the flaming lips, thievery corporation, or of montreal. but no regrets for missing some of those acts because i was standing & waiting near the at&t stage for common and kanye. that last set made my entire weekend. i wish i had seen more of the go team as well. i caught the end of their set and they were so high energy that the entire crowd was bouncing. i haven't seen that since the kelly clarkson concert i attended a few weeks ago (don't ask). best surprise of the weekend goes to mates of state who were incredible. they drew a rather large crowd and everyone was bopping along to their poppy/synth beats. andrew bird and ben kweller are two other artists i would like to get to know better - i saw parts of both sets and really enjoyed them.

all in all i saw aqualung, ohmega watts, stars, mates of state, secret machines, my morning jacket, sleater-kinney, death cab for cutie, the go team, built to spill, calexico, gnarls barkley, common, kanye west, ben kweller, andrew bird, the shins, wilco, and the red hot chili peppers.

quickie

I know, I know. I haven't been blogging. I apologize. But I haven't had a lot to write and, if I did write, I don't want to bore you with my gushing.

Because I am crazy about A. And he is obviously crazy about me. I just hung out with him for a few hours after class and I am still smiling. He is so honest about how he feels - it's fantastic. I find myself being relatively open with him too, even though (as we discussed tonight) I don't let people in very easily. He met more of my friends last weekend. I met more of his friends soon after that. We passed each other's tests. Our friends are fond of us. My friend Leslie was impressed with the chemistry between A and I, as well as how clearly he was into me. I could tell it made her happy to see me so happy. His friends, including an ex-girlfriend, liked me. It's always hard penetrating the girl group of friends, but it seems like I did very well.

This weekend I will be spending most of my time in Grant Park at Lollapalooza so I might not see A very much. We've basically planned all of our free time around each other. That goes for next week as well when I attend some friend's birthday party with him (this will be the second time). It seems I was invited. And that's pretty damn cool.