Saturday, February 17, 2007

so he's nice but...

Thanks for your advice on my situation with The Friend. It does help hearing feedback, even if I don't know any of you.

My reluctance to move forward with this situation is a sure sign that I don't want this to go anywhere. And yet I am still "confused". Why?

I have a history of getting into relationships with guys who do not pay me enough attention. No, I'm not asking for someone to worship me, but I am asking for a bit more give and take in the relationship. I am usually giving and giving and not getting anything in return. That's how it was with A all of the time. And I see the pattern in my past relationships, dating guys who would never drop everything for me. Once in awhile they come through, but that's not often enough. The Friend, however, is a guy who would take care of me. He already does. Since we've been friends, he's always been the guy to look out for the girls and make sure we're ok. When we spend time together, I see it in his eyes. I can tell that he would totally be there for me, whatever I needed. And because I know I need someone like that, I start thinking that I need him.

The problem is, I'm not really attracted to The Friend. That's what is lacking in this situation. He's kind, generous, funny, and I can talk to him (evidently) for hours. But, for me, there's no spark or passion or lust. When I was at his apartment on Wednesday, I found myself imagining the situation with another guy, a guy that I was totally crazy for (like in the early days of A). And imagining that scenario made me see the difference in how I feel about The Friend. If that had been A making me dinner on VDay, I probably would have jumped on top of him as soon as we'd finished dessert. I would have accepted his offer to spend the night. There would have been no holding back or reluctancy.

But because I am a confused girl, I am probably making the situation worse. I sent The Friend an email on Thursday, only to receive a lengthy response from him on Friday about hanging out together this weekend. My plans were to stay in all weekend, getting some homework done and keeping out of the snow. But I said I might be up for his suggestion of watching a movie on Sunday (Erin, why would you do that? You're only making it worse). And I got a text from him last night when he was leaving the Blackhawks game, wondering if I was interested in going out at all.

Nothing physical has happened, and I haven't given any indication that it will anytime soon. But I can't help but feel like I'm leading him on and that he's building up hope around something that shouldn't happen.


MrWriteNow said...

Totally off topic, but my guesty-blogging experiement with The Duck went pretty well. Maybe you and I should consider that! But wait....Pursuit of Strange isn't even linked as one of your regular reads! :(

MrWriteNow said...

Dammit. Two typos up there. I need to take that y and that e back.

erin said...

sorry - i haven't taken time to update my regular reads in awhile, but it's on my to do list - i promise.

and i would definitely consider guest-blogging. i've actually never done it before.

erin said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Maxwell Thomas Wastler said...

You said so yourself: "Erin, why would you do that? You're only making it worse."

I'm not one to give advice, but here you might consider taking your own.

Clink said...

Erin - I've been in a similar situation and I think that you and I are similar in that we avoid confrontation and are generally nice people. However, I let it get to the point where it got worse for him and for me. I liked the way he treated me and the way he made me feel but, in essence, I was using him to boost my own self-esteem while leading him on. You're at the point now where you can get out of the sticky situation and hopefully keep your friendship intact as just that - a friendship. I'd take advantage of that before you let it get too far. I speak from experience!

erin said...

Max - you're right. I actually did take my own advice by not hanging out with him this weekend. Not that avoiding the situation will make it any better, but in the short term it worked.

Clink - Thanks for the advice. I definitely need to take time to talk to him about this and clear up any misconceptions he might have, just so this doesn't get f'd up. And I need to stop using his niceness as a way to feel better about myself.

Sasha said...

Hey girl, I know you don't know me, but like Clink, I have been here. There are three ways for this to end.
1. Badly, you let it continue and you hurt him and regret it.
2. You end it now and things are weird for a little while but your friendship survives.
3. You find out that- You actually do have feelings for him, but you have never been treated right so your gut is that you aren't attracted to him. But really you don't know if you are attracted to him because in some way you are attracted to someone not treating you well. You are attracted to the fight. Trying to make someone want you as much as you want them.

Just another view point. Like I said, I don't know you. But I have let it end all three ways. The third is my current man, and the man I want to spend my life with. He was different and I thought I wasn't attracted to him. But with time (it wasn't quite like yours because he wasn't trying for me like that, we were just friends) I grew to love and lust him.

Good Luck. I hope your friendship stays strong.

Bev said...

I think we've all been in the same situation. I really don't advocate confronting him unless you know for certain he's into you like that. A confrontation will certainly change the friendship and who needs that drama? I say you just be friends, but make sure your signals are clear so he knows you're just a friend. May I suggest wearing a T-shirt that reads "purely platonic" next time you hang out with him?

Also, sometimes discussing guys you like helps rub in the fact that you think of him as just a friend also.