too much

The 2-hr season finale of Dancing With the Stars is almost over. I've been watching the show off and on this season, mostly because I just want to fall into something mindless when I get home at night. That's what I've needed lately...mindlessness. I like coming home and just being able to let everything melt away. The past week or so has just been overwhelming to say the least.

After my last post..

I went home to the suburbs to see my parents. I had planned to go home for Mother's Day, and I really had a great time just chilling out in the burbs. Even though being at home can be a little weird for me (yeah, if I haven't mentioned it before, the situation between my parents is odd). I spent all of Sunday with my mom and, after what had happened with Jill's dad, just spending time with her meant a lot (to both of us).

I spent more time in the burbs after that, probably more time in one week than in the past 6 months combined. Monday night a group of us went to dinner with Jill after her dad's wake. The following day was the funeral and burial service. And when I got home Tuesday night, I was just drained. It had been a long, emotional day. To top it off, work has been absolutely crazy lately. Not necessarily tons and tons of work, just a lot going on simultaneously. Even worse is that all of this work involves collaborating with some colleagues I'd rather not deal with.

This past weekend it was definitely time to let go. To relax. Friday night was drinks with friends. Saturday was my high school friend's wedding (in the burbs again) - lots of time spent in front of the DJ and the open bar. Sunday was yoga, a welcome period of relaxation after what had been and what was shaping up to be...overwhelming.

When I walked into my apartment, Jill was there on the couch talking to my other roommate. I took one look at her, outstretched my arms, and gave her the hug I had wanted to give her since 9:45 Thursday morning. We sat in our living room, letting Jill cry and be as sad as she wanted to be. We listened to her and tried to sympathize. I felt my eyes well up with tears a few times while we sat there; I couldn't even imagine how she was feeling. Anne and I bought her sushi and wine, and the three of us ate and talked until we could barely keep our eyes open. I felt better about having Jill stay at our apartment last night rather than letting her go back to the suburbs and stay at her parents' house.

It's weird to think that I will never see Jill's dad again. I knew him for 14 years. He was there when we had sleepovers at Jill's house or when we needed a ride to the movies. Last year he helped us move into our apartment and bought everyone pizza and champagne when we were done. The last time I saw him, in March, he looked like an entirely different person. Gone was the "Uncle Phil" I'd known so long. In his place was a thin, weak, frustrated man. I barely recognized him and I began to understand how this was wearing on Jill.

Part of the reason I think Jill is feeling better than expected is that she didn't want her dad to suffer anymore. She knew he was ready to go and her family needed to let go of the overwhelming sadness that had been hanging over them for 8 months. And while his death is sad, there is a relief that has come over Jill.

loss

Last night I was enjoying the sunshine, warm weather, and company of my coworkers at our team kickball outing. Last night I was joking around, drinking beers and eating tortilla chips, having a great time with my friends from work. Last night my best friend's dad died.

In a way, I knew it was coming. He had been diagnosed with cancer eight months ago and, over the past few weeks, his condition had grown much worse. Just last week he was put into hospice care at the hospital where my own grandfather had died of the exact same type of cancer. My roommate sent an email in the middle of the night to a group of our friends. I read the email this morning at work and had to turn around at my desk so no one could see me crying. I didn't know what to do or what to say. How to react. Should I reply to her email? Should I call? I left her a voicemail with the sound of me choking back tears, telling her I would do anything she needed or be wherever she needed me. I called my mom, again trying not to cry as I left a message for her at work just to let her know. She called me a few hours later and we were both trying not to cry into the phone.

**Sorry, taking a break from posting because I am at work and about to start crying again and maybe it will be better if I finish this at home.**

no pictures, please.

What I've been doing instead of posting to my blog:

1. Attending multiple Happy Hours with co-workers where I say I will stay for no more than 2 hours and then am Last Man Standing.
2. Attending birthday parties where it's $25 All You Can Drink and doing just that.
3. Flirting. Whenever possible.
4. Going to yoga every Sunday afternoon.
5. Having men make rude comments/stare because I am wearing yoga pants which are tight and happen to stretch across my butt which happens to stick out a bit in the fashion of JLo.
6. Watching Sox baseball. In person. Hooray for baseball and beer and US Cellular Field.
   
7. Making deliciousness in the form of Chocolate Yummies.
8. Watching The Sopranos.
9. Watching Dancing With the Stars.
10. Going to my new hip-hop dance class.
11. Recovering from my new hip-hop dance class.
12. Attending the ballet with my mom.
13. Eating dinner with my friend Amy who is FINALLY back in Chicago.
14. Feeling happy/lonely because I am the only one in my apartment most of the time (esp on Sundays).

But today...I've spent the past hour or so trying to catch up on all of your blogs. It's been great getting back to reading everything you all have to say (even Clink who writes so damn much I had a lot to catch up on but I love her posts so I didn't mind).

I will try to post regularly again...I don't know how some of you do it. (Oh, maybe you aren't getting hammered on tequila on Thursday night with your coworkers?)

books i've been reading while not posting or reading other blogs

Here are some great book recommendations from my past few weeks of literary indulgence:

She Got Up Off the Couch - Haven Kimmel (also recommended: A Girl Named Zippy)
Another Bullshit Night in Suck City - Nick Flynn
Citizen Vince - Jess Walter
Avoiding Prison & Other Noble Vacation Goals - Wendy Dale
Housekeeping vs The Dirt - Nick Hornby (which caused me to read the first 3 books on this list)

On Tuesday, my book club is restarting itself after a 1-year hiatus. This means crappy books chosen by my sorority sisters. I'll have to continue reading from my own list.

I think someone tried to "borrow" my most recent Netflix movie. The envelope was open so that the DVD could slide out.

I'm guessing the potential thief took one look at Ingmar Bergman and decided I should receive my movie after all.

I haven't read a blog or posted to my blog in weeks. Any number of excuses can be used for why I haven't been a good blogger lately: crazy days at work, my busy social life, or just being plain uninterested in blogging. What I have been doing a lot more of lately is reading, and maybe that was what I needed. Reading has put me back in touch with my desire to write, but I've just been diving into books (and films) lately, which means I don't really have time for a blog post or read.

You see, a typical day for me is: wake up, gym, work (with little time for distractions like reading blogs unless they are work related), work-related event or late night at work, arrive home tired, do nothing except watch TV or watch Netflix movie or read before going to bed. Blog reading usually fits into that after-work period, but lately I haven't had the interest (no offense). I've just wanted to do mindless things (like TV) or keep up with the great books I've been reading. Once I get started on a book, I just want to get right through it. The other time that I would use for blog reading was downtime at work. However, there hasn't been much downtime lately. And when I'm in a few minutes of it, I'm usually doing something mindless again. Blog posting and reading takes up just too much actual thought to be a random activity.

But I am back! I promise. I will start reading your blogs again. This weekend perhaps? Well, on Saturday because Sunday I am going to my first baseball game of the season (cannot wait - Go Sox!). So in between re-organizing my closet for spring/summer (because I think it is finally here), I will try to be online and see what all of you lovely bloggers have been doing lately.

I feel pretty. Oh, so pretty. I feel pretty and witty and broke.

Because I just shelled out way too much money for make-up. Something I usually buy at Walgreen's at a fraction of the price. What made today different?

I never really invest in make-up, but part of me thinks that at 25 I should start. So I was perusing the cosmetics area at Nordstrom this afternoon, wondering if I could get a mini-makeover to make my day a bit brighter. I also knew that I would inevitably walk away with a few products in hand, but if they looked good on me, what's the harm?

Oh everything looked good on me. And all the brushes were necessary for applying the goodies. So I couldn't just buy one without the other, right? (Again, my former investments in make-up had not required me to own make-up brushes.) I saw the tools as the proper investment; if I bought them today, I wouldn't need to buy them again.

When my stash of beauty supplies was put into dollar form, my heart skipped a beat or two. There was NO WAY I could have possibly spent THAT MUCH MONEY on some make-up. Seriously?

So then I went and bought two pairs of shoes.

Yes, I realize my latest posts have been short and, well, lame. My excuse for not posting is usually one of two things: I am busy or I want to just relax. When I am busy, I don't have time. When I just want to relax, I don't want to touch my computer.

I would like to start posting more regularly, and that is my new goal. Promise. I've got some material in my head that just needs to come out. And I'm reading a book that's giving me inspiration to actually start writing again (Interpreter of Maladies was first recommended to me by my senior seminar professor and now I can see why).

In the meantime, there are coyotes in Chicago.

Thank you Florida Gators. And all the other teams who played in the NCAA tournament and scored the way you did.

For someone who knows very little about college basketball, I wound up winning one of the office pools (this is 1st place out of over 80 entries) and came home with a nice wad of cash. Makes up for a relatively crappy day at work.

Happiness is...

-a raspberry latte at 2:30pm on a Friday

-the promise of spring in the slightly warmer temperatures

-expecting a dentist bill of $500+ and seeing that you only have to pay $19.70

-no meetings all day

-the aching in my legs and butt from some great workouts this week

-wearing my hair curly again (no more hairdryer!)

-leaving your credit card at the bar, only to retrieve it the following day and see that you were charged $4.50 (when the bill should have been 5x more)

There is something about the combination of Sunday afternoon yoga and a beautiful spring day that make me want to do nothing other than just be.

This is the type of day I needed.

overdone

I love when my horoscope is spot on:

Feelings of fatigue can encroach upon your ability to meet your most pressing obligations today. You may have a great deal to do and a limited span of time in which to do it, making you feel rushed and generally overwhelmed by deadlines. Combating the resultant tiredness can be as easy as stepping away from your duty roster in order to concentrate on your well-being for a few minutes or an hour. You may discover that after a rest your senses are more sensitive, and you can focus more intently on complex or challenging tasks. As you imbue your schedule with balance today, you will likely once again enjoy the heady rush accomplishment brings.

I guess my moment of relaxation came when I went to Potbelly's. But even that was rushed (as was the eating of the sandwich I purchased). Thank goodness for arriving home with sushi, red wine, and nothing to do.

a letter to the guys upstairs who make too much damn noise

Dear Upstairs Neighbors,

We've been living beneath you for almost a year now. While most of the time we can coexist peaceably, there are times when the noise you create becomes a bit unbearable for us. Most of the time we hold off on saying anything to you because we don't want to come across as those lame neighbors who can't handle a little noise once in awhile. But it's not just once in awhile.

You seem like reasonable guys. We've partied with you once before and talked to you a few times about the noise factor that floats down to our apartment. In fact, during that late night of drinking in our place, my roommate bluntly told you that the sex you are having with your girlfriends is something we are all too familiar with. We hear it all the time. Throughout the entire apartment. We let you know that it is disrespectful to your girlfriend, to yourself, and to us. Since having that conversation in December, the sex noises have decreased sharply. Perhaps you've broken up with your girlfriends? Or maybe you've discovered a quieter way to get it on? Whatever it is, we do appreciate it.

However, you are still loud. We don't understand how you make so much noise, so we would like to install a camera in your apartment. This camera would allow us to see how you make these noises, which might allow us to better understand why it is you must be so obnoxiously loud everyday. From what we can tell, you guys are constantly dissastisfied with the arrangement of your apartment as it sounds like you are always moving the furniture. Or maybe it is that you are amateur bowlers and are using the kitchen floor to practice when you can't get to the bowling alley.

The third aspect of the noise is identifiable. From our hallway conversations, we've learned that you guys are part of a band. You have invited us to your gigs. We have never attended, most likely because we have our own private performances in the comfort of our living room. For instance, tonight you've been "jamming" for two hours. It's been the same two songs for extended periods of time, and someone is attempting to sing (though their voice is drowned out by the amps you've turned up so loud).

When we moved last year, one of the apartments we considered was above a soon-to-be-opened lounge. We didn't choose the apartment, partially because we didn't want to live above a bar. Instead, we unknowingly chose to live below a blues club/brothel/bowling alley.

We'll be your downstairs neighbors for another year. If you can try and end band practice before midnight on weeknights, we'd be happy. And if you'd also ask your late-night guests to leave a bit more quietly so as we don't wake up to their loud talking and stomping down the stairs, it would be much appreciated.

Next time you have a party - let us know!

Best,
The ladies of Apt 2

Have you ever done something stupid at work, and afterwards you just felt dumb?

I am having one of those weeks. I'm just looking for a way to redeem myself.

Have you ever done something stupid at work, and afterwards you just felt dumb?

I am having one of those weeks. I'm just looking for a way to redeem myself.

ouch

There has been a pounding in my head for the past few hours. Earlier today I thought I was going to fall asleep at my desk during a conference call. The computer screen not even a foot away from my face seemed like a very distant object (at the time, the preferred distant object was my bed). I woke up a little during lunch, but then a post-deep dish pizza and cookie lull set in. An iced raspberry latte at 4 had no effect. I stayed at work until 9:30 and nothing could keep me going. Rubbing my temples to try and stay focused, while also trying to avoid poking around the stash of food I keep at my desk (there are approximately 25 Pop-Tarts, some cookies and crackers, and about a dozen boxes of cereal to tide me over should I need to stay in my office for 2 weeks straight).

During the cab ride home, I felt as though I'd been trampled by a few dozen screaming children. Head, stomach, back, and knee all hurting in some way. (According to my father's telephone diagnosis last night, I have arthritis in my knee. 25 seems older every day.)

I am falling apart.

mixmaster sunday

I learned how to rock the turntables today.

Okay, maybe I didn't quite rock 'em, but I did some baby scratching.

So now I'm putting some Technics and a mixer on my wish list.

my daily five

1. I love the new daylight savings time.

2. I especially like that it is 72 degrees outside.

3. I am loving the fact that my boss let us leave early to enjoy the weather.

4. Trying not to think about the cooler forecast predicted for this weekend, especially Saturday.

5. Because Saturday = St. Patrick's Day = my favorite holiday.

fyi

Starbucks vanilla cupcakes are pretty damn good.*

*For cupcakes purchased at a chain coffee shop like Starbucks.

breakin' 07

SB07 was absolutely fabulous. I forgot how much I like taking vacations. I need to do it more often, especially since I get more vacation time this year (6 more days to be exact). Escaping from Chicago at this awful point when winter seems like it will never go away was perfect. An afternoon/evening in South Beach (I had never been and was completely overwhelmed). Three more days at my friend's place in a cute little beachy town near West Palm. Loved it. Much needed time away from work and snow and cold and overall blah.

Came back depressed? Check.

Tan? Half-check. (Lack of overall sunscreen application on Tuesday made for some redness. Ouch. At least I look like I went somewhere.)

Ready for Spring to finally arrive? Check. I am in total denial that it is not yet warm enough here to run around without boots or gloves or heavy coats. Totally confused by the four days of bare feet, exposed skin, and lots of sunshine on my face.

The weatherman says a warming trend is on the way....

sunshine, here i come

Snow. Cold weather. Dry skin. Wearing my heinous Uggs. Scarves, hats, gloves, and heavy coats. Ice. Unshoveled sidewalks. Wind chills. Slush.

I'm done with winter. It hit me a few weeks ago that it's about time winter should end. I know, despite whatever that groundhog said, we've still got some cold, and possibly snowy, days ahead of us. March is tricky like that. April is tricky like that. Chicago weather is tricky like that.

Yesterday the sidewalks were wet with traces of the overnight thunderstorm and melted ice/snow. This morning they were windswept with snow, and the wind didn't stop all day. I watched out my window at work as the snow flew sideways across my view of the Marina Towers. I didn't leave the office until the end of the day. It just looked so awful outside (it really didn't snow much but the wind made it appear worse than it was).

What better time than now to be going to Florida, right? Four days of sunshine, drinks, and my girl friends. See you next week when I'm tan and depressed to be back in the Too Windy City.

why i love chicago part 2

I wound up drinking over half the bottle while I watched Chicago election coverage. The buzz was a nice complement to the ridiculousness of Chicago politics.

In a landslide, King Richard was elected for his 6th term (close to beating his late father's record), while an alderman currently under federal investigation for bribery demanded a federal investigation on her election results (yeah, she lost). I love this city.

Thanks for all your messages of congratulations!

And Max, I did not call The Friend last night.

why this tuesday doesn't suck

I am done with my MBA program!

I just finished taking my last final...ever! No more school, at least I hope not....

As soon as I finished my exam, I popped open a bottle of champagne. Unfortunately, I am home alone so this just means I might get drunk on champagne on a Tuesday night all by myself. Just what a business professional should do, right?

I told my friends about The Friend Saturday night. I'd been keeping it a secret from everyone but those who read my blog (isn't it strange how it's totally easy to divulge personal information to complete strangers but not to your best friends?). But Saturday night was: drinks, girls night with my best friends who I hadn't gone out with in ages, more drinks, dancing, more drinks, blabbing.

I believe the confessing/explaining started when The Friend texted me for the 2nd time that night. Because I'd been drinking, my censor was off and I exclaimed to my friend Leslie that I thought The Friend had a thing for me. She knew we had hung out recently just from casual conversation, but didn't know the extent of it. Neither did my best friend/roommate. So I let them in on the dinner, the sleeping over, the Valentine's Day dinner. I told them how I was feeling strange about everything since I'm not really interested in The Friend BUT he is SO nice and such a good guy and don't I finally deserve a guy who doesn't treat me like crap? (Reference: A or FFG). Of course they both agreed, especially Leslie, that I need someone to treat me the way I deserve to be treated. But does that mean I should date The Friend? Not necessarily says my best friend Jill. So what is a girl to do? Just keep being confused.

At this point, I feel like I've totally blown The Friend off, but I haven't really. There have just been other plans or no plans/staying in, so I've gone out with him in a couple weeks. And the next 2 weekends I will be out of town/very busy so I won't have to feel confused until at least St Patrick's Day is over.

insufficiently committed

My alma mater is in the news...and this story makes me angry.

If my own sorority did this, I would be extremely embarrassed and angry.

once a food snob...

My children will never eat this. Ever. No matter how much they beg. It's not just the ingredients, it's the entire presentation. Feeling more yucky.

exhausted

I returned a few hours ago from an overnight trip to see my clients in Michigan. I want to know if it possible for anyone to be a vegetarian if they live in Michigan (excluding the Ann Arbor area as it is filled with college students, some of whom are presumably trying the veggie lifestyle). Seriously, I ate disgusting food most of the time I was there, finding whatever was meatless (which included a trip to Taco Bell, my first in over a year).

I feel yucky.

why i love chicago, part 1

This is one of my favorite Chicago bloggy sites. And I love the random question that they ask every few days.

Yesterday's question: What convinces people that spring is finally here? What do you do to celebrate?

Not only is the question perfect, but the responses are even better. Check it out, even if you don't live in this wonderful town.

so he's nice but...

Thanks for your advice on my situation with The Friend. It does help hearing feedback, even if I don't know any of you.

My reluctance to move forward with this situation is a sure sign that I don't want this to go anywhere. And yet I am still "confused". Why?

I have a history of getting into relationships with guys who do not pay me enough attention. No, I'm not asking for someone to worship me, but I am asking for a bit more give and take in the relationship. I am usually giving and giving and not getting anything in return. That's how it was with A all of the time. And I see the pattern in my past relationships, dating guys who would never drop everything for me. Once in awhile they come through, but that's not often enough. The Friend, however, is a guy who would take care of me. He already does. Since we've been friends, he's always been the guy to look out for the girls and make sure we're ok. When we spend time together, I see it in his eyes. I can tell that he would totally be there for me, whatever I needed. And because I know I need someone like that, I start thinking that I need him.

The problem is, I'm not really attracted to The Friend. That's what is lacking in this situation. He's kind, generous, funny, and I can talk to him (evidently) for hours. But, for me, there's no spark or passion or lust. When I was at his apartment on Wednesday, I found myself imagining the situation with another guy, a guy that I was totally crazy for (like in the early days of A). And imagining that scenario made me see the difference in how I feel about The Friend. If that had been A making me dinner on VDay, I probably would have jumped on top of him as soon as we'd finished dessert. I would have accepted his offer to spend the night. There would have been no holding back or reluctancy.

But because I am a confused girl, I am probably making the situation worse. I sent The Friend an email on Thursday, only to receive a lengthy response from him on Friday about hanging out together this weekend. My plans were to stay in all weekend, getting some homework done and keeping out of the snow. But I said I might be up for his suggestion of watching a movie on Sunday (Erin, why would you do that? You're only making it worse). And I got a text from him last night when he was leaving the Blackhawks game, wondering if I was interested in going out at all.

Nothing physical has happened, and I haven't given any indication that it will anytime soon. But I can't help but feel like I'm leading him on and that he's building up hope around something that shouldn't happen.

my new view

This is the new view from my office. Love it. Except that it gets a little cool in the evening AND at night my computer screen is reflected in the window (so everyone can see I am blogging or social network stalking and not doing actual work).

a very long dinner

I walked into my apartment at 3:20am this morning.

I'll back up...

The Friend picked me up at 7:45. I had only 20 minutes to get ready and, knowing that we were just having dinner at his house, I didn't feel the need to get too dressed up. Besides, there is almost a foot of snow on the ground and I refuse to attempt cute shoe wearing in all of that snow.

The car ride is nice. We talk about our week, our day, the snow. I'm trying not to feel awkward. That is until I walk into his newly cleaned apartment where there is light music playing in the background and dinner is about to be made. I stand around awkwardly while he pours me a glass of chianti. I continue to stand around awkwardly while he makes dinner. I don't know what to do, where to go. The kitchen is small so it's not like I can be in there, so I stand just outside the kitchen, talking to him while he makes dinner. And it's good stuff: caprese salad, fish, sauteed veggies. He would have scored some major points if I was keeping track.

After we finished eating, we stayed at the table for awhile to finish the bottle of wine and talk (the wine increased my talking, as it always does). But in the midst of conversation I was yawning. He was yawning. A glance at my watch said 11:54. I had not planned on staying this long.

He suggested moving from the quite uncomfortable IKEA dining chairs to the much softer couch. I obliged, even though I knew this was just prolonging the evening. We kept talking. The music stayed on. And I found myself backing into the corner of the couch, obviously keeping my distance.

When the clock finally reached 3, I knew I had to go. But The Friend suggested that I just stay at his place. He could drive me home on his way to work. Or he would be fine just taking me home now. I knew I needed to leave. The last thing I needed to do was spend the night, confusing him and myself even more. So we bundled up and he drove me home, looking a bit dejected.

I am feeling all sorts of confused right now. I go back and forth and back and forth thinking about him. Thinking about dating him. Sometimes I think it's okay, it could work. Other times, it weirds me out. All day I kept thinking about how things were left last night after I asked to be taken home. Feeling bad, I sent him an upbeat thank you email this afternoon, but haven't heard back from him yet. And that's just confusing me even more.

Today's Daily Om Capricorn horoscope:

Since you are likely in a sensible and realistic mood, you may be quite amicable to the idea of doing whatever needs to be done to ensure your financial security, emotional health, and physical well-being.

Which is why I skipped the gym (more later) and spent a few hundred dollars on White Sox tickets this morning?

p.s. I promise an update on last night - I just don't have time right now at work.

you choo-choo-choose me?

Flowers? Nope. Candy? Just whatever my coworkers gave me. Sexy evening plans? Nope. Do I care? Nope.

I'm not a Valentine's Day person, nor do I ever think I will be. I'm in the camp that believes this is a fake holiday dreamed up by marketing professionals looking to make some money on cards, flowers, chocolate, jewelry, and whatever else we are "supposed" to buy for our significant other.
So far, I've celebrated VDay loving myself, indulging in the things I love and not getting down on myself about anything. My new office has a lovely view of the Chicago River and, after the snow stopped falling this morning, I got to enjoy a beautifully sunny afternoon. I'm wearing one of my favorite outfits - all black from head to heels. On my feet are my ab fab favorite shoes, a pair of shiny green patent leather stilettos. They'd look like stripper shoes if I wasn't wearing them with black dress pants. I went to the gym this morning, even after completing yet another snowy hike through my neighborhood to the El stop.

Now, as the workday comes to a close, I reach a dilemma. Or maybe it's not a dilemma, but a problem. A sticky situation, perhaps. Ideally, I would leave work and go to my empty apartment (the benefit of having roommates with serious boyfriends and, therefore, VDay plans). I would lounge around, eat, and probably watch a movie or some generally bad television. Finally, around 10pm, I'd get into bed with my new issue of Real Simple and read until I was tired.

But....I've got plans.

Remember how I told you about my guy friend and the potential awkwardness? Yep, it's gotten more awkward. Emails and phone calls from him during the week last week. We made plans to hang out Saturday night at a party at a bar (happened to be A's favorite bar - lucky he wasn't there). After the drink special ended, we wound up just going to his place to hang out and have some beers. Nothing more. Being late, cold, and at least an $11 cab ride from my place, he suggested I just crash there and he would drive me home the next morning. I was game (although slightly skeptical). I slept in sweats and kept my distance when I crawled into bed. Nothing happened. Totally platonic sleepover. The next day I ended up hanging out at his place all day. By the time we woke up with our mini-hangovers, we didn't want to do anything except watch college basketball or anything else we found on TV. Before I knew it, it was 10:30 and the Grammys were over. Oops. The Friend drove me home and, as we got to my place, asked what I was doing Wednesday night (notice the lack of holiday mention).

At the time I thought it would be nice to have plans for VDay. I didn't want to spend it alone. But as the reality of what this might indicate to him sunk in, I began regretting my decision. Stupid Erin.

So now we've got plans to hang out, most likely just at his place (he offered to make me dinner since reservations and weather make going out a bit tricky). And while I appreciate all of this, I'm nervous as hell about what he is thinking and where this evening might go.

snow day

I guess the good thing about the snow is that they let us out early.

Because I moved offices today (hello, window!), my computer was dismantled between 2pm and who knows when. The official closing time was 3pm. Since I couldn't really do anything (thank goodness for technology), I let myself leave to try and beat some of this mess home.

It's probably snowed close to 8 inches since this morning. My trek home from the El station was like another workout as I trudged through heavy snow. Most of the sidewalks were unshoveled. I had to steady myself with my hands out at my sides because the wind was so strong and the ground was so slippery. I envisioned myself biting it in the middle of Division. Fortunately, I made it home without falling; I was just tired and sweaty when I got to the door.

The benefits of coming home early? Getting homework done, watching Law & Order, and doing my laundry. Hooray for snow.

it's effing winter

I am hating Chicago right now.

Snow.

CTA.

Snow.

More snow.

More cold.

On the bright side:

At least I don't have to drive to work.

Note: The photo above is beautiful Lake Michigan. Frozen.

it's like a tundra sometimes

Cold day after cold day, I find myself staring at the women wearing heels or not wearing scarves or hats. These are the women for which winter is merely a season of coats and cute boots, not of unbearably frostbiting temperatures and crunching snow underfoot. With recent highs in the single digits, there have been noticeably less of this sort of woman on the streets of Chicago. But I still see them teetering around ice in four-inch heels (not heeled boots, just heels). I don't ask myself if I will ever be one of these women, caring more about my appearance than staying warm. I do wonder, however, if I can ever pull off looking halfway cute while being bundled in multiple layers.

Catching my reflection in the El's scratched window, I look more homeless than hot. Black Uggs that are splotched white from winter 05-06, which I haven't cleaned because I don't like my Uggs in the first place. Long, brown belted coat which looks beautiful with a tidy scarf and flats, but bulky when paired with hat, heavy scarf, boots, and thick underlayers of wool and cotton. In the mornings, on my way to the gym, I care very little about my appearance. It's cold and dark (although that's starting to change), and all I want to do is get to the El station which, after a few inches of snow fell this week, seems like it's across the Great Plains. My dirty boots crunch across the haphazardly shoveled sidewalks. It actually surprised me Wednesday morning that anyone had shoveled. You see the last time we had a lot of snow in December, the sidewalks became a disaster: covered in ice which was covered with snow. I found myself walking in the street when possible. It's not out of laziness that our neighbors don't shovel, it's that they might fear being sued. (Some Good Samaritan law which states that shoveled sidewalks and individuals falling on said sidewalks equal potential lawsuit. Do nothing, someone falls, and you aren't at risk. Nice.)

Seriously, it has been so cold that appearance has been of little interest to me. Usually I take time to choose an outfit for work the next day. When it's cold, I pair some pants with a sweater and I'm done. I bury my face in my scarf, look at the ground and walk briskly to work, home, the gym - no need to glance around at everyone else. But there are people who do it, people for whom the cold means nothing. They go out like it's springtime, running around the city or going out every night (that is an entirely different blog post altogether - going out when it's freezing). You know, maybe I'm too practical. Or maybe I need to move.

I was going to post today, but then my Firefox "unexpectedly shut down" and I hate using Safari ever since I got Firefox, but I seem to have so many issues with Firefox lately (when it shuts down or just stops working so I can't type anything and I have to close and reopen it), and I should probably stop complaining because it seems like I just complain a lot lately about things not going well but then there are good things going on, aside from this horribly cold and snowy weather that we're having in Chicago (even though it's really the most winter we've gotten all season).

Whew.

crazy update

After things ended with A, I resolved to make new friends, especially of the male variety. For some reason it's been very difficult for me to make new guy friends since high school. In college, I attributed it to living on an all-girls floor during my freshman year and then joining a sorority. I was surrounded by girls for four years. And while I had a small group of guys that I considered my friends, very few of them were solid friendships that have lasted past graduation. After college, it's been more of the same. Most of my male friends are either coworkers or guys I've met through friends' boyfriends. So the process of cultivating more male friends beginning in January has been quite arduous.

What makes the prospect of male friends so challenging is that I have a history of getting romantically involved with them. Whether it's me that is interested or vice versa, it takes the friendship to another place and it's usually very difficult to return to the friendship with that other relationship hanging over us. These guys that I've been spending time with over the past month aren't, initially, the types of guys I would usually be interested in. I find myself putting up my guard, being cautious of their intentions and trying to recognize my own. But the more time I spend with them, the more I become interested in them being something more.

This is why I felt like I was going insane the other night. After a nice dinner out with one of these male friends, I found myself thinking about him as something more. Maybe it was the 5 glasses of sangria or the dimly lit table at the restaurant. Maybe I'm just looking so hard for a new relationship that I'm making something out of nothing. But it freaked me out. When he dropped me off at my apartment, I couldn't help but feel some sort of awkward tension in the car as I said good-bye.

It's silly, thinking about dating him in the first place (after being friends for over a year, being anything else would be very strange) so I'm not going to think about it. I just hope the tension will be gone the next time we go out.

they're still super

I'm still wearing my Urlacher jersey with pride (figuratively, not literally of course. I have changed since last night, especially since I reeked of smoke and booze). Although we lost and although a large portion of this city is hanging their head today, I am still proud of the Bears for getting as far as they did. After 21 years of no-gos to the big game, we finally made it. I hate that we lost to Indianapolis of all teams (we are never going to hear the end of this), but there is hope for the 07 team.

Honestly, the loss didn't hit me as hard as it did others at the bar last night. I was pretty drunk by the 4th quarter, or actually by the time Prince started singing "Purple Rain". All that beer desensitized me to the confetti that wasn't for us, the trophy being held by someone other than Brian Urlacher, and the cheers from fans wearing blue and white.

Now, can we please stop talking about Peyton Manning, commercial whore? (If you sensed my bitterness, good for you.)

update on my sanity

I am going crazy.


More to come.

this IS a Super Bowl post

The city is covered in blue & orange these days, with every newspaper in wall-to-wall Bears coverage and every store hocking championship merchandise. Even Macy's has Bears flags flying on State Street. Each night (since the playoff started) Loop office buildings turn on their orange and blue lights to say Go Bears. The lions standing guard outside the Art Institute are wearing football helmets. For the most part, the city is wrapped up in the Super Bowl (with the exception of the few transports from other cities who root for some other team - the worst being those from Indiana).

It's even more exciting than October 2005 when the White Sox clinched their World Series victory. While most of the city was excited, there were a few party poopers who root for that other Chicago baseball team which is apparently "cursed". Right.

Most people at work are dressed in Bears gear (we have a Super Bowl party starting at 3:30 today). Of course I am sporting my Urlacher jersey proudly, especially aruond my coworker who is too proudly wearing her Reggie Wayne one. Boo.

But this whole Super Bowl thing has been a bit bittersweet for me. I spent the majority of the 2006 football season watching games with A (in bed, on the couch, in a bar, or on the phone at own places). As the Bears kept winning and Super Bowl talk increased, I got excited thinking about how we could spend the big game together, rooting on the Bears. So it's a little disappointing that they did make it this far and I can't share in it with him. But I do appreciate all he taught me about football; it's become very useful these past few weeks, especially when flirting.

I will bear down and watch the game Sunday, celebrating our first trip back to the Super Bowl since I was 4 (and rocking a 72 Perry jersey). Hopefully there will be more to celebrate once the game is over, but even not, it's been a great trip.

this time of the month sucks

I feel like I have a 93 lb tumor inside of me.

For the past few hours I've been sitting at my desk feeling my insides rolling around. At first it just felt like cramps, which could be possible on this date. So I treated myself to a latte. Bad idea. I don't think the coffee did so well with whatever is going on down there. But only after I had drank half of the latte and eaten a cookie did I start to feel really awful. Now it just feels full and gross, and my lower back is hurting.

Did I mention I'm surrounded by junk food (Pop Tarts, chocolate, cookies)? No good.

All I want to do is go home, lay on the couch in my gray sweats that I have been living in every night this week, and watch some Grey's. It really needs to be time to go home.

viva pedro

There are unwanted magazines lying all over my office which I tend to pick up for evening/weekend reading at home. Usually it's Glamour or In Style that I pick up, but once in awhile I catch a stray New Yorker in the discard bin. I always snatch it up quickly, as if one of my peers is also dying to read it, though I know none of them are. So today after I found the most recent issue in the bin, I was just casually walking back to my desk, flipping the pages but not really reading anything until...

My eye caught the word Almodovar. In an ad. As soon as I was back at my desk, I flipped through the beginning of the issue frantically trying to find what I thought I saw. And once I read the ad in its entirety, I went a little crazy in my cube. A Pedro Almodovar box set? Released yesterday? Can it be? At once, I went to Amazon to see how much it would be. Even though I already own two of the films within the box set, I'd be willing to buy it just for the other 7 films, most of which are unavailable in the US as individual DVDs.

The set is actually pretty inexpensive (it's on sale at Amazon right now), and I have this Best Buy giftcard burning a hole in my pocket any way. Seriously, you have no idea how much this has made my day.

countdown to miami

This is not a Super Bowl post. Promise.

This is about a different trip to Florida, a mini-break I am taking with my roommates a month from Saturday. We'll be going to Fort Lauderdale to stay with my friend Mel, but it looks like we might start the trip with a night out in Miami.

I've never been to Miami and neither have my roommates. And while I am totally looking forward to this trip, I realize I have just over a month to get my Midwestern winterized body ready for a trip down south. This means more gym time (damn me for being too exhausted this morning), a last minute mani/pedi, and a few trips to (gasp!) the tanning bed.

I am about to leave work for the night, which means I am about to change in to my (so ugly I hate them, but they keep my feet really warm and dry) Uggs, pull on my heavy coat, wrap my scarf around my face, put on the hat Max gave me (that I get dozens of compliments on), and trudge out into the cold. And I'm somehow thankful that I can look pasty and feel bloated under all that gear - one of the few benefits of a Chicago winter.

i need to do this more often

There is something to be said for pampering. Self-indulging. Relaxing. Being alone. Being with friends. I've had a mix of the above all weekend.

I devoted Friday to being out and about: spending money, drinking, dancing, flirting, and coming home in the wee hours of Saturday morning. It was how I wanted to start my weekend after a tiresome week. Blowing off steam by just having a good time. Delightful.

But then I wanted to follow-up the craziness with a whole lotta nothing. The past few weekends I've had some sort of commitment which hasn't allowed me to just veg out entirely. I was especially looking forward to a Sunday without football, a day where I could just hang out and get some homework done without worrying about getting a table at a crowded bar and stressing over Rex's passes.

So I spent Saturday at home, working on homework and watching no less than 3 movies by myself (Secrets & Lies, Jarhead, and Edward Scissorhands - quite a mix). I found myself crawling into bed after the last of the movies had finished, just 12 hours after I had swung out of bed with a bit of a hangover. I slept for almost 10 hours (I say almost because some asshole woke me up ringing our buzzer at 3 am. Then my roommate and her bf came home 15 minutes later and were sorta noisy. I think one of them was puking. So I was up until around 4 before I fell back asleep). When I woke up, it was time for the pampering part of my weekend - a scheduled massage and spa pedicure at a nearby spa. The walk to the spa was awful as it was snowy, windy, and coooold. But it felt good once I got in there, just relaxing all morning. By the time I left, the snow had stopped and the sun had come out, which made the walk home a bit nicer.

Now I'm just on the couch and in the dark, save for some fleeting sun outside and the glow of the computer screen. I've finished my homework for today and am ready to veg again. Perhaps it's time for movie #4?

over it

I mentioned that A dumped for someone else, right?

Thanks to the power of MySpace, I've seen a photo of the new girl.

My initial reaction? Totally not what I expected. But then, I don't really know what I expected. From what he told me about his "type", she just doesn't seem to fit.

What I also learned from his profile is that he is totally cool calling this new lady his girlfriend just a month after they started dating. Part of me was upset about this at first: What was the hold-up with me? Why couldn't he do the same? But I realized this is not about me - it's about him. And it's really not important for me to care anymore.

going to hollywood?

I'm not a huge American Idol fan; I watched Season Two from start to finish, but otherwise have never followed another season. However, I've got one of the audition episodes on now while I work on my homework, and what I want to know is...

How do these people become so deluded that they think they can sing? Or that they can dance? Or that they are attractive? I don't understand it. Whenever I see one of these shows, it just boggles my mind.

Super Bears Super Bowl

BEARS BEARS BEARS!

You have no idea how excited I am that 1) the Bears are going to the Super Bowl and 2) that they are playing the Colts. This is a big deal for us Midwesterners. Bragging rights are on the line.

this is me not knowing what to do

So I'm a little weirded out.

Let me back up and explain.

On NYE, my roommate Anne invited her boyfriend's two friends to come out with us. Her boyfriend was still with his family in Turkey (we are a multicultural household here, it's crazy) but she reached out to his friends who were going to be around. I'd met one of these guys a few times before, but not the other one (well, I guess he was at Anne's birthday party but I was too drunk and into my own dance moves that I totally didn't notice). To make a non-interesting story short, this friend (we'll call him the Foreigner) told Anne he thought I was pretty.

Flattering? Yes, especially after I just been dumped by A and needed a bit of an ego boost. But honestly, I wasn't really interested. Sure, he is sort of cute in a strange, European way but there is no attraction there. So I didn't pursue his interest any further than just being friendly at the New Year's party. Oh, and I agreed (drunk, drunk Erin) to go to coffee with him, Anne, and her boyfriend when he returned later that week. Oh well. What's coffee with friends, right?

Except coffee with friends wound up just being the Foreigner and I. Somehow Anne and her boyfriend were no longer included in the plans. Again, I went along with the plans because what's the harm in just having coffee on a Saturday afternoon, right?

But coffee turned into "Would you like to go see a movie?" and I, being the ever polite and always pleasing Erin, agreed. Because we impulsively chose to go to a movie theater without consulting the show times, we ended up seeing Borat, which I had not seen yet (although he had). It was either that or The Pursuit of Happyness and I just couldn't take seeing Will Smith looking like Jesse Jackson all over again.

We made small talk until the movie started, but the whole time I kept thinking "I cannot imagine myself making out with this guy". And I think once you recognize that, the relationship is not going anywhere. After the movie he ended, he suggested (as I anticipated he would) that we get something for dinner. Fortunately, I had a birthday party that night, so I had an easy excuse for why I needed to go home. He dropped me off and I awkwardly avoided any sort of goodbye kiss in the car.

As my birthday party rolled around, Anne invited the Turkish crew and I received a few emails from the Foreigner about how he was looking forward to seeing me. I wanted him to give up after date one, but I guess he was still interested (my cold shoulder is apparently not cold enough). I knew, however, that my birthday party would be a night where I was in my own world: drinking too much, flitting around to talk to all my friends, not paying attention to any one person for very long, and generally being too blitzed to be very cute and interesting.

Of course, this is what happened. But that didn't stop him from 1) bringing a birthday card for me to the bar and 2) sending me an email on Sunday again wishing me a Happy Birthday and letting me know that he had 3) bought me a gift so he needed to 4) see me again to deliver it. Are you serious? Some of my closest friends didn't bother with a gift or a card. And I've known this guy for less than 2 weeks? And haven't shown any genuine interest in him?

So now I am weirded out. I don't want to just be rude and blow him off, but I don't want to lead him on. And this is where I always get stuck. I'm worried about being mean, so I don't do anything and then it just seems like I am ignoring the poor guy. Truthfully, if I were attracted to him this would be another story. I would be so excited and impressed with the gift purchasing that I would be gushing about it right now. But there is no gushing; there is only confusion and concern and a generally bad taste in my mouth.

the quarter-century mark

I've been 25 for two days now. I don't really feel any older or wiser or that much closer to 30 (even though that last part is so very true). I do feel happy. Successful. And maybe I am a bit wiser than when I turned 24 (at least I would hope so).

My birthday celebration was Friday night at a trendy bar in my neighborhood. I had never actually been there before which meant I had little to no expectations. (I was also a bit nervous, of course, that my friends would think it was awful. Only one of them did.) Many of my friends showed for the party, most of them coworkers (another sign that I am getting older, right?). These many friends bought me many shots and drinks and, when Saturday rolled around, I was feeling pretty rough (additional sign of my aging). I spent my actual birthday at two bars in Lincoln Park, watching football (Go Bears!), drinking beer after beer, and eating greasy bar food. The crowd was random and, as it always happens in Chicago, I ran into a few different people I knew. The end result? Unintentionally staying out for 10 hours on a Sunday and coming home very drunk. At least I had Monday off.

This year, for some reason, my birthday didn't feel like my birthday. It kinda came out of nowhere and just happened. I didn't see any of my family members this weekend and I spent the majority of my actual day of birth with people who are not my close friends. I didn't expect any special gifts or anything (actually, I gave up on that awhile ago), so when friends of mine ask what I got for my birthday, I don't have much to tell them. Sure, I got some money from relatives, a gift certificate from one roommate and a handmade necklace from the other. I'm going to dinner with a friend tomorrow night and out with my mom on Saturday. It's all very nice, but all I really wanted was what I got on Friday night, spending time with my favorite people. Is that another sign that I'm getting older? Or just wiser?

dancing with myself

I think growing up as an only child turned me into a very solitary person. I like being alone. Many times, I crave being alone. Walking home from work, I get excited when the lights are off in my apartment and no one is there. I am left to do what I want, when and where I want to do it. There is no forced conversation. There is no sharing. There is just me.

This love of solitude (or perhaps I am just very introverted) has manifested itself in me doing lots of things on my own. Dining, shopping, going to the movies. And last weekend, for the first time, I went out alone.

No, I didn't just head into a bar alone, trying to mix and mingle with random 20somethings. It was a party for a co-worker. I knew that I would most likely know quite a few people at the party. But it was still going to a bar by myself. I wasn't really meeting any friends there. I was just showing up. Alone. To be honest, I was a little apprehensive. None of my friends were able to join me that night and I really wanted to go. Rather than be lame and just stay home (knowing that Sunday morning I would regret not going), I drank 3/4 of a bottle of wine and went to the party.

You know what? I had a blast. It was one of the best nights I've had in a long time. You see, going out alone has all the perks of going out (drinks, dancing, flirting, mingling) without the annoyances of friends (getting too drunk, wanting to leave, not having fun, fighting with boyfriends). The whole night I wandered around the bar, chatting with the various people I knew and meeting new folks. I danced. I drank. I stayed out way too late. But when I wanted to leave (somewhere around 3:15 when we had gone to another bar), I could just say goodbye and hop in a cab. There was no one else to convince that it was time to go.

On Sunday morning when I woke up, there was nothing to regret except that last gin & tonic.

so tired and so full

Haven't posted in a few days. Would like to post something substantial, but have not gotten home from work before 8pm all week. And my final session of classes (!) started this week. It's a bit much. So I'll write something soon. Maybe tomorrow? Maybe I will actually leave at a decent hour (ha). We'll see.

p.s. Okay, tonight I am not complaining because I only got home late because of a work event. A cooking class. I ate and drank too much. It was fabulous. Bananas Foster Bread Pudding. Crab Cakes. Spinach Salad. Wine. Wine. Wine. Delicious.

p.p.s. It's been one whole week and no Diet Coke. Loving it. Loving my willpower (even when I shouldn't have eaten so much of that dessert tonight).

ice ice baby

I had no idea how great the male:female ratio is at NHL games. Even though the Blackhawks suck, it's worth the $10 ticket to be one of 5 women in the entire section.

Last night I went to my first hockey game with my friend Will (he's mine A's only mutual friend). We'd been trying to get together for the past month, and when Will suggested checking out the game instead of just the usual drinks after work, I was all over it. We arrived at the United Center an hour before the game started, which means that I was drunk by the middle of the first period. Oops. Probably didn't help that I hadn't eaten much all day. On my trip to the concession stand for beer #3, I also bought a pretzel. That was dinner.

After the game, Will & I went to a bar near his place for some much-needed pizza and some not-so-necessary beer. It was mostly me getting drunk and blabbing since Will wasn't drinking much so he could drive me home. The problem hanging out with Will is that A is a usual topic of conversation. When A and I were dating, Will and I would hang out and I'd talk about A. A and Will would hang out and the same would happen. So it's hard not talking about A when we're together. Which means that I kept getting a little sad throughout the night. It sucks.

Will and I both determined that we need to hang out more often because a lot of our other friends suck (like my roommates sometimes). And maybe he's got some other cute friends he can set me up with....

resolution

I've given up Diet Coke. This time it's for real.

It's been two days. Right around 2pm, I find myself struggling to keep my head above my shoulders and my eyes open. But coffee is still okay, so I think I'll be making more frequent trips to Starbucks. (Hint, hint to anyone wanting to buy me a birthday gift.)

I gave up meat almost five years ago. I think I can do this.

Wish me luck.

this time of year

What a way to start 2007: an eleven-hour workday. I just knew before I went to sleep last night that today was going to be one of those Tuesdays. Work, while usually slow this time of year, is absolutely nuts. So much to do, so many little pieces to keep track of, and so many emails/conference calls/spreadsheets. After finishing my vacation, I already need another one.

But I like the beginning of a new year, the way you feel like you can wipe the slate clean and start fresh. And seeing how the end of 06 went, I am definitely in the market for a new slate.

If there is anything that I do hate this time of year, it's NY Eve. Surprisingly, this one was pretty decent. The bar we went to was a blast. The drinks and food were incredible for the price. And our tables were in the best location at the bar. But there was no kiss at midnight, and that was right around the time I got sad. Since things ended with A, I hadn't really been out around couples (except my roommate and her bf). As we got closer to 12, I started wondering what he was doing and where he was celebrating (and with whom, of course). When the clock struck and the partygoers locked lips, I thought about how great it would have been to have spent New Year's with him. I ended up calling it a night rather early because 1) I was just ready to go home and 2) I wanted to be able to be sad and not ruin everyone else's night. A few times in the night, people came up to me and reminded me to smile. Of course, those were the moments when I had A on the brain. Most of the night, though, I was shaking my booty and having a blast.

Happy 2007

While 06 was pretty good, here's to 07 being even better. (I thought I was so cute with the damn hat last night.)

so here's what happened

For a week I tried getting in touch with A. I heard nothing. No texts, no calls, no emails. I gave up. There was nothing else I could do.

Saturday night I came home from a Christmas party, checked my email, and saw that A had sent me a MySpace message. At the time, I was in a good mood. I hadn't been thinking about him much all day and didn't really want to make myself upset by reading whatever he had sent. So I ignored it. Until I returned to my apartment on Wednesday night. In summary, he claimed to recognize his cowardice, but he had done some thinking and reorganized things (huh? what is that supposed to mean?).

I was angry. I tried calling him after I read it but, of course, no answer. Sent a text. No response. Then, after a bit of further reading, I saw that he had told his friend Jo that "things were going really well with the new chick". Are you kidding me? Now I was pissed. I sent a snarky response to his message and called my mom. After talking to her for 2 1/2 hours, I was done being sad and upset. I got it all out on the phone with her: why I was sad, why I was frustrated, why I need new friends. I realize that this has nothing to do with me; he is just an asshole. He has an ego, and the last thing I need to do is feed it by continuing to try and get in touch with him.

What frustrates me most is thinking about what's next. I have trouble meeting guys, and don't seem to meet anyone anywhere. Before A, I hadn't really dated anyone for about 2 years. A and I met in school. Now that I am finishing school, I don't really have that as an outlet (and he was the only cute guy I ever met in class). My closest friends and roommates all have serious boyfriends, which means that they often spend their time with significant others and not going out with the girls. And their boyfriends' friends? No way. Not interested.

When I woke up this morning, I saw that A had left a comment on my MySpace page (seriously, how old is he? is this how he chooses to communicate with his friends for real?). The comment? Not so nice. Basically wondering why I had been so snarky in my response to him. I told my roommate and just got angry. I balled up my hand in a fist and tried to think of what I should do. Respond? Ignore? I chose to respond with a simple "excuse me?" since that was the first thing that popped into my head when I read his comment. I can't believe this is how he is choosing to communicate with me, rather than just getting some balls and calling me. At this point, I have nothing to say to him, and I know that nothing he says is going to make me feel any better. For some reason, he thinks it's cool for us to immediately just be friends right away. But that won't work, not right away and not given these circumstances. He still hasn't fully explained himself or apologized. He hasn't given me the respect I deserve by actually speaking to me. And he doesn't seem to get it.

done

It's over with A.

He went about things in a very mature way (message on myspace? really?). I still have yet to actually speak to him, which is starting not to bother me so much.

More later.

cried out, at least for tonight

You'll be happy to know that there's been no crying tonight. There was a bit of tearing up and whimpering at one point, but that's subsided.

I am so busy at work, I don't have time to think about anything except cereal and the Internet. After a busy day at work, I took my mom out for a fabulous dinner for her birthday. On my way home, I got a little sad. It was the first time I'd really been alone all day and my feet were killing me. When I got to my apartment...surprise, alone again. I was actually kind of happy about it tonight. Just pulled on some much more comfortable clothes, watched a documentary on the History Channel about opium (and subsequently wondered why I didn't continue to minor in History but then thought about all the extra work I would have done and just enjoyed the show instead).

Now it is bed time, blog time, and general "waste time on myspace until I feel like I should turn off the computer and get to sleep" time. I'm not crying tonight, because crying won't get me anywhere. (I have quite a mound of Kleenex surrounding my garbage can, and I don't really want to add to that.)

reaching for the kleenex...again

I think I have cried myself to sleep every night since last Wednesday. Well, give or take Friday night when I came home wasted and devoured greasy french fries, and Saturday where I spent the entire day in bed or in the bathroom regurgitating aforementioned fries. So that's still four nights' worth of crying.

It sucks. I have NO IDEA what A is doing. Where he is. Why he hasn't returned a phone call or text since we spoke late Wednesday night. Part of me is worried about him, thinking that there is something seriously wrong and that is the reason for him not getting back to me. The other part of me thinks this is somehow all my fault, that I've done something to make him not want to speak to me. I can't understand it.

And it's got me so upset.

One of the things I've learned recently is that I need some new friends. Not that the friends I currently have are bad or anything. It's just that they aren't really around for me. My roommates, which includes my BFF 4-EVA (joke, but seriously, it's been over 13 years of friendship), are never around. While they often have valid excuses for not being here, it's just made it hard when I'm upset. And seeing as I hate being emotional in front of people, it makes it that much harder to just let it all out when they are around. My other close friends are either busy like me or living out of state. As a result, I've found myself crying to no one but the mirror. Having no one to whine to or to express my utter confusion to than the small audience reading this blog. I apologize that every time you read this, I'm confused or sad about the boy. But lately I can't help. With school and work and family being crazy, having issues with him makes me want to crawl under a rock until January. And seeing as A has been one of the few people who has been there when I want to whine or complain about something, it sucks that he is totally MIA.

10 questions

Per Max's request, I am completing these questions....most recognized as the final questions James Lipton asks at the end of each Inside the Actor's Studio.


01. What is your favorite word?
embouteillage (french for traffic jam)

02. What is your least favorite word?
engaging

03. What turns you on creatively, spiritually or emotionally?
quiet and solitude

04. What turns you off?
feeling controlled

05. What is your favorite curse word?
ass-fucker

06. What sound or noise do you love?
the fan in my room when it is the only thing i can hear

07. What sound or noise do you hate?
the phone ringing

08. What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?
fashion designer

09. What profession would you not like to do?
tax accountant

10. If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?
See, they told you it existed.

boob tube

During Thanksgiving weekend, I bought the 1st season of Beverly Hills, 90210 on DVD. Even though I was much too young to watch this show when it originally aired, I snuck in viewings when my parents weren't paying attention. I became a huge fan of the show, watching until the first year the kids from West Beverly were in college. Then, it stopped working for me. Shannen Doherty was gone. That was enough to get me to stop watching. (I had the Brenda doll, that's how much I loved her.)

So I've been watching the 1st season, reliving all those early episodes and even catching a few I had never seen before (Brandon was on a TV show?). I find myself connecting with Brenda all over again, and I'm even falling in love with Dylan McKay again too (I had the Dylan doll too). But this evening, while waiting for the Bears game to start, I found myself tearing up over an episode of 90210.

It was the one where Brenda finds a lump in her breast. And the whole scene was eerily similar to when I found a lump in my breast five years ago. It was even in the same spot! As I watched Brenda deal with the lump, not knowing if it was benign and having to undergo surgery to remove it, I started thinking about my own experience all over again. The day that I found the lump was the same day my sorority sister died of leukemia. I was terrified of what I might have. Like Brenda, I talked to my mom first before telling anyone else. But I was nowhere near as scared or worried as the folks on 90210. I'm not sure why. Maybe I was totally in denial that it could be something serious. My mom had had plenty of cysts in her breasts before; there was no reason why this couldn't be the same sort of thing.

An ultrasound revealed that the lump was nothing more than a fibroid adenoma, common among young women. I had it removed a few months later in a very simple surgery and, aside from a faint pink scar on the side of my left breast, I rarely think about it. I remind my friends to do self-exams and try to remember to do my own. But until that episode I watched today, I didn't realize how worried I (maybe) should have been.



*I apologize for the totally inappropriate title of this post, but I couldn't help myself.

insecure, confused, misled - all of the above

Today was the kind of day where as soon as I got to work, all I wanted to do was go home, get in bed, and be all alone. I was slightly hungover and very tired, which explains the bed part. The all alone (and I will add wanting to just cry) was my confusion/frustration with A. There was just something in my mind all day keeping me from focusing on work; understanding the situation was all I could think about. Which is why being in my bed, alone, would have been preferable.

Not to get into to many details as I haven't really had a chance to talk to A yet, but I feel like I've been betrayed. I feel foolish. Naive. Insecure.

And this is after I thought things were going so well just 48 hours ago. You see, we didn't get to hang out all weekend because he was at his mom's house in the suburbs. But because he was bored in the 'burbs, we spent a lot of hours chatting on the phone. This is something we used to do all the time when we started dating, but haven't really done much of lately. It was nice, just talking about random things (we call these conversations "5th Grade Sleepovers" - sometimes we have them in bed). After our chat on Sunday night, I thought things were going well. We were both booked solid for the week so there was no chance we were getting together before the weekend. No sweat. We even had a cute chat via text message Wednesday night when I was out for work. I was happy.

Then I got these feelings of betrayal. This sense that something wasn't right. To make matters worse, I was drunk and it was 2am. To make it further frustrating, A hasn't returned my calls or texts today. Is it because he forgot or lost his phone or it isn't working? Or maybe he doesn't want to talk to me? But in less than 12 hours, could he have really changed his mind about me?

It hurts thinking about it; I was halfway in tears when walking home from the bus tonight (refraining from full crying because my face would probably freeze). I'm calling it a night because I've got a looooong day ahead of me tomorrow, but I'm hoping this can be resolved soon.

SAD or just sad?

I am feeling foolish. And kind of sad. It's the kind of day when I just want to crawl back into bed.


More later.

just see it

I had a four-weekend which I spent doing absolutely nothing. I barely left the house on Friday and Sunday. It snowed and was cold. There was no need to leave the house.

That said, I had severe cabin fever on Monday and, despite a very chilly and windy day, I went out to run errands and see a movie I had been longing to see. It was totally worth it.

Now, somehow, I am in love with Penelope Cruz. Or maybe just Raimunda.

24 days left

Every year I say the same thing: I don't like Christmas. And every year I get called Grinch or Scrooge or whatever.

This year is no different. But I am trying to be a little more open to the idea of liking the holiday season. I try not to cringe when I hear White Christmas or Jingle Bell Rock for the 12th time. I'm getting excited about my long list of upcoming holiday parties and trying to decide what appetizers to make for our own party in a few weeks. I'm not thinking about gifts or the bad stuff about being at home on the holidays; I'm trying to focus on the good. The focus shouldn't be on the obligations and feeling like you have to get into the spirit. Some of us just don't. And I shouldn't feel forced into going anywhere or doing anything I don't really want to do. I'll like Christmas and holiday cheer when I feel like it, and be a Scrooge when I feel like it, too.

Tonight, after class and a very long day, I rode home on the Christmas Bus. I'm not joking. I had just read about this bus earlier today on CTA Tattler and, surprise, it pulled up after I had stood freezing on Madison for 10 minutes. The bus is completely decorated in Christmas stuff: candy cane lights, presents, flashing lights. Holiday music plays over the PA system. Even I smiled when I got on. I kept my headphones off so I could just enjoy the ride, something that I never do on the bus. Usually, there are some weird people and annoying phone conversations. But tonight, it was like riding on the Polar Express (actually, I didn't see the movie but I am imagining maybe it was like this). It put me in a good mood on an otherwise crappy day.

social networking is a curse

So I never had a problem trusting A until recently. Before, I never worried that when he wasn't with me, he was out with some other girl. I never freaked out if I didn't hear from him because I thought he was with some girl. And I never imagined what some girl would even look like. Sure, he's a good-looking guy and probably gets approached by girls at bars when he's with his friends. But I never really imagined him acting on it. Also, A was so busy with work and school during the past few months that he barely had time to see me. Therefore, he barely had time to see anyone else. Problem solved, worries averted.

Not that he has done anything. He has given me absolutely no reason for me not to trust him after five months of dating. Yet, here I am, wondering why I haven't heard from him today. It's not because I am imagining him hooking up with another girl. It's because I'm imagining him not thinking about me. (Pathetic? Yes.)

It all started when he joined MySpace. A month ago, social networking was my domain. Facebook and MySpace were all mine, and he was not part of my little online world. I could do what I wanted: post any pictures, stalk people, be my crazy social networking self. But then he joined and I got excited (at first). How fun! We could be friends for the online world to see! We could post funny messages on each other's pages!

And then, of course, the stalking began. And when I mean stalking, I mean looking at his other friends' profiles and overanalyzing wall postings and taking the whole thing way too seriously. He has many female friends. Female friends with "sexy" type profile pictures. I am a funny/wacky/stupid profile picture person. Of course, this is what I think he likes about me, but maybe I am wrong? Sexy picture girls leaving cutesy messages. Wacky picture girl (me) starts overanalyzing comments. Starts checking out Sexy pictures girls' profiles. Are they "In a relationship"? Do they have pictures with other guys and not him? Did he make their Top 8? Am I a total loser?

Seriously, just writing this makes me feel sort of foolish. But at the same time, I never really had a glimpse into his world until now. Sure, I'd met some of his friends, but it wasn't this way. I was there. I was the girl he came with, the girl he had his arm around. On MySpace, he's just A and I'm just one of his friends (but his top friend at that).

boy crazy

After three weeks of not seeing each other, I was ready to pounce on A. We made plans for Monday night (Football and dinner? was his text), but when we actually got finished with long work days, we didn't really want to do much. A was exhausted; he hadn't slept much the night before. I almost expected him to cancel our plans, and then I was slightly disappointed when he said he wanted a sort of "early" night because he was so tired. I had been looking forward to spooning with him, because that was probably what I was missing most. So I went over to his place, prepared for him to fall asleep within an hour and for me to be going home before 11.

However, my cleavage-baring shirt seemed to wake him up. (Oh, the tricks we ladies pull on our men.)

He was tired. When I got to his place, he was laying on top of his bed still in his work clothes. Once his roommate left on her date, we made our way upstairs to order food and watch tv (neither of us really wanted to go out despite the 60 degree evening we were enjoying in late November). Once we ordered falafel and couscous and schwarma, and turned on the game, he was awake. It didn't take long for me to realize that I wasn't going home anytime before dawn, and that if anyone was pouncing, it was going to be him.

We still don't sleep well together (I had his elbow in my face half of the night), but there was something about last night that restored my faith in him and put to bed (at least for a bit) those frustrations and worries that always seem to creep up sometime during the week. I'm still not 100% satisfied with the situation, more or less because I feel like it has become more work than it used to be (maybe that's what happens after 5 months?). And even though last night was lovely and he said all sorts of cutesy things, it still doesn't indicate where I stand with him. So I leave the conversation for yet another day.

disconnected

Oh dear. I am freaking out and doing everything in a frenzy as I get ready to leave the office. Why? Because I am about to go home for 3 days, a place where there is a sketchy internet connection and no cable.

This is not easy for a media girl like me to digest. I'm used to hundreds of channels, VOD, Tivo, and wireless internet. Yes, I am bringing my laptop home to get some schoolwork done, but I will most likely be making a trip to Panera or Starbucks for Wi-Fi (probably Panera - it's free).

So I'm trying to do everything online that I possibly can right now, knowing that I won't be able to hop on whenever I need to until sometime on Saturday. And this is a perfect excuse for why I will need to return ASAP.

Happy Thanksgiving!

a form of escapism, i guess

Next time I am in a bad mood, I know what I need to do........LEAVE.

It's remarkable how three days out of the city can drastically improve my mood. I went from being flustered and frustrated to being content with the way things are. I owe this to finally getting out of Chicago for a change because I pretty much forgot all about my concerns here while I was gone. I didn't bring my laptop (brilliant decision) so schoolwork couldn't bother me. I had no time to get frustrated with A since we were hundreds of miles apart (and he left me cute messages totally out of the blue). Basically, any stress that I associate with my life in Chicago just disappeared.

Secondly, I missed my MN friends. Especially Ames. I knew I missed her, but I had no idea how much until she picked me up at the airport. We talked and talked and talked all weekend (this is something we do quite well when we aren't watching Law & Order or Nip/Tuck). We didn't really do much of anything in Minneapolis except eat and hang out together, but that was really all I wanted to do. Just three months ago, she was just a $7 cab ride away. And now, she is much too far. Being with Amy reminded me of what I love about my friends and why I am so lucky to have them. I tend to take people for granted when they are so accessible, but once they move away, I value their friendship even more.

So I came back last night somewhat sad to be home (looming homework deadlines, a short and furious work week, and no Amy in Chicago anymore). But, more importantly, I felt like something had been lifted in my mood. No longer was I feeling quite as irritable and nasty as I was just a week ago. Now I know....when the going gets tough, I need to get the hell out of here.

going to the north country

I can't believe I haven't been on a trip anywhere since March 2005. No wonder I can't use up my vacation days (and to think, I get an extra week next year). Since most of my friends and family live in the Chicagoland area, I really have little reason to travel outside of Illinois. And I have little money to get me very far. But this weekend, I am getting away...to Minneapolis.

Sure, it might not sound like the most glamorous of destinations (especially in mid-November), but I've never been there and I have some pretty awesome friends that I want to see. I have no expectations for the weekend (I love that), because I really have no idea what my friends have planned. We could just sit around, eat and drink, and check out the city, and I would be pleased.

I could barely look forward to this trip because my week has been so chaotic. Work has consisted of back-to-back-to-back meetings and I've been overwhelmed thinking about my new position on this brand new team. It freaks me out a bit. Besides that, I've been busy with classes and frustrated with A. I haven't seen him since we went to the movies last week and I won't see him again until the weekend after Thanksgiving, at the earliest. There are a lot of things on my mind lately, things that I really think I need to get off my chest and let him know how I'm feeling. Neither of us are big talkers when it comes to this kind of stuff, but it has to be done.

He was, however, one of the somewhat bright spots of my week. After whining a bit on the phone last night to him, he suggested meeting for lunch today (seeing as there would be no other time to see each other before I left). I got excited for about five minutes, until I consulted my mental calendar and realized that, of course, I had a meeting at 2 which would conflict with our potential 1:30 lunch date.

Alas, no lunch. But I'm already thinking about how I am going to attack him when we see each other after this long hiatus.

my no good, very bad, terrible day

Today....was....awful. It was the kind of bad day that you see in movies where the main character is all but dragged through the mud and you feel horrible for him or her, but it's also kind of funny how these bad things just keep happening concurrently.

That's how I felt all day....and I'm just feeling sorry for myself at this point because I've had no one to whine to about my horrible day. And if someone is willing to just read this (or at least I think someone might be willing to read this), it's almost like I'm whining and you're listening.

5:45am: Alarm.

5:50am: Actually get out of bed, thinking that going to the gym isn't such a hot idea but are another 45 minutes of sleep going to help anything?

6:20am: Finally leave the house.

6:21am: Regret deciding to wear heels during my commute. However, decide not to turn around.

6:25am: Regret wearing blazer and coat over blazer because I thought I would be cold. Turns out I am dying of heat exhaustion. Stupid heels.

6:34am: Stare at people on the el. Feel sick.

6:44am: Arrive at the gym and feel crappy already. Decide I will probably take it easy today as I have cramps and that is a good enough excuse.

7:05am: Get off the treadmill. I feel like shit. Lift weights for a few minutes and then determine that I really just want to be in the shower.

7:25am: Why won't the water get hot?

8:02am: Why am I at work already? Feeling overwhelmed.

8:45am: Leave for offsite training. A FIVE hour offsite training. At least they're giving us breakfast and lunch.

10:05am: Almost fall asleep during training. This coffee is weak.

12:20pm: Hooray for lunch! Hooray for potato wedges and chocolate and Diet Coke.

2:15pm: Walk back to the office and buy a vanilla latte because I have cramps. And arrive at my desk shortly after to find my inbox flooded with emails. Overwhelmed again.

2:45pm: I am OVERHEATING. Blazer off. Tank top and bra straps exposed. It's November. I don't care.

3:07pm: I'm cold.

5:30pm: Time for some cookies.

6:30pm: Leave work in blazer and coat ensemble again. Probably a bad idea. Feet are starting to really hurt and I am dreading the walk home. Don't want to make myself dinner or do anything.

6:35pm: Pick up prescription from Walgreens. Receive text from A. Smile a bit. It's about Taco Bell. Stop smiling.

6:40pm: Decide to stop at Cosi because I don't want to put any thought into making dinner and I am just feeling like crap and want to feel more like crap by eating a fatty TBM sandwich. Yum. Consider buying a brownie but resist.

6:55pm: Where is the damn train? My feet are killing me. Can't wait to sit down.

7:01pm: There are no seats on this train. I am about to tip over. And I am wiping (yes, wiping) sweat off my face. Probably look sickly to fellow el riders. Want to go home.

7:12pm: Walk home slowly because these damn heels don't let me walk any faster. Am still hot and listening to Berlin on my iPod.

7:35pm: Comfortable now in sweats and flip flops, I sit down in front of a CSI rerun and devour my sandwich.

7:45pm: A calls. Brief chat because I really want to get back to my sandwich. His day sucked too. But I'm smiling again (food and A).

8:00pm: Call A, but no answer. Boo. Why don't we have any chocolate in the house? Think about walking to the convenience store on the corner, but then see myself as pathetic. Damn hormones.

9:20pm: Give up on doing homework for the night. Try calling A again. No answer. I think he fell asleep.

9:30pm: Watch an episode of Da Ali G Show. This is the happiest I've been all day. Laugh out loud even though I've heard the jokes before.

10:15pm: Maybe I should just end this bad day.

Tomorrow....well, tomorrow is Tuesday (already bad news) and my work schedule is heinous and I have a group meeting for my class project after work and I am already feeling like it can top today as being awful. I think I'm gonna need a drink soon.

they start earlier every year

Upon going to grab my morning coffee at 8, I was greeted with the most unpleasant site.

Holiday cups at Starbucks already?!?

It's November 9th!

And my friends wonder why I'm such a Scrooge...let's start celebrating the Christmas holiday slightly closer to its actual date. Maybe I would like it a bit more.

holding my hand would have been nice

I've been unexplainably irrational lately. I pride myself on being practical, but when it comes to my love life, all rational thought disappears. Combined with potentially PMS-induced moodiness, it's becoming troublesom.....

Monday night was terrific. For our date A had chosen a cute wine bar which, when I looked it up on Metromix, had multiple reviews about its romantic setting. Perfect! Dinner was excellent. We ordered too much food (as usual) and I had one too many glasses of wine (as usual). Conversation was excellent. We ordered dessert (or rather, he ordered dessert because there was a raspberry/dark chocolate item and he knows that those are two of my favorite things in the world and even though I wasn't hungry for dessert and he doesn't really like raspberries or dark chocolate, he ordered it for us to share). After dinner, we went back to his place and watched TV before finally falling asleep some time around 3 am. It was a struggle for both of us to wake up Tuesday morning.

During dinner I mentioned that I had two free passes to a screening of Stranger Than Fiction for Tuesday night. He looked at me as if he were shocked that I hadn't already invited him. So we made plans for Tuesday night to meet after work and, again, I was really looking forward to it.

But then this is where he got weird and I started being irrational.....

The entire night - no touching, no handholding, no kissing until our goodbye. Not saying that I'm a PDA kind of girl (I'm not. I'm very non-touchy. I don't cuddle, I don't really do hugs, and kissing in public has always been awkward for me). Even so, I would have liked some showing of affection at some point during the night. It was as though we hadn't ever dated and he was a boy I liked and he was totally giving me the "let's just be friends" vibe. After the movie, we grabbed drinks and some dinner and, again, totally weird. He walked me to my bus stop, giving me a quick kiss before I boarded, and then continued walking down Chicago Avenue, checking his phone messages (I could see him from the bus).

Twenty minutes later when I stepped off the bus and started walking home, I started to feel really sad. Confused. Two nights, two completely different vibes. It's not that I started to doubt A's interest in me, but I did begin questioning where I stand with him. And this isn't really a conversation I want to have.

dinner and....

A is taking me on a date tonight.

You would think that after almost five months together, this wouldn't be so exciting. But because we've been so busy for most of those five months, real dates have been few and far between. (Don't get me wrong - cuddling on the couch for 12 hours watching football is fantastic, but sometimes a girl wants to be taken out).

I am looking so forward to this, you would think it was our first date all over again.