hump day recap

The way this week has been, it should be Friday by now. All of my plans to blog about the rude & bitchy coworker who yelled at me on Monday, my recent decision to record everything I eat (apparently I am not the only one), and my growing hatred of the CTA were squashed by the week I've had.

Lately it seems like I can't get half of my to-do list done while I am work. Monday was no exception. I ran around to meetings all day, trying to respond to emails during the brief moments I was at my desk. Since I was going to the White Sox game that night, I knew I wouldn't be able to stay past 6 so I had to get my shit done. Yeah right. So I was frazzled when I left, but more than that I was angry. If there is one thing I hate, it's getting yelled at at work. Especially via email. When it's verbal, you can forget the words you heard. You can forget someone telling you how awful you are. But an email can be read over and over and over again. You keep reading about your failure, imagining the tone the person was using when they wrote it. It's awful.

Let me back up....this co-worker is someone I have worked with in various capacities for over a year and a half. And I have never liked her. Once in awhile she is friendly to me, but that's about once every six months. I am not alone in my dislike for her. In fact, I know more people who don't like her than those who do. I've been working with her a lot lately, so she has been grating more and more on my nerves. Which is why when she sent me this nasty email (and copied my director), I clenched my hands into fists and began breathing very deeply. After a few minutes of glaring at my computer screen, I drafted a sweet email back to her apologizing for what I had apparently done wrong. What made it all better was that my director (who was copied on the entire chain of emails) told me he thought the whole thing was "retarded". Nice.

So I was going to blog about that on Monday night, but then after the game, it took my roommate and I an hour and a half to get home from US Cellular Field. Seriously? It shouldn't take more than 40 minutes. But all this Slow Zone Elimination stuff is making everything worse, at least until September (if you don't know what I'm talking about, be thankful).

Tuesday was, like any other week, awful. Meeting after meeting. Email after email. Urgent requests. Messed up situations. And I knew this was coming; I anticipated a crazy day and decided I should come in to work early (especially because we had a softball game after work). But I have no control over the CTA, and my 15-20 min commute turned into 60 minutes. I almost passed out on the damn train, it was so hot and crowded. When I finally got to work, I had to take my top layer off because I was sweating so much. Gross. The day continued to be a typical Tuesday, followed by a softball game where I actually contributed to one of the eight runs we scored (which resulted in us winning). And then I was more than ready to go to the bar after the game and the day I'd had....so no posting.

In fact, I came home and just felt gross from the waffle fries and grilled cheese and three Miller Lites I had indulged in at the bar. I didn't have much choice given the vegetarian-friendly menu options. So I sucked it up and determined that this would be my gross meal of the week. Because I have finally gotten serious again about eating smarter.

In general, I eat well. But I have two bad habits: snacking and portion control. I love snacking. Especially snacks like chocolate and cookies and generally bad junk food. And when I have food in front of me, I like to eat all of it, even if it's an obscenely large portion. Which is why, despite my morning workouts, I feel gross. I've gained some weight in the past two years, enough to make me want to make some changes. On Monday, I signed up on My Calorie Counter, a free service where you can keep a food journal and track your progress. This is exactly what I need. I know that I am disciplined enough to maintain something like this (a food journal, albeit handwritten, was how I lost weight the first time). My will power is strong: I gave up meat for no reason and 5 years later, I'm still meat-free. I gave up pop/soda for New Year's this year and haven't had a sip throughout 2007. If I want to eat smarter, eat less, and record what I'm eating, I will do it.

I finally had the chance to post tonight because it's the only night this week I didn't have plans (which is why I was at work until 7:30...and that's another post altogether). I probably won't post again until the weekend as I've got another busy day and a work party on the beach tomorrow, and then I am going to the BlogHer conference on Friday (it's actually for work, but I'll be thinking as a blogger too). I'll let you know how it is and hopefully will come back with some tools to make PB&Razz even better (maybe posting a bit more regularly would be a good start, huh?)

What I've been doing instead of posting to my blog:

1. Attending multiple Happy Hours with co-workers where I say I will stay for no more than 2 hours and then am Last Man Standing.
2. Attending birthday parties where it's $25 All You Can Drink and doing just that.
3. Flirting. Whenever possible.
4. Going to yoga every Sunday afternoon.
5. Having men make rude comments/stare because I am wearing yoga pants which are tight and happen to stretch across my butt which happens to stick out a bit in the fashion of JLo.
6. Watching Sox baseball. In person. Hooray for baseball and beer and US Cellular Field.
   
7. Making deliciousness in the form of Chocolate Yummies.
8. Watching The Sopranos.
9. Watching Dancing With the Stars.
10. Going to my new hip-hop dance class.
11. Recovering from my new hip-hop dance class.
12. Attending the ballet with my mom.
13. Eating dinner with my friend Amy who is FINALLY back in Chicago.
14. Feeling happy/lonely because I am the only one in my apartment most of the time (esp on Sundays).

But today...I've spent the past hour or so trying to catch up on all of your blogs. It's been great getting back to reading everything you all have to say (even Clink who writes so damn much I had a lot to catch up on but I love her posts so I didn't mind).

I will try to post regularly again...I don't know how some of you do it. (Oh, maybe you aren't getting hammered on tequila on Thursday night with your coworkers?)

The Best Policy

I'm not sorry if my last post was sad.

Since I started writing (and letting people see what I write) five years ago, I've found my strength is honesty. I don't write well if I don't write what I'm thinking. My voice is loudest, clearest, saddest (and funniest) when I tell the truth. And I'm more honest in my writing than anywhere else in my life. I can tell complete strangers my most private thoughts when I'm writing (this blog is a perfect example), but I find it excruciatingly difficult to tell my best friend those same things.

Another perfect example of this would be when, in a story for a writing class, I carefully detailed my first time performing oral sex. I was a little anxious over how it would be received, but I really wasn't embarrassed or nervous for my peers to read it. In that same class, I was honest about love, relationships, my parents' marital problems, my strange grandmother, and the ugly phase I went through circa junior high.

I guess I like telling the truth. But I find it so hard when I'm face-to-face, when I'm actually speaking. A writer can edit, delete, and italicize until her truth feels just right. But what is a strength for me seems to be a weakness for many other writers, those who write in circles because they cannot be honest with themselves. I recently went to a reading of a memoir book where a woman in the audience asked the author how she was able to write so honestly about herself. This woman wanted to write memoir, but couldn't seem to tell the truth. She was editing herself, fearing readers' reactions. This was foreign to me. It's easy to be honest so long as you don't see your readers. What makes being honest on this blog so easy is that I personally know very few of the readers. And it is for those few I do know that I worry, I fear, and I edit my truth.

In real life, it's not that I lie or pretend to be someone else. I do, however, keep myself guarded. Among women, I sometimes appear snobbish. And at least one man as told me I come across as a bitch. (I'm really very friendly, I promise!) I don't go out of my way to meet people. And when I am put in a situation with unfamiliar faces, I don't warm to them easily. I don't trust people quickly. I take my time getting to know someone before I let them know me. And this, I fear, is my problem. When I start feeling lonely, I remember that I don't try to meet anyone. And I'm quick to reject others before I can let them reject me. I don't take risks. I don't "put myself out there". For awhile, that was okay. But now I'm just starting to feel pathetic. I'd like to go on a date once in awhile (I won't tell you that last time that happened). I'd like to have someone, other than my friends, to talk to. It doesn't have to be serious, just something to distract me, to bring me out of my funk for a bit.

At least I'm being honest.

On Writing

I started this blog as a way to force myself back into writing. After graduating as an English Writing major and devoting much of my time in college to expressing creativity through words and stories, I stopped doing it altogether. It makes me sad that I don't write with the same frequency that I did in school, but I'm also not in an environment which encourages me to write. I did my best writing when given assignments and deadlines (I do most things best under such circumstances). I don't have the discipline to make myself write like that outside of college. So blogging has been the best way to structure my writing and encourage this good habit that's been hiding.

A few weeks ago one of my former writing professors (the one who got the best stuff out of me) asked me to read something he had written. It was a 26 page memoir piece and I dove right into reading and critiquing it for him. The comments I wrote in response were lengthy and detailed. I apologized for the volume of criticism in my email, but I noted that I had not been asked to critique writing in so long that I went slightly overboard. It was a feeling I had missed and one that I want back. Not only do I want the opportunity to read and respond to others, but I also want to write and get feedback. And not just in this forum, but elsewhere (not sure where at this point).

Reading my professor's work reminded me of the best day I ever had as a writer. It was a Nonfiction/Memoir course taught by the aforementioned instructor. It was my final semester in college and my final writing class. And this was our final writing assignment. Earlier in the semester we had been given specific topics to write on, but for our last piece we could choose to write about any experience. I'd had my idea for the piece since the semester began in February. It would be about sex, love, and my inability to navigate between the two. The highlight of my piece was a section about my first real boyfriend, an overly experienced 16 year old with whom I first had oral sex. And the description of performing my first blow job was where I had really let myself be honest and open with my readers. I had never written so openly before (and with such precise detail). The day our class workshopped my piece, I was the last person to be critiqued. And the comments were amazing. I had put so much effort into getting the story exactly how I wanted it, really crafting each sentence and section of the piece. But more importantly, I was totally honest about myself and didn't hold back. For some reason, I could remember minute details of that first blow job: the lighting in the room, the color of the sheets, the initial discomfort that never really disappeared.

The sexual experience I'd rather forget, but I will always remember the way it felt when my classmates and professor praised my work that day.

So you should be seeing more of me soon....I've got some ideas up my sleeve that I just need to get out. If only I could tear myself away from Grey's Anatomy, Nip/Tuck, and the World Series.

Question: Do you have specific stimulants that you need around while writing? Music? TV Shows? Food or beverage? Atmosphere? Is there a certain environment that gets you writing more?