Disappointment and a few tears

I have been a delinquent blogger lately. To the the two or three people who might read this, I apologize. It's been a busy week of long days beginning at 6 and ending at 9:30 or 10. This week should be much better.

Last night I felt like I was back in college. Back to about sophomore or junior year. My friends has a housewarming/birthday party at their apartment, and all of the friends were sorority sisters of mine. The invitees were primarily alumni from my college; four or five guests were outsiders. There was a keg, wine, and much vodka. Drinking games were getting started in one corner of the room, while guests mingled and gossiped in the other corners. Some of my friends were in town (also sorority sisters) and I hadn't seen them since graduation. I was catching up with them, making sure Jill didn't feel too left out, and having a good time.

Then C arrived, alone. I spotted him when he walked in, but decided that he would need to approach me first. After a few minutes, he came over and we started talking, moving our conversation into the kitchen, out of the kitchen, all over the place. I was happy. Things seemed to be going well.

More people arrived. For a while, it was packed in that small Lincoln Park apartment. More alumni. I moved on from the wine to the keg of MIller Lite. With the larger crowd, music, and plenty of drinks, it was easy to lose people at this party. I found myself talking to friends from school that I hadn't seen in a long time, and I lost track of C. I don't really remember how it happened, but suddenly I saw him alone in the kitchen with one of the Cute Blonde Girls at the party. This CBG went to my school and is an acquaintence of mine. From where I was standing, it appeared that C and CBG had hit it off. I was pretty much forgotten and it wasn't cool.

Leslie saw that I was upset. Her boyfriend Tom pulled me aside, and we sat on the couch where I expressed my disappointment. This was even more like a night at school, I realized. How many times had my crushes/interests rejected me for some CBG, someone I was never going to be. It stung a little bit more each time it happened because, in my mind, it reinforced the idea that all guys were on the lookout for a CBG and not me. I know it's not true, but when it happens often enough, I tend to believe it.

Leslie and Tom left the party with me and I started crying as we walked through Oz Park. It wasn't C that I was crying over, although it appeared that way to my friends. He was just one more guy that had rejected me and I felt like something was wrong with me. Why hadn't he wanted to take the time to really get to know me? He had blown me off before realizing just how awesome I am. Tom kept reassuring me that I was beautiful and could get someone far better than C (which is probably true), but I was still upset.

I place too much value on having a boyfriend. It's hard when your closest friends are all attached and you aren't. You don't understand why you can't be as lucky as them. And of course there is always that lingering thought that you will never find someone. I'm not looking to get married any time soon, but I wouldn't mind a nice guy taking me out on a date once in awhile.